Funny Stuff
Yes, I Wrote for Seinfeld
5 min read
5 min read
Resolutions like these come a few weeks early for people like me.
If it's December, it can only mean one thing: oily potato latkes and sufganiot shot full of jelly or chocolate, and in the days following, guilt over having ingested so many calories, especially of the saturated fat variety. This guilt, in turn will lead to the annual promise to myself to lose weight. This is a secret resolution, since if I blab about it to my friends I actually have to take it seriously, which is really not at all fun. What about the fact that I'm posting my intention on the internet for all to see? Well, let's just keep this between us.
Still, I have to make at least a half-hearted effort, so the question becomes: what gambit shall I choose this time? I boned up on the latest spate of diet books, and have decided to encapsulate them for you, as a public service to the cybersphere. Here's what I found:
the protein builds muscle, while the elimination of joy in eating depresses the appetite.
I considered each of these books and their recommendations, then promptly rejected them. Not only do I hate anything that smacks of regimentation, I once tried Tai Chi and found it induced a state of catatonic boredom. I also hate mustard and am allergic to cayenne pepper. Instead, I am going to get in shape and lose weight with a program of my own devising. I will call it, "Chew Less, Move More," a name that aptly sums up the premise. I'll cut way down on white flour, sugar and fat, and eat more low-calorie and vegetable-based foods, until next Chanukah when I will once again have no choice but to gorge myself on greasy holiday delicacies. But by then I'll already have written my own diet book and stretched a catchy four word title into a 250-page bestseller.