Being unemployed isn’t fun. Sure, you get to stay home when everyone else is at work, and you can spend the entire day in your sweatpants. But the fact of the matter is that it’s lonely. (Also, the pay stinks.) If your spouse works and your kids are in school, you find that you spend a lot of the day making snide comments to yourself.

Sure you can spend the entire day in your sweatpants, but being unemployed still isn’t fun.

I, too, happen to be unemployed and talking to myself, so I’ve decided to transcribe a lot of my thoughts over the course of the day, to let you know that although you may be lonely, you’re not alone.

10:30 AM – Where is everybody? I should probably get up.

10:35 AM – Breakfast; the most important meal of the day. Got to keep my energy up for sending out resumes. I’ve got toast, eggs, juice, coffee, and a bowl of that cereal that the kids made me buy. I’m pretty sure this stuff glows in the dark, because when I came into the kitchen last night, I saw fluorescent crumbs all over the floor.

11:00 AM – Let’s see, job ads…job ads… Is it just me, or does the floor need sweeping?

11:15 AM – There’s nothing good in the refrigerator.

11:20 AM – This ad says, “Please send resume and salary requirements.” I love that. They’re thinking of a number between one and a million, and the job goes to whoever’s guess comes the closest, without going over.

11:25 AM – Here’s one. “Earn Money While Losing Weight.” It sounds like they want someone to deliver newspapers. Or else their vending machine is broken.

11:30 AM – “Fast-Growing Company.” Microsoft doesn’t call itself a “fast-growing company”. Does this mean that they’re small now, but they’re growing fast? I’m not judging. But then how come they disregard my resume when I write that I’m a quick learner?

11:35 AM – How about this ad? “No phone calls please.” Then why did they include a phone number?

11:40 AM – I should probably write a cover letter for this one. How do I start off? “To Whom It May Concern:”? I wish they would just write their names in the ad.

“Dear Sir or Madam;”? Nah. The job isn’t in England.

11:45 AM – “Dear Sir or Madam;”? Nah. Who do I know who calls themselves “Sir” or “Madam”? The job isn’t in England.

11:50 AM – I was driving around yesterday, and I found myself thinking: “If it comes down to it; that’s not a bad bridge to live under. It’s right near the water.” I wonder where I would plug stuff in?

11:55 AM – OK, how about “Good Afternoon,”? Gee, I hope they read the cover letter in the afternoon. Or else they could read it tomorrow morning, and just assume I wrote it in the afternoon.

12:00 PM – Is it afternoon yet? Time for lunch.

12:05 PM – There’s still nothing to eat. I guess I’ll make pizza bagels or something.

12:10 PM – Someone just came to the door to find out if I want to buy insurance. So I said, “I’m home in the middle of the day, and I’m wearing sweatpants. What do you think?”

12:20 PM – I should really be out networking. But who do I network with? Everyone I know is at work. I guess I can network with all the other unemployed people at the one o’clock mincha services.

12:25 PM – Back to the cover letter. “I think I would be a great choice for the position, as I’m a very hard worker, and I’m excellent at multi-tasking.” What’s that I smell burning?

12:26 PM – My pizza bagels!

12:35 PM – I think the floor needs sweeping again. I’m pretty sure I saw something glowing.

12:40 PM – I wonder if it glows in my stomach. That would make an interesting X-ray.

12:45 PM – Let’s see what I have so far: “Good afternoon, I’m writing to apply for the position in your ad, blah blah blah. Enclosed is my resume.”

12:50 PM – “Enclosed is my resume?” Who talks like that? On are my sweatpants. Burnt are my pizza bagels.

12:55 PM – I need to get out of the house. On are my regular pants. Enclosed are my car keys.

1:45 PM – You know who has really big shopping carts? Costco.

1:50 PM – Did I have lunch yet? I don’t remember. Maybe I’ll have some tuna fish.

1:55 PM – Why do we call it “tuna fish”? Is there a tuna bird, or a tuna mammal? That’s like saying “beef meat”, or “grape fruit”.

2:00 PM – Okay, how about “Enclosed please find”? Enclosed please find half a tuna fish sandwich.

2:05 PM – Wait. We do say “grape fruit”.

2:10 PM – If I sold my house to go live under a bridge, I could probably use some of that money for a generator.

2:15 PM – Okay, how about: “I have enclosed my resume. Please find it. It’s right under the cover letter.” No, that’s too much.

2:20 PM – It’s time to pick up my son from playgroup? Already? What do I pay all that tuition for, if they’re going to keep sending him home every day?

2:45 PM – All right, back to the ads. This one is offering to pay less than I was making, and they’re demanding 15 years of experience. What planet are they on?

2:50 PM – Not now son, Daddy’s working.

2:55 PM – These people are looking for someone with “phone skills”. What are “phone skills”? Is that as opposed to your grandfather, who, when you’re finished talking to him on the phone, you can actually hear him on the other end asking your grandmother what button he’s supposed to press to hang up?

3:00 PM – Yes, buddy, you can have a snack.

3:05 PM – This ad says, “Are you tired of living paycheck to paycheck?” Well then how are they going to pay me, if not with paychecks?

3:10 PM – No, buddy, don’t take more cereal. Because it makes Daddy nervous, that’s why. How about the rest of my tuna fish sandwich?

3:15 PM – Where does one even buy a generator?