The Office Exodus
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The Office Exodus

The Office Exodus

First there was Charlton Heston, and now there's Jim Halpert.

by

INTERIOR MICHAEL'S TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL (to camera)
Why is this office different from all other offices? Easy, we're like a tribe, a family. We're not an unaffiliated group of random people -- we are the chosen people of Dunder Mifflin. As head of the office I am trusted with godlike responsibilities. I have rescued these people from the desert of unemployment and delivered them to the promised land of working for Michael Scott.

INTERIOR OFFICE – MORNING

Michael approaches Pam at her desk.

MICHAEL
Pam, I'm sensing people are unhappy and if my people aren't happy, then I'm not happy.

Michael looks at the camera smiles then frowns.

PAM
Well...lately, Dwight has really been coming down hard on everyone.

Michael walks over to Dwight who is hovering over Ryan reviewing some documents.

DWIGHT
I don't care how long it takes. This is all wrong and totally unacceptable. You're just going to have to start all over again.

Dwight drops the papers on Ryan's desk.

MICHAEL
Ryan, what's going on here?

DWIGHT
Just cracking the whip, everything is under control.

RYAN
I was just wrapping up my sales summaries.

DWIGHT
You mean just starting.

Ryan looks at the camera with disdain.

MICHAEL
Ease up Dwight. What's the big deal?

DWIGHT
As assistant manager, since Jim left,

MICHAEL
Assistant to the manager.

DWIGHT
My "pyramid of efficiency" system has increased office productivity 134%.

MICHAEL
That's great but are people still having as much fun?

Pan the office. All are at their desks looking dreary and expressionless.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
I see an opportunity - a task if you will, then I take that task and master it. Did you know that Schrute in Scandinavian means "great king - ruler of many."

EXTERIOR DUNDER MIFFLIN STAMFORD OFFICE – EARLY MORNING

Jim gets out of his car in the empty parking lot and walks towards the office.

Michael crouched behind a bush fumbles a match book he is playing with and mistakenly sets the bush on fire.

MICHAEL (crouched behind the burning bush)
Jim over here!

Jim startled to see the burning bush and Michael. He hurries over as the fire dies down.

JIM
Michael, what a surprise. You meeting with Josh at corporate?

MICHAEL
No, no, no, I need to talk to you.

JIM
Ok. You could have just called. Why the burning bush?

MICHAEL
Never mind that. This needs to be face to face, mano o mano.

JIM
Alright, is everything ok?

MICHAEL
It's Dwight, he's out of control.

JIM
Really! I can't imagine that.

Jim smiles at the camera.

MICHAEL
He's become a slave driver, working everyone to the bone. He's killing the office spirit. I need you back in Scranton.

JIM
Well Michael, you're his boss why not just talk to him - or try demoting him. Make him assistant to the assistant to the manager.

MICHAEL
Jim, I need to teach him a lesson and I need your help.

JIM
I don't think so Michael.

MICHAEL
Jim, the office needs you. Your people need you. Pam needs you.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM (to Camera)
What can I say, it wasn't an easy decision but when Michael gave me his blessing to put Dwight in his place, well it was an offer I couldn't refuse.

INTERIOR DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON – MORNING

Michael enters the office. Everyone is fast at work or at least sitting at their desks.

MICHAEL
Please gather around, I have an announcement to make.

Everyone begrudgingly gets up from their desks and gathers by Pam's desk.

DWIGHT
What's this about Michael, you didn't tell me about any announcements.

MICHAEL
I know everyone is really busy getting their work done, but I have heard your groans and seen your suffering.

KEVIN
Is this about reinstituting movie Mondays?

Stanley stands there working his crossword puzzle.

DWIGHT
Is this about my request to work through lunch?

KELLY
I love surprises.

MICHAEL
Ladies and Gentlemen (Michael makes the drum roll sound) I give you Jim Halpert.

Jim enters with a slight wave and a big smile.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT (to camera)
Am I surprised Jim is back? Not at all, the Stamford office is far inferior to Scranton and he wants back in. He's just going to have to learn his place in my pyramid of efficiency.

Dwight holds up a diagram in the shape of a pyramid. Everyone's name is written at the bottom of the pyramid except for Angela who is in the middle. Sitting atop the pyramid are caricatures of Dwight and Michael.

DWIGHT (to camera cont.)
I will just add him to the foundation.

INTERIOR OFFICE – Day

Jim, Dwight and Ryan sit at their desks working.

JIM
You know Dwight, now that I'm back, I'm Michael's number two.

DWIGHT
I don't think so. Things have changed quite a bit since you left. You're at the bottom of the pyramid of efficiency.

Jim looks at Ryan who stares at him and then walks a way.

DWIGHT
Ryan, where are you going?

RYAN
Bathroom.

DWIGHT
Make it quick

Ryan walks off.

JIM
Let's play a little word association.

DWIGHT
No, you should be doing your work.

JIM
If Michael is number one...

DWIGHT
I'm his number two

JIM
If Michael is President...

DWIGHT
I'm his Vice President

JIM
If Michael is King...

DWIGHT
I'm his Queen

Jim looks at the camera with a half smile.

JIM
Great but now I'm back and I have a message for you: LET IT GO. This office is not here to serve you.

DWIGHT
Never! These people may not like me, but they are going to work for me.

JIM
We'll see about that.

INTERIOR OFFICE – WATERCOOLER - DAY

Michael peers out from behind the blinds in his office. Everyone is at their desk working. Pam gets a glass of water from the water cooler and brings it to Dwight's desk.

PAM
Dwight I think there is something wrong with the water.

Dwight takes the cup from her. He examines it, smells it, swirls it around.

DWIGHT
Nonsense, it looks ok to me.

PAM
I think it tastes funny.

Dwight stands up and walks over to get a cup of water. Jim makes like he is talking to Stanley. Stanley ignores him. Dwight takes a cup of water and drinks.

DWIGHT
Tastes find to me.

Pam feigns to hear to him

PAM
What did you say?

Dwight walks over to Pam. Jim takes out syringe of red dye and plunges it in to the water cooler.

DWIGHT
I said it tastes find to me.

PAM
Dwight, I wouldn't drink that.

DWIGHT
It's perfectly fine.

Dwight chugs the rest of the water as Pam points to the water cooler. Dwight notices her pointing and turns to see the water cooler which is now blood red. Dwight spits out the water and eyes Jim suspiciously as he walks out of the kitchen.

JIM
Hey Dwight, nice tie. Looks like you spilled something on it.

Dwight looks down to notice his tie is wet.

INTERIOR CONFERENCE ROOM – Day

Everyone is gathered in the conference room as Michael lectures. A soft subtle chirping/buzzing noise can be heard.

MICHAEL
I hope you enjoyed this week's staff meeting, any questions.

ANGELA
What's that chirping noise?

DWIGHT
That's odd it sounds like a sub-Saharan locust or cicadas, most likely female.

The chirping/buzzing noise is getting louder and now there is a croaking noise as well.

MICHAEL
I think it sounds more like a frog.

KEVIN
Is it a frog or toad?

DWIGHT
I definitely hear locust actually but there is a hint of frog.

A rumble is heard outside the conference room.

KEVIN
Why are there farm animals running around the office?

Everyone but Jim springs up to look out the conference window into the office area.

DWIGHT
Those are wild animals.

Several wild chicken, geese and pigs rumble around. Frogs and crickets are scattered about their desks.

Michael scared, locks himself and everyone in the conference room.

TOBY
Dwight, didn't we talk about you bringing animals into the workplace?

DWIGHT
Don't look at me, these aren't my animals. Jim did this!

Dwight points an accusing finger at Jim.

PAM
Is it just me, or do these animals look really sick?

DWIGHT
I'd recognize that excessive secretion of stringy foamy saliva anywhere – these animals have Hoof and Mouth Disease!

A chirping/buzzing sound in the background gets louder and louder. Suddenly a ceiling panel falls and a bunch of flying insects fall into the room.

DWIGHT
Locusts! Everyone take cover! They are going to eat us alive!

KELLY
Ryan, my hair!

JIM (whispers to Dwight)
I warned you to let it go.

EXTERIOR – OFFICE – MORNING

Dwight stands blocking the door, not allowing anyone to enter.

PHYLLIS
Dwight, you are making us all late. The health and safety inspector said we could all go back to work.

Michael walks up.

MICHAEL
Good morning everybody, thank you for waiting for me but that is completely unnecessary, welcome but unnecessary.

KEVIN
Old McDwight won't let us in.

MICHAEL
Dwight, what seems to be the problem? The health officials have informed us that any trace of your animal friends has been removed.

DWIGHT
This has nothing to do with the animals. I have been informed that the office has been infected with lice.

KELLY
Uuuuh, that is like the grossest thing ever. Am I going to have to shave my head? I don't want to be bald! Ryan my hair -- check my hair.

Kelly shoves her head and hair at Ryan.

PAM
I had lice in third grade, it wasn't so bad.

Dwight begins to scratch his hair.

JIM (to Dwight)
Is this what you call the pyramid of efficiency? I warned you: Let it go.

DWIGHT (to Jim)
Never!

INTERIOR OFFICE – AFTERNOON

Everyone is filtering back in the office and getting situated except Dwight who stares perplexed at his desk which is covered in what appears to be boil marks.

JIM
Everything OK Dwight?

Dwight ignores him as he examines the boil marks on his desk.

Pam walks by.

PAM
Dwight, what's on your desk?

DWIGHT
I don't know, perhaps Jim can explain.

JIM
How should I know?

DWIGHT (to Jim)
You can't stop me. I'm going to clean this mess up and make sure everyone gets back to work.

JIM
Let it go.

Dwight marches off towards the kitchen as he opens the door a bucket full of ice falls down on him. Dwight turns around and through the window gestures toward Jim making a pyramid sign with his fingers.

Jim shakes his head.

Dwight heads towards the bathroom and upon opening the door we hear another bucket of ice rain down on him.

INTERIOR OFFICE – EVENING

Jim and Dwight sit at their desks staring at each other.

DWIGHT
I know what you have been doing. Maybe it's time for you to go back to Stamford?

JIM
I know what you've been doing and I warned you but you wouldn't listen.

Dwight holds up his drawing of the pyramid of efficiency.

DWIGHT
You can't stop my pyramid of efficiency!

JIM
Really?

DWIGHT
Yes really, as long as there is blood in these veins, I will make sure that work gets done in this office.

Jim claps his hands and the lights suddenly go out. Computers shut down, the office is completely dark.

MICHAEL
Everyone remain calm the situation is under control. OUCH!

INTERIOR MICHAEL'S OFFICE - MORNING

Michael sits behind his desk as Jim and Dwight are in front of him.

DWIGHT
Michael, I have come to the realization that I was wrong about my pyramid of efficiency. I'm turning it over to you as my higher authority. I'm sorry to have disappointed you.

Dwight hands Michael his pyramid of efficiency.

MICHAEL
You know Dwight there is a lesson in this for you. You became so obsessed with building this pyramid, that you started oppressing your coworkers. No one wants to work through lunch or on weekends.

JIM
Dwight, I'm glad to hear you let it go. I didn't want to have to implement my final assault.

Jim hands Dwight his bobble head doll.

JIM
I was going to have your little friend assassinated

Dwight looks at Jim alarmed and then cradles the bobble head.

INTERIOR MICHAEL'S TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL (to camera)
It's like I like to say, we're more than an office, we're a family.

Published: March 24, 2007


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Visitor Comments: 1

(1) fisiyoyo, January 15, 2008 5:50 PM

wow. is this real?

is this a real episode? or did u write it urself? cuz i deff havent seen this epidode before, but it was SO THE OFFICE!!

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