In the wonderful, wide world of entertainment, mankind's greatest achievement, for those who relish pure fun, is the amusement park. Think about it. What other place can you go to that's in business solely for your pleasure? And that's legal. Okay, granted, Chuck E. Cheese, but that's not really for your pleasure; it's for your kids' pleasure. And for your migraine.
The problem with amusement parks is that they're designed, like Chuck E. Cheese, to appeal to children -- or at least to the child in every adult. Just for the record, the child in me is named Shlomo. He's pretty much a dysfunctional ingrate, so when we go to amusement parks, it's not a barrel of laughs for me. But Shlomo has a grand old time. I'd say more, but I think he's listening in. So mum's the word. I'll email you after he falls asleep.
Back to the topic at hand, I've always wondered why there weren't amusement parks specifically for adults. So I've taken it upon myself to design one. Would you like a private, free preview tour? (PAUSE) Good. That's the spirit. You Jewlarious folks are so adventurous. I love that about you. So, come along now, I've divided it in half based on gender so it's ladies first. As we begin our fabulous tour of Womanland, cue the Celine Dion music, please
On your left, you'll notice Womanland's most popular ride --The Tunnel Of Sensitivity. There, you'll begin your voyage seated next to a handsome audio-animatronic male, who expresses genuine interest in everything you say. He loves to travel and dance, cook and clean. His greatest concern is your needs. He cries openly and unashamedly, and not just when paying the mortgage. He will not be reading a newspaper as you attempt to communicate with him. And by the way, his middle name is "Commitment."
The line to get into Womanland's "You Can Have It All" pavilion is the longest in the park, but well worth it. While waiting, enjoy the complimentary copies of "Oprah" magazine and the monitors showing today's episodes of "Ellen" and "The View." Once inside, you will experience, through virtual reality, exactly what it's like to have a rewarding career, a loving husband, two beautiful children, an incredible house, spiritual growth, and a trust fund. Look for it in the park's Fantasyland section.
You'll experience a rewarding career, a loving husband, two beautiful children, an incredible house, spiritual growth, and a trust fund. Look for it in the park's Fantasyland section.
By now, you've no doubt worked up an appetite, so let's stop for a bite to eat at Rivka's Cafe. Since there are no men here to impress by pretending to have the appetite of a bird, you'll find no soups, salads, crepes, quiches or other healthy, teaser food on the menu. Rivka's Cafe is pure indulgence. Damn the cholesterol; full calories ahead. You can really be yourself here. So go ahead, pretend you're home alone, strap on the old feedbag, and pig out with the Five-Cheese Lasagna and Fettuccini Alfredo, followed by a long, leisurely soak in the Hagen-Dazs Baths. Feel like belching when you're through? It's not only allowed; it's required, so let ‘er rip.
But don't relax now, because you'll wrap up with the most exciting activity of the day. 95% of Womanland is clothing shops! Wholesale! In each shop, incredible bargains abound in your size, none of the saleswomen are as attractive as you, and you look absolutely ravishing in everything.
Now let's go check out Manland. We'll first explore the most popular section for men because that gets crowded fast: the Zone of Irresponsibility,
Follow me into this huge house, affectionately dubbed Bachelor Heaven. Beer bottles, dirty socks, and half-eaten boxes of pizza litter the floors. There are only three non-stop activities here: watching sports, getting snacks, and bragging about your achievements. On weekdays, expect a two-hour wait to get in. But while waiting, enjoy the huge bronze sculpture of Bruce Willis.
While waiting, enjoy the huge bronze sculpture of Bruce Willis
For men who have just become engaged, there is the popular Hall Of Second Thoughts where one can accumulate cash and prizes by confessing one's doubts about one's engagement, the woman in question, and promises already made to have children. Bonus points are awarded for moaning about women you've dated in the past. Those who end up deciding to call off their engagement, walk away with the grand prize -- a brand new Ford Bronco.
In the Wedded Bliss Pavilion, married men relax in the world's most comfortable Barcalounger recliner. While they sleep, read "Sports Illustrated," or watch "My Name is Earl," their wives take care of their children and the entire running of the house. If any wife or child comes within a ten yard radius of the Barcalounger, the offending family member will receive a mild, yet discouraging 25-volt shock.
For males over 30, there's the "You Think You've Had Medical Problems?" display, in which there are graphic, three-dimensional recreations of every possible health-related problem. There are no prizes here, other than the satisfaction of sharing every mind-numbing detail of each one of your past and current medical problems, with anyone within earshot.
Well, our tour's nearly over, but I did want to give you a preview of one of the features in Jewishland, currently being constructed in the amusement park's West Bank. When you ride the state-of-the-art Roller Coaster of Guilt, you will be having more fun than anyone who's ever ridden a roller coaster. Hence, the guilt you will feel afterwards. Why should you be having so much fun, you'll ask yourself. Are you really worthy of this excitement? What about all your ancestors who never got to ride a roller coaster, much less the world's greatest one? With so much pain and suffering in the world, should you even be in an amusement park, period? Relax. Jewishland's Guilt Counselors will talk you through it all, help you relax, and send you off to the fascinating Hall of Alternative Occupations, where you'll learn about all the Jews who've been successful at jobs other than doctor, lawyer, and stand-up comedian. Emmis!
I fully expect these amusement parks to become popular, so I've already begun planning even more special-interest theme parks -- for policemen, fashion models, forest rangers, and accountants. Naturally, the future is uncertain, but I think you'll agree that two things are obvious: One – amusement parks can offer a multitude of insights into the nature of men, women and Jews. And two, that I've got way too much free time on my hands.