We don’t know about you, but we here at Jewlarious want global warming back – these last few weeks have been a weather-geddon. There have been blizzards in New York, ice storms in Toronto, and some of the coldest temperatures on record in cities around North America thanks to the recent “polar vortex.” This is not to mention the snow storm in Jerusalem that paralyzed the Holy City in a way only rivalled by the Great Humus Shortage of 1953. The extreme weather has climate scientists debating the question whether this proves that global warming has been exaggerated or instead if it is a further proof of the effects of global warming (not quite sure how that one works, but OK). But let’s face it, the real question for us is: what should Jews do during this cold weather? As your cyberservants, we’ve come up with the following list of activities to help lift your spirits on these cold winter days:
7 Things Jews Can Do in this Freakishly Cold Weather
1. “They” make snowmen. “We” make snow-menschen. Our advice: find a polar bear carcass, wrap your child in it, take him/her outside and build a snow-mensch. Forget about a carrot nose and a winter hat for Frosty. Instead, give snow-mensch peyos and a shtremel. Check out this work of art that was put together during the recent snow storm in Jerusalem. Respectful? Not really. Impressive? You bet.
Make a snow-mench
2. Go to the airport. Caution: do not book a flight. If you try that, you’ll end up sleeping on an airport floor next to a man from Chile who has different personal hygiene habits than you. Instead, go to Costco and buy everything you can, bring your kids with you and start selling! You’ve got a captive market on your hands – you can make enough money in one day to pay for your kid’s Jewish school tuition. More importantly, this is a teachable moment for your children: when the going gets tough, Jews get entrepreneurial.
3. After a bone chilling walk outside, “they” enjoy a hot cup of chocolate to warm them up. Instead, how about a hot cup of cholent? The oil, the meat, the schmaltz, they won’t just warm up the body, they’ll warm up the arteries too!
4. After digging your car out of the snow, falling on the ice that’s accumulated on your front steps, driving to Home Depot and nearly trampling a homeless man who is huddling for warmth near the last bag of salt in the city, there’s only one thing left for you to do: kvetch. It is well known that we Jews have of mastered the art of the kvetch and this may be a good time for you to teach your children some valuable kvetching techniques that have been passed down to you such as: the sigh, the shoulder shrug, and the unreasonable promise that whatever it is you are doing now you will never do again. Kvetching is a time honored Jewish tradition – make sure your children are another link in the chain.
5. We all love the fantasy worlds created by Hollywood like the Matrix, The Hunger Games or the X-Men. Have you ever felt like you wanted to inhabit one of these worlds yourself? Well now’s your chance to be part of your own real life science fiction horror movie: The “Polar Vortex”! That’s right, you get to bundle up so that you resemble an extra-terrestrial, stock up on provisions in a mad scramble and wrestle an old Greek lady for the last can of kidney beans, and generally feel like that the world is coming to an end. It’s pretty awesome, really. Oh, and don’t forget to develop a catch phrase. Try to think of something better than, “Go ahead, make my Polar Vortex.”
6. Have you ever wanted to see Niagara Falls? It’s the largest waterfall in North America and one of the wonders of the world (well it should be). They must be beautiful this time of year… …oh…they just froze. That’s right. In case you didn’t hear, Niagara Falls actually froze. If you don’t believe us, check out these pictures. If Niagara Falls freezes over, what could be next? Hmm…maybe we should all stop using the expression “when hell freezes over.” Just in case.
7. Go visit your parents. In times like these, it’s important to be with the ones we love. If your parents are getting on in years it’s also important to check on them, make sure that they are safe and have all of the provisions that they require. Also, in all likelihood your mother will start to ask you why you never bring her Shabbos flowers anymore like you used to when you were in high school and your father will want to know if you think he should respond to the email he received from that Nigerian prince and in a few minutes you’ll be happy to go back out into the Polar Vortex!