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Rock n’ Roll Bomb

Rock n’ Roll Bomb

Israel’s real secret weapon against the Iranians: Rita Jahanforuz.

by

After years of fruitless efforts trying to get Iran to divulge its true nuclear intentions, hope may be on the horizon. This is welcome news, since U.N. sanctions haven’t done it. Finger-wagging by Hilary Clinton and the “We really mean it now!” chorus has been a bust. Tehran’s “promises” to allow inspectors into their nuclear facilities are about as likely to be fulfilled as Tehran is likely to change their national anthem to Hatikva.

Rita is one Jew that even some Muslims are willing to adore.

But speaking of music, singing may be the key that unlocks the doors to the nuclear centrifuges. According to the Wall Street Journal, a Jewish singing sensation named Rita Jahanforuz has enraptured citizens of the Islamic Republic of Iran, giving them a reason to get up and boogie, even if they must do so under cover of darkness and under a floor-length chador. Rita was born in Iran but was whisked away by her far-sighted parents to Israel when she was a child. Now, by releasing an album in her native Farsi (Persian) she’s hotter than a just-fried falafel, and her music is being sold on the black market in her country of birth. Of course it’s great fun to imagine the sellers whispering, “Shhh! Don’t tell anyone she’s Jewish!” when they hand over the contraband. Apparently, Rita is one Jew that even some Muslims are willing to adore.

Naturally, Tehran has accused Rita of being a Zionist plot, which is a highly unoriginal accusation but apparently the best they can come up with. Personally, I think the Rita phenomenon is wonderful news. If more Iranians buy her music (in plain brown wrappers) and word leaks out that she’s Jewish, Iranians may reasonably wonder what other delightful exports from the Zionist state might make their lives a little cheerier. Iran’s main exports (oil, carpets, and terrorists) are drooping, but Israel’s economy is rocking and rolling. Despite the occasional boycott of all things Israeli from sour-faced European academic societies, exports from Israel continue to soar. In fact, they are 15,000% higher than they were in the year of Israel’s independence. Take that, Ahmadinajad.

My theory is that we can use Rita to finally solve this messy business of Iranian nukes. First, she has generously offered to sing a duet with Ahmadinejad, should she ever visit the country of her birth, hoping to parlay her feminine charm into some peaceful vibes that might penetrate the angry, soulless Iranian president.

This offer is either brave or crazy, and I salute Rita for suggesting it, but it’s really not necessary. I think that all we need to do to defuse the issue of Iranian nukes is for Israel to start packaging Rita’s CDs with other goodies from Israel before they cross the Persian Gulf. One CD can be paired with a great new antibiotic; another would have a pair of fabulous Israeli sandals thrown in, which would not only be stylish but would outlast a walk in the desert for forty years. And what Iranian woman could withstand the temptation of a lovely diamond bauble straight from Tel Aviv to brighten her otherwise bleak wardrobe? The cost to Israel of slipping in made-in-Israel products would be well worth it. Just think what will happen when the average Iranian discovers their cell phones and computer chips don’t emanate from any Arab emirate at all, but from the great Zionist entity itself! I mean, talk about an inconvenient truth.

Once it dawns on Iranians that Israel makes so much great stuff, no way will they let any wild-eyed Allah-worshipper make a single move to hurt the Jewish state. Let’s face it: once people have a taste of the good life, they get mighty ticked when others try to take it away. Let’s shower the Iranian people not with love, exactly, but with Israeli pharmaceuticals, gadgets, nanotechnology, and even stock offerings in rising Israeli technology companies. Then, I predict, hearts and minds will soften. Before you know it, they’ll be offering their own version of “So You Think You Can Dance?” on Iranian TV, starring a mellowed mullah, and perhaps a new social networking phenomenon. They could call it “Face-Block.”

Could Rita, the shimmying Jewish Israeli singing star, succeed where the endless parade of dull government suited officials have flatly failed? Why not? It could all begin with her next CD export including a Persian rendition of HaTikva.

Published: June 9, 2012


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Visitor Comments: 3

(3) Helen Schwab (Chaiah), June 15, 2012 7:06 AM

"Hotter than a just-fried falafel" is a great line! Other than that, I just *sigh* and pray for shalom.

(2) Adinah Sher, June 15, 2012 2:23 AM

Love it!

Your humor is the best therapy. Thank you so much!!

(1) Liz, June 12, 2012 1:17 AM

Love it!!!! :) :) :) Hilarious as always!!

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