As is the case with many intelligent, passionate, cultural, ethnic and religious groups, we Jews have been known to do our share of arguing. No, really! Some of us even make a pretty good living at it if we choose to go into such fields as law, politics or professional wrestling, which combines arguments with boasting, threats, insults, and obsession over weight – not unlike a marriage, when you think about it.
Of course, the stress of the holidays often serves to intensify arguments, hence Mutual of Hackensack’s recent offering of Holiday Argument Insurance, which covers you for any physical, emotional or psychological damages resulting from said arguments – and they also give you a pen that lights up in the dark. Thanksgiving, naturally, with family members who haven’t seen each other all year often coming together, is the mother of all argument-prone holidays. And if you combine Thanksgiving, Jews, and celebrities – well, clearly you’re asking for argument hell.
Check out these arguments between Jewish celebrities on Thanksgiving this year
But don’t take my word for it. Check out the following arguments that took place in the homes of Jewish celebrities on Thanksgiving Day this year:
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and her husband, Martin
Ruth: Honey, how do you like the stuffing?
Martin: I’ve never tasted anything like it.
Ruth: I object!
Martin: To what?
Ruth: Saying you’ve never tasted anything like it is one of those neutral statements people use. Could be good, could be bad, but it’s usually bad. Now, you’re under oath. How did you really feel about my homemade stuffing?
Martin: Words simply cannot describe it.
Ruth: Alright, that does it. I find the witness in contempt!
Martin: “Witness”? Ruth, we’ve been married for 55 years!
Ruth: And you can’t find it within yourself to say something nice about my stuffing? Bailiff, remove the witness from this court room. This Thanksgiving dinner is adjourned.
William Shatner and his wife, Elizabeth Martin
Elizabeth: Hey, Bill, what say you go where no man has gone before – into the kitchen to help me clean up this dinner?
William: You’re kidding, right? I’m a major star. I don’t do dishes. Our hired help does dishes.
Elizabeth: We gave our hired help the day off for Thanksgiving, remember? That leaves us to do it. Unless you’d like me to call Mr. Spock or Sulu.
William: I’m one step ahead of you. They turned me down earlier today. Look, sweetheart, love of my life –
Elizabeth: You mean fourth love of your life, don’t you, Bill? I’m your fourth wife, remember? I would think you’d want to do everything you can to make this one work.
William: You’re right, Elizabeth. I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you by singing “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” for you, from my acclaimed spoken word album.
Elizabeth: Tell you what, Bill. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll clean up Thanksgiving dinner myself if you promise never to sing “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” for me again.
William: You sure?
William: I could sing “Mr. Tambourine Man” if you’d prefer.
Elizabeth: Don’t push me, Bill.
Joan & Melissa Rivers
Melissa: Mom, I’ve prepared a special Thanksgiving prayer to start our meal off.
Joan: Me, first… God, can we talk? You know me as Joan Molinsky, daughter of Beatrice and Meyer Molinsky from Brooklyn, New York. Since then, I’ve changed my name, changed my occupation, and changed most of my skin. But I still have my brash manner, loud raspy voice and heavy New York accent, so I’m still very feminine. Hopefully, you still recognize me. Oh, sure, I poke fun at myself and other celebrities, but I’ve never forgotten You, God.
Melissa: Mom, the turkey’s getting cold. Could I give my prayer?
Joan: Melissa, please, I’m not done yet. God wants to hear the rest. God, it wasn’t easy for me going from being a major comedic superstar to hawking jewelry on the Home Shopping Network. I knew you were testing me, just like you tested Job. But I came through with flying colors and even donated 50% of the profits to charity – the Joan Rivers Foundation.
Melissa: Mom, could you wrap it up?
Joan: Melissa, I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it. That goes for show biz, too. So, please, a little respect. Lord, it’s not that you haven’t continually tested me. In 1978, you saw fit to make sure that the movie I wrote and directed, “Rabbit Test,” would die a quick death at the box office. You created a feud between me and Johnny Carson. You inspired my daughter to get into show business despite the fact that she has all the charisma of a ball of yarn. But you won’t find any of this causing a frown on my face. In fact, thanks to all the plastic surgeries I’ve had, I can’t move my face at all.
Melissa: Mom, could you pass the stuffing?
Joan: Melissa! I don’t mind your interrupting me, but you’re interrupting God. That’s it; you’re out of the will. Sorry, Lord. Now, where was I?... Oh, yes, things started looking up for me in the 1980s when I…