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18 People You’ll Meet at the Thanksgiving Buffet

18 People You’ll Meet at the Thanksgiving Buffet

The Buffeter Betrayer says: that “homemade pie” is from Costco!

by

Why does standing in line for food bring out the DMV in people? This holiday season, do you know how to categorize the people at your buffets? Don’t worry if you don’t – I’m doing it for you right now. Soon you’ll have a clever classification for each of your family, friends, or coworkers at Thanksgiving or Chanukah parties. Even if you’re just planning a simple Potato Pancake Station, (Don’t forget Zucchini Latkes because yes, that’s a thing now!) you can still label all your guests just like you label the chafing dishes.

18 Types of People You’ll Meet at Thanksgiving, or Holiday Buffets!

  1. The Buffeter Surveyer – These folks have read “helpful” articles with advice on handling smorgasbords. They know to approach the buffet in a calm, relaxed manner and to always have a predetermined game plan, which includes perusing all the offerings from one end to the other before making their final selections. They also know to use a smaller-sized salad plate to fool their mind into thinking they’re eating more! They’ll still pack on five pounds like the rest of us. These people are first cousins with “The Buffeter Weigher Conveyers” (See below)

  2. The Buffeter Overstayer – Buffets are their home base. They’ll linger, integrating all kinds of tasks – talking, eating, wiping, consulting, organizing, refilling, and generally becoming a permanent fixture by the soup. Not compatible with the next type…

  3. The Buffeter Get-Out-of-My-Wayer! – They mean business. Napkin tucked, first in line, making appreciative sounds, as you wonder if a nearby farmer forgot to take attendance in his barnyard today.

  4. The Buffeter Prayer Sayer – Recites beautiful blessings and requests take-home Tupperware because, without a To-Go container, forty years is a long time to wander through the desert. (But forty minutes is just the right amount of time to wonder through the dessert!)

  5. The Buffeter Cabareter – Hums songs about eating. Often heard belting out, “Food, Glorious Food” from Oliver or “Be Our Guest!”

  6. The Buffeter Delayer – You know they want food, they know they want food, but they sit until the last person gets up, not wanting to appear to be an overeager fresser. Soon you’ll overhear them whispering, “Shame she didn’t prepare enough food,” because half the serving platters were empty when they finally approached.

  7. The Buffeter Weigher Conveyer – A real killjoy. Announces the calories for water and whips out a little kitchen scale for an official cranberry calibration. Do you know how many points creamed spinach count for on Weight-Watchers? Well, you will now.

  8. The Buffeter Betrayer – Intimately acquainted with the hostess, they won’t hesitate to spill the beans. Yes, even the pintos. “That salad isn’t really completely organic, Ha!” And, “It’s still a Costco pumpkin pie, even if it’s sitting on a plate with a fancy doily.” Or, “Skip the baked potatoes, the skins weren’t washed.” Lashon Hara (even with food) is never well-digested.

  9. The Buffeter Okayer – You’ll not meet a more pleasant, jovial person in line. The answers to the following questions will always be “Okay!” 1. Can I go in front of you? 2. How’ve you been since last Chanukah? 3. Do you think I should help myself to goosing cousin Iris as she helps herself to some goose?

  10. The Buffeter Layerer  – Obsessed with rearranging the sumptuous spread, even digging through layers of turkey or yams looking for who knows what. Tongs are their favorite tool of choice, but they can function just as well with a spatula too.

  11. The Buffeter Bouqueter – Gardening types who salivate at your floral centerpieces. Prefers Roasted Red Roses or Fried Fuschia Freesia to light or dark turkey parts.

  12. The Buffeter Halfwayer  – They nearly get to the end of the food display when they realize they forgot to grab a ladle full of salad dressing some twelve platters back. Now they’re gonna stand frozen and flummoxed in line, wondering how they can politely go backwards. Say this, “Aunt Ida, want me to get you some ranch?” Problem solved.

  13. The Buffeter Clichér – This guy’s vocabulary is stuffed (fuller than the turkey!) with silly puns and double entendres. While staring at the carved bird, he’ll elbow you roughly while remarking, “Looks scary… It’s a Goblin! Get it?” Or “I’m suddenly in a fowl mood!” Simply tell him you gave up laughing at inane jokes “cold turkey” and move along.

  14. The Buffeter FoulPlayer – If it’s accidental, it can be forgiven – but youngster buffet-goers will drop a cherry tomato into the honey-mustard to see if it floats or sinks. That’s just the beginning of the havoc they’ll wreak. I hesitate to offer more examples lest I offer more ideas.

  15. The Jimmy Buffeter – Knows all the lyrics to “Wasting Away in Margaritaville” and will get a real kick out of you handing him the pepper when he sings, “Searching for my last shaker of salt.”

  16. The Warren Buffeter – When you ask for some tips, he doles out financial advice. You just meant asparagus tips.

  17. The Buffeter OyVeyer – “Oy vey, my doctor says my triglycerides are high.” Ask them what a triglyceride is and they’ll just sigh deeply while reiterating, “Oy vey, I really shouldn’t be eating this.” Or worse, “Oy vey, should YOU really be eating that?”

  18. The Buffeter Essayer – Someone closely observing buffet behavior in the hopes of writing a humorous article for Jewlarious. The nerve.

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Visitor Comments: 8

(4) jim, November 23, 2016 1:12 AM

the food took too long but

the humor was really right on, i felt like a participant, where did i leave my plate?

Anonymous, November 24, 2016 3:56 PM

Just get another!

The beauty of buffets! Thank you for commenting.

(3) Faye, November 22, 2016 3:32 PM

I love this!

So many buffeters; so little time!!!

Thank you for your article.

Stephanie D. Lewis, November 24, 2016 3:53 PM

Is Faye your real name?

I'm just asking because it's the last syllable in buffet. How cute is that? Thank you for your sweet comment! Happy Thanksgiving!

(2) Nancy, November 22, 2016 1:23 PM

Very funny!

Yay for Weight Watchers!

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