JEWLARIOUS SATIRE -- Moishe Rosenberg arrived in Israel to a heroes welcome after returning from China with gold that he picked up in Beijing – at the Mercantile Exchange – and at 20 points below the posted rate.

"I don't know how it happened," said a stunned Rosenberg as he relayed the story. "I showed up at the Exchange around 9am to meet my usual contact, but he wasn't there. No one was there. Apparently, the police had come in and forced all of the traders to go and applaud at a hammer throw competition or something. I don't even know what that means. Anyway, the only person in the whole place was this kid -- couldn't have been more than 12 years old, but he assured me he was 21. He had the government document to prove it. Anyway, I could see he didn't know what he was talking about so I told him I wanted to buy some gold at 780 dollars an ounce. When he processed the trade I couldn't believe it because gold is currently trading at $800 an ounce! It was the best trade of my life! A personal best!"

Rosenberg has signed an endorsement deal with the "Kent Stand" a private mercantile exchange in Jerusalem.

Since his gold victory, Rosenberg has become somewhat of a national hero in his native Israel. He has made several television appearances and has signed an endorsement deal with the "Kent Stand" a private mercantile exchange in Jerusalem. He is also now looked up to by many Israeli youngsters.

Little Dudu Kozlowsky for example, eleven years old from Petach Tikvah used to want to be a diamond merchant. Not anymore. "My uncle Nati sells diamonds," said Dudu, "he makes an okay living I guess. But Moishe showed me that the real money's in foreign currency and precious metals. I want to be like Moishe!"

Little Sammy Erez added, "I used to be really into Uri Geller so I was thinking about becoming a psychic, but then I heard about Moishe Rosenberg, and I was like 'bending a silver spoon is cool and everything, but bend some gold Geller and then we'll talk.' So I decided to write my securities exam." Sammy Erez is seven years old.

At a press conference held upon his return, reporters prodded Rosenberg, asking him what makes him special – what gives him the passion to strive for gold. "Well," said Rosenberg nonchalantly, "I guess I want to minimize the effects of inflation, maximize my estate planning options, and diversify my assets." Rosenberg added, "Oh ya, and it's really shiny too."