It’s that time of year again, where except for us, everyone’s Ho Ho Ho-ing while we’re yawn-yawn-yawning. True, there’s the Kosher Chinese, empty theatres, museums, and events sponsored by Jewish organizations, but face it. On December 25th the entire Western World is busy – and we’re not.
So, in the interest of keeping We Jews from chaloshing from boredom here are 25 fabulous things you can do:
Write on FB, “If you’re Jewish and you know it clap your hands!”
1. Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” on every channel and a) yell: “What do you know!?” at George Bailey. If every Jew who sacrificed for a brother, kept the family-run business afloat, and protected the town from evil wanted to jump off a bridge, not one of us would still be here. b) Make a list of all those things in your life that aren’t so wonderful – and check it twice. c) Think of what your mother’s life would have been like if you hadn’t been born. Also include your dermatologist and allergist.
2. Write on FB, “If you’re Jewish and you know it clap your hands!”
3. Send iTunes to all your Gentile friends of “Silver Bells,” “Winter Wonderland,” “Santa Baby,” “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow,” “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” and “White Christmas,” reminding them they were written by gifted by Jewish songwriters.
4. Invite your Jewish friends over and see who can sing the most rounds of “I’m a Little Dreidel” without a drop of Manischewitz.
5. Plan a treasure hunt to find a grocery store that’s open and ask them for the gefilte fish section.
6. Play Jewish Twister with your friends and try to form a Menorah.
7. Take a piece of chalk and draw a huge Star of David, telling everyone this is your “personal space.”
8. Practice doing the Hora in couples without breaking a shin.
9. Dig out your sweat pants from when you were eleven at Camp KinderZaftiga and see how many people you can fit it in them.
10. Play Jewish Charades with all your friends having to act out which Jewish trait they’re imitating.
11. Make a list of Gentile celebrities who should be Jewish, for example, Robin Williams, Martin Short, Weird Al Yankovic.
12. Organize your packets of soy sauce, ketchup, mustard, Coffee-Mate Nondairy Creamer into separate baggies and tie them.
13. Then organize your baggie ties and string into: a) big for lawn bags; b) medium for leftover brisket; and c) too small for anything, but just in case.
14 . Write a decent Youtube called “A Very Merry Hanukkah” for Charlie Brown that’s truly “kosher.”
15. Take a shluf. You deserve it.
16. Write all those strangers, such as insurance companies, plumbers, cable companies, and politicians
who sent you Holiday cards saying “We Care. Email us at: xxxx.com.” a five page belated Hanukkah letter about what you and your family have been doing all year. Include photos of your trip to the kosher cheese factory.
17. Go to a skating rink dressed as a pumpkin to confuse everybody. After all, are We Jews ever wrong?
18. Get on Jewish chat and dating sites. The gentiles are busy with the hams and trees, so you’re much more likely to find a real MOT.
19. If you’re in the tri-State area, plan to meet the mensch you met on the Jewish dating site on top of the Empire State building to act out Sleepless in Seattle … only don’t keep missing elevators.
20. Make your pet a Jewish T-shirt with the words: “GOT NOSH?”.
21. Many Madame Tussauds are open on December 25th. Go have your photo taken with your arm around “Steve Spielberg” and tell your friends and agent, your science fiction book: “Adam & Eve”: The Garden of Galaxies” is almost a done deal.
22. Park yourself outside of Bloomingdales till Thursday morning sales day.
23. Count up what you spent on Hanukkah compared with what your neighbor, Patrick is spending on gifts, food, lights, trees, holly boughs, then plan on spending the difference on a trip to Miami, singing happily as you make the reservation.
24. Melt down your 10,000 leftover chocolate coins, use as sauce on top of 15 diet sponge cakes and have a contest to see which of your friends can eat the whole thing in under 5 minutes. The prize is chocolate coins.
25. Think of 25 more ways to spell Hanukkah, er Chanukah.