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Guilt Trippings

Guilt Trippings

Read this article. You don't want to? Fine, your loss.

by

I feel guilty about a lot of things -- as any good Jew should. I feel guilty accidentally knocking an apple onto the floor of a supermarket. I feel guilty leaving it there. I feel guilty returning the germ-laden thing back to where I found it.

I feel guilty about a lot of things -- as any good Jew should.

When I was a struggling student (not to be confused with "struggling adult") I used to feel guilty buying dented canned goods just to save a few pennies. I felt even guiltier buying a tiny hammer.

I feel guilty when my grocery receipt proclaims, "Congratulations! You're five gallons away from a free gallon of milk!" If that's the only accomplishment of mine worth congratulating me about.

I feel guilty resenting a lower life form that has it better than I do, like a dog in Bel Air. Especially if he's nice and never even rubs my nose in it. In fact, he rubs his nose in me! I suspect his tail would be wagging every bit as much if he lived in my humbler circumstances, which makes resenting an equal opportunity wagger even more guilt-inducing.

I feel guilty when I go "exactly" after somebody makes a point, because I'm usually lying. I don't exactly agree with anything anybody says. I don't even exactly agree with the point I'm making here about "exactly."

I feel guilty wishing mandatory jail time for those who perpetrate elevator-interruptis, the one-floor riders who shun walking a measly flight of stairs.

I feel guilty about the slew of sappier greeting cards people are evidently buying their relatives that I'm not buying mine. Why don't I ever allow Hallmark to ask my mother, "What is a mother?" And why do I pass over the one that recites, "Some dads can whistle, some dads can fish, some dads can cook a mean stew, some dads can yodel, some dads can dance, but they don't measure up to Y-O-U." When my father stumbles upon this unsent card at the store, does he think I think he's the one who doesn't measure up to all those whistling, fishing, cooking, yodeling, dancing dads out there? And what about the mushy ones my folks never send me? How come Hallmark never asks me, "What is a son?" Maybe it's because they forgot the answer that applies to me: Guilt-ridden.

My mother's comfortable enough with the computer now to forward me e-mail her friends found funny or profound enough to forward her. First it was Hallmark. Now it's some computer geek. At first I felt way too guilty deleting these forwards. So I'd kill time reading each and every one of them. "You know you're old if you remember... penny loafers... penny candy..." When I had dial-up, it took forever for the pictures of penny loafers and penny candy to form. All right, Ma, I'm a busy man. I have dating sites to visit, come on. I finally did the unthinkable. I deleted one of her mass forwarded e-mails before reading it. I was now equating my mother with spam. And you thought the other kind of Spam wasn't kosher.

I deleted one of my mother's mass forwarded e-mails before reading it. I was now equating my mother with spam.

I feel guilty not opening all of my niece's latest jpegs of her baby. I don't even have patience for digital children.

I feel guilty about making less money than dead people. Elvis. Rick James. Shakespeare. I can't compete with them. I'd kill myself, but I'd make even less money.

I feel guilty killing a tree, to make the paper, that goes into the business card I take to a bar, and give to a woman, who tosses it in the trash.

I feel guilty when people ask, "How's it going?" two weeks after they last saw me, and my life hasn't improved since the last time they asked how it was going.

I feel guilty dropping my chewing gum on the sidewalk, and five minutes later on my return trip, stepping in the same gum. I feel guilty dropping my wallet on the sidewalk, and five minutes later on my return trip, stepping in the gum dropped by the jerk who grabbed my wallet.

I feel guilty ignoring the "serving suggestion" of macaroni next to a sprig of parsley on a blue plate. They cooked it, they photographed it, they cultivated an entire sprig of parsley. And this ingrate wolfs the macaroni down straight from the container, sans parsley. I guess their lawyers stressed it was just a "suggestion" in case I felt like suing after I found out the parsley didn't actually come with the macaroni.

I feel guilty drawing a likeness of my boss on a head of lettuce before I rinse it, squeezing out the water, and simultaneously screaming obscenities. (But it does leave the lettuce nice and crisp.)

It's time for us to put the squeeze on something else: Jewish guilt, an exercise in futility, the kind of exercise you needn't feel guilty avoiding.

Now, finish up this guilt article, because I'm only gonna throw it out.

Published: November 8, 2008


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Visitor Comments: 4

(4) Mrs. D, November 13, 2008 12:42 PM

And that is not all...

I've been told that the only down side about eating Kosher Chinese food is...20 minutes later,you FEEL GUILTY!! And another thing: I feel guilty throwing out a "perfectly good" plastic deli storage container that held the Kasha Varnishkas that I just bought. But then I feel guilty about keeping the container and using something I didn't really buy. Oy vey But why is it I feel guilty using my valuable time reading this article and replying to it when I'm at home, but somehow forget all about that horrible G-syndrome if I do the same thing while at my desk at work?? Double oy-vey.

(3) Anonymous, November 11, 2008 5:10 PM

You have been well brought up. You should call your mother so she can have nachis from you. If you tactfully tell her that forwards are ecologically wasteful she can be guilt-tripped into stopping. Wouldn't that be a wonderful way to make BOTH of you happy?

(2) Ronni, November 11, 2008 10:23 AM

technology worse or better?

Now that most people have computers it's made life easier for alot of us (and thereby making us feel alot less guilty) except for when it comes to my grandmother who won't change and every day I'll promise myself to write her a letter but I never do, oy, I feel guilty! When I bake something in a aluminum pan and it'll take a hour to clean so I trash it instead of recycling it I feel guilty. When I give my daughter a lollipop I feel guilty, when she starts screaming and people are staring because I won't give her a lollipop I feel guilty. When I spend too much money on organic produce I feel guilty, when I buy produce covered in bug spray I feel more guilty. It never ends but that's how it's supposed to be isn't it?

(1) sara, November 11, 2008 7:17 AM

very funny

I liked the article, veryfunny, and I feel guity about the same things some times

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