No Jews Allowed

We last reported about a hotel in Austria that initiated a "no Jews allowed" policy. Unfortunately, we cannot proudly report that the Jewlarious congregation heeded our call to boycott the Haus Sonnenhof Apartment Hotel by marching down to Tyrol Austria wearing our lederhosen and yodeling. We have better news. At Abraham and Zipora Friedman's Inn called the Scuol Palace in a remote Swiss mountain village, business is booming. It's Europe's largest kosher hotel where you can ski the Swiss Alps by day, and daven in a minyan by night. And like any good Jewish business people the Friedmans are not going to rest on their latkes. "This is just the beginning," said Shoshana Friedman. "We're also breaking into the Jewish markets in Germany, France, Britain, the United States and Canada." Next thing you know the Haus Sonnenhof Apartment Hotel will have a Jewish buyer.

OK, he's no Mohammed Seinfeld, but he's getting there.

Mohammed Seinfeld?

Until now Egyptian citizens were the only ones who could yuck it up with Egyptian cleric Hazem Abu Ismail on TV. But thanks to this video on MEMRI, we can all laugh with Hazzy from the comfort of our own homes. And he's no amateur. He's got some good material, like this bit in support of boycotting Pepsi, "Do you know what the word Pepsi means? P is for pay, E for every, P for penny, S for saving, I for Israel. In other words, when you buy a Pepsi you are saving Israel." OK, he's no Mohammed Seinfeld, but on occasion, he kills. Literally. Word on the street is that he's going to try out for Egypt's version of the American reality show Last Comic Standing. But in this version, the winner is literally the last comic standing as he has murdered his co-competitors. Kind of has a Survivor feel to it as well.

...Buy me some Kugel and Cracker Jacks...

If you ever dreamed of becoming a professional baseball player but feared you were simply too short, too slow and too Jewish, take heart. Apparently, Hatzolah – a Jewish version of the paramedics -- has been playing baseball games against various NYPD and FDNY divisions all summer, building not only biceps but a heimishe relationship with the police agencies. The games have raised more than $30,000 for civic groups and Jewish community loan agencies and the police don't seem troubled by Hatzolah's preference for having a first inning stretch, a second inning stretch, a third inning stretch... In fact, Captain Larry Robinson said, "I enjoy having a nosh between innings – every single inning."

Do you know Jean Shorts James?

If you are Jewish, you've had one of these conversations before:

"You are from Chicago? Do you know James Goldstein?"

"I think so, is he the guys who always wear jean shorts?"

"Yeah, that's him! Jean Shorts James Goldstein!"

Or

"Do you know Hal Rosenberg?"

"Does he have terrible breath?"

"Ya, that's him! Halitosis Hal Rosenberg."

These Jewish Geography conversations may get a little easier to play from now on as geneticists at Israel's Sheba Medical Center and New York University are launching the world's first gene-mapping project of Jews, to trace their wanderings to and from Israel and in the Diaspora over time. So now you can find Jean Shorts James and Halitosis Hal with the click of a mouse. Although let's be honest – you may not want to.

Dr. Jewlarious

If you are afflicted with Nachasitis, a peculiarly Jewish trait that leads to uncontrollable urges to begin sentences with "My son the doctor. . . ." (or "My daughter the doctor" to be fair), yet your kid couldn't hack organic chemistry, consider this substitute: "My son, the medical clown. . . " No joking, Haifa University is offering an undergrad degree in medical clowning. We at Jewlarious think this is a stroke of genius, since we appreciate the healing power of humor. No doubt these medical clowns will soon write on their prescription pads, "Read two Jewlarious articles and call us in the morning."