With the breaking story that Pope Benedict would be reinstating excommunicated Bishop Richard Williamson, an avowed holocaust denier, Jewlarious's crack investigative team (four men in chicken suits driving around in a 1961Chevelle) flew to the Vatican to dig deeper. Shortly after their arrival, Pope Benedict decreed that in order to rejoin the church, Bishop Williamson would need to publicly disavow statements including those he made last month to a Swedish newspaper: "There was not one Jew killed by the gas chambers." Jewlarious' investigative team has been patiently waiting for his apology and was fortunate to receive an advance copy of it, should he ever choose to read it:
"Dear Jews: I want to make it clear that I had always been planning to make this statement on this day and that it is completely coincidental that I am making it now that I am being reinstated as a Bishop, after a forty year exile. I have now reconsidered (note to self: hold up the rabbit ears when I say ‘reconsidered') my views and I must say that if the Bishop job is still open, I am really sorry and was completely wrong, but if it was filled, then I still believe that Jews have been fabricating all aspects of the holocaust.
If the Bishop job is still open, I'm really sorry, but if it was filled, I still believe the Jews have fabricated the holocaust.
Furthermore, I categorically deny any accusations that I have tinkered with my Facebook page as a public relations ploy. My Facebook status has always been, "Shalom means hello, goodbye AND peace? How cool is that?!" and I frequently rotate my profile picture between a hilarious picture of Mel Gibson on the set of the "Passion" and one of my favorite Jewesses, that delightful Deborah Messing. (May want to emphatically add: ‘You should have seen Messing in "the Wedding Date"! Her parents have so much naches!'). I have been chatting with my good friend, convicted holocaust denier Ernst Zundel, and he and I both wonder if Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is behind these allegations. (See how the crowd is reacting, may want to offer a compliment: ‘By the way, congrats on Zuckerberg – way to consolidate your control of the media, Jews!')
I have started my research into the issues and I must admit that I initially found myself confused as to how the same people who are powerful enough to control the world's banks suffered such a great tragedy. Now, I realize the cabal of Jewish bankers that lives underground and controls the global money are simply too busy manipulating stock markets and creating recessions for sport. Also, as part of my research, I recently decided to speak with Pope Benedict, who shared a few stories with me about his time in the Hitler Youth. If the Pope himself was a member of Hitler Youth, who am I to deny the holocaust? (For emphasis add the following line and maybe do your Seinfeld impersonation: "I mean, he's the pope! The pope!") Finally, I must admit that I am recanting to appease the Jews who are still – and I want to emphasize that I know it is not all of you so that no one accuses me of being anti-Semitic--- drinking Christian blood on Passover. Sorry, I have a nephew to worry about.
If the Pope himself was a member of Hitler Youth, who am I to deny the holocaust?
Anyway, I want to apologize to all of those that I have hurt, especially the many excommunicated Bishops out there, who will now be under closer scrutiny. To all of my fans, who stuck through me during the last forty years, I want to say, I am deeply sorry for my old views that the holocaust was a hoax or my new views that it is not a hoax, depending on what is pragmatic for me at this time or how you feel at this time."