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Earth-like Planet Discovered; Residents Rabidly Anti-Semitic

Earth-like Planet Discovered; Residents Rabidly Anti-Semitic

Planet with no Jews, blames Jews for their problems


JEWLARIOUS SATIRE -- Last week, European astronomers announced that they had discovered an earth-like inhabitable planet, dubbed Gliese 581c, only five times as large as Earth and a mere 20 light years away.

After staring down the barrel of an enormous echelle spectrograph for years, the Swiss led team announced that they had "discovered an awe-inspiring light in the distance of the universe -- one that brings hope and speaks of vast potential for mankind and the universe for years to come." Seconds later, research team-member Xavier Delfosse, asked a colleague to adjust the spectograph's focus "a little to the left" and exclaimed, "Oh my. It seems that this planet is inhabited by rabid anti-Semites and I think that they have organized a parade."

A shocked Delfosse continued, "While anti-Semitism is prevalent in virtually every country on earth, regardless of whether or not Jews even live in those countries, we hardly expected to uncover it so quickly on Gliese 581c."

Jostling around the spectrograph for the first look at true extra-terrestrials, team member Jan Nordau blurted out, "Hold on, I can read the signs. One says, ‘A cabal of Jewish lenders controls the Milky Way's banking systems' and another says, ‘AIPAC forced Bush into Iraq and Afghanistan.'"

Contacted in his Washington, DC office, Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League remarked, "Like I don't have enough work on my desk? Now I have to educate another planet?"

"One of the signs says, ‘A cabal of Jewish lenders controls the Milky Way's banking systems.'"

Meanwhile, the Arab league immediately drafted a resolution declaring "Gliebe 581Cians honorary Arabs as they too are victims of Israeli colonialism and aggression." The League also demanded that the UN Relief and Works Agency for Palestinian refugees allocate $500M to set-up displacement camps for Gliebe 581Cians dislocated by the Israeli occupation.

With such astounding evidence of life beyond earth, scientists bypassed the traditional debate about whether it would be possible for human beings to live in space. Instead, the focus centered around how these rabid anti-Semites could have existed in such conditions for so long. Team member Elsie Rasmussen, hypothesized, "It must be a particularly virulent strain of anti-Semitism to exist in such a climate."

Immediately, team Xavier Delfosse contradicted her and suggested, "There is one thing that is consistent among anti-Semites -- a prevalence of oxygen in the atmosphere and a lack of oxygen to the brain."

May 5, 2007

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Visitor Comments: 4

(4) Ilan Braun, July 15, 2007 4:42 PM

Planet with No Jews: Anti-Semitism stinks: mispelling beware

I am responding to Dr Kurtin, Ph. D.may I offer a French pun? you wrote "Stay away from that planet, it is deadly to thinking.. it should read "it is deadly to "S'thinking"!! now i am not sure this is "punny" as I am only French and not mastering your beautiful English language. Shalom to All!

(3) Anonymous, May 9, 2007 12:33 AM

This is one of the funniest articles I have ever read. I really appreciate your black humor. It's great that Jews can parody their own paranoia about Anti-Semitism.

(2) Anonymous, May 8, 2007 4:52 PM

summary of what?

A good laugh, but, if it were only true that the oxygen of knowledge would help those unwilling to learn the truth.

(1) Beverly Kurtin, Ph.D., May 8, 2007 1:05 PM

True Cause of AntiSemitism Revealed

What the so-called experts haven't mentioned is that the planet has very little oxygen, in fact the planet's atmosphere is nearly 100% methane.

Now methane causes bigotry. I can and have proven it time after time. Our bodies emit methane as a result of bacterial action on the food we eat. When someone makes an embarrassing noise coming from their posteriors, that odor is methane.

Suppose someone had the physical disorder known as cranial-rectal inversion? All they would inhale would be methane, eliminating the need for bathroom deodorant, but causing the part of their brains that use what is commonly referred to as common sense to malfunction. Deprived of that part of their brains, they look for people to blame for their inadequacies. Who better to blame than the Jews and other minorities?

Stay away from that planet, it is deadly to THINKING and intelligence. I have renamed that planet PeU in "honor" of their smelly atmosphere.

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