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Israel Brings Home Gold from Beijing

Israel Brings Home Gold from Beijing

Israeli Moishe Rosenberg returns with gold from Beijing...the Beijing Mercantile Exchange.


JEWLARIOUS SATIRE -- Moishe Rosenberg arrived in Israel to a heroes welcome after returning from China with gold that he picked up in Beijing – at the Mercantile Exchange – and at 20 points below the posted rate.

"I don't know how it happened," said a stunned Rosenberg as he relayed the story. "I showed up at the Exchange around 9am to meet my usual contact, but he wasn't there. No one was there. Apparently, the police had come in and forced all of the traders to go and applaud at a hammer throw competition or something. I don't even know what that means. Anyway, the only person in the whole place was this kid -- couldn't have been more than 12 years old, but he assured me he was 21. He had the government document to prove it. Anyway, I could see he didn't know what he was talking about so I told him I wanted to buy some gold at 780 dollars an ounce. When he processed the trade I couldn't believe it because gold is currently trading at $800 an ounce! It was the best trade of my life! A personal best!"

Rosenberg has signed an endorsement deal with the "Kent Stand" a private mercantile exchange in Jerusalem.

Since his gold victory, Rosenberg has become somewhat of a national hero in his native Israel. He has made several television appearances and has signed an endorsement deal with the "Kent Stand" a private mercantile exchange in Jerusalem. He is also now looked up to by many Israeli youngsters.

Little Dudu Kozlowsky for example, eleven years old from Petach Tikvah used to want to be a diamond merchant. Not anymore. "My uncle Nati sells diamonds," said Dudu, "he makes an okay living I guess. But Moishe showed me that the real money's in foreign currency and precious metals. I want to be like Moishe!"

Little Sammy Erez added, "I used to be really into Uri Geller so I was thinking about becoming a psychic, but then I heard about Moishe Rosenberg, and I was like 'bending a silver spoon is cool and everything, but bend some gold Geller and then we'll talk.' So I decided to write my securities exam." Sammy Erez is seven years old.

At a press conference held upon his return, reporters prodded Rosenberg, asking him what makes him special – what gives him the passion to strive for gold. "Well," said Rosenberg nonchalantly, "I guess I want to minimize the effects of inflation, maximize my estate planning options, and diversify my assets." Rosenberg added, "Oh ya, and it's really shiny too."

August 22, 2008

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The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 11

(11) Beverly Kurtin, August 31, 2008 9:26 PM

It's called Jewlarious for a reason

Excuse me, Suzette is a Jewish name? Now THAT is funny (to me). The editor put it there to give the rest of us a laugh. Life is too short not to laugh several times a day. You sound like you need one of my favorite jokes. A rabbi, priest and minister walk into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says, "Is this going to be some kind of a joke?" On the chance that you wrote that while you were hurting or angry, I hope things get better for you and pray that your mood will improve. We all have "those" kinds of days.

(10) sandy, August 27, 2008 4:44 PM


This is very funny satire. Anyone who says otherwise needs to get a sense of humor.

(9) Bob Hilliard, August 26, 2008 9:56 PM

Satire is Satire

Satire is just what it is meant to be and that's Satire. One thing we Jews have always had is a great sense of humor. I find the play of words on the gold of the Olympics to be outstanding. It's also great that we can still laugh when we think of the many tragedies in our noble history. Isn't it also wonderful that we still have the freedom to write and print what we please without censorship by anyone. After all, it's not as though Mikey Brown yelled "Fire" in a crowded theater!

(8) mariana, August 26, 2008 10:55 AM

Loosen Up

This was written with no malice and in good humor. Why does everybody have to take it in the wrong context? It's just a little spoof of the olympics. it's not making fun of anything jewish. Lighten up people!!!!!!

(7) Suzette Cohen, August 26, 2008 9:39 AM

What posessed the editors to put this nonsence in here?

Totally worthless and stupid.

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