With the holiday season upon us, Jewish parents are getting edgy trying to find the right gifts for their children. Remember, Chanukah is eight days long, so the first thing you should do is look at your goyishe neighbor's preliminary list and multiply by eight to understand your true need for creative and original ideas. As a public service, we at Jewlarious have come up with a few suggestions to help you in case you are short on time or patience.
The Little Knish Home Oven: Just ask your children and they will tell you flat out that they don't love iPods, they love knishes. The Little Knish Home Oven is perfect for your little baker, who will learn a valuable skill, instead of loafing on the couch, watching Zach Efron dance flamboyantly. The Little Knish Home Oven comes with fresh ingredients so be sure to use it before the five pounds of potatoes go bad. At $1500 this is an expensive gift, but your child will be occupied for days, rolling dough and learning the ins and outs of how to work with trays that get heated to 450 degrees. (Not recommended for children above the age of eight.)
The Snuggie Tallis: Just in time for those cold morning services comes the snuggie tallis. Is it a blanket? Is it a prayer shawl? It's a blanket AND a prayer shawl... and it's amazing. Velcro sleeves make it easy to adjust your Snuggie Tallis for wrapping t'fillin. Available in blue and white...and white and blue.
Nothing says Happy Chanukah like the gift of Dubai.
Dubai: Nothing says Happy Chanukah like the gift of Dubai. Dubai is on sale right now and who knows how long this Emirate will last – there might be nothing left after the holiday season. Sure, the country does not have oil to light a Chanukiah, but it is does have an indoor ski slope that your child can use at his/her whims, throwing snowballs year round. Instead of toy cranes, he can play with the many dormant cranes that dot Dubai's skyline. Sure, anti-Semitism is rabid in Dubai, but that will change when your toddler takes over.
Horah Hero: Jews love to dance, albeit around in around in circles. You no longer have to wait for a wedding or bar mitzvah to get your "Horah on," thanks to Activision's new "Horah Hero" game. From the "holding hands and moving to the right" to the "arm on the shoulder... and moving to the right" to the "we're too sweaty to touch, let's just move to the right" - all of your favorite horahs are included. With more than 30 levels of horahs your kids will dance until they're dizzy. And, if you want to take it to the next level, add on the optional "celebration chair" and lift your avatar right into the bonus round. Available for XBOX 360, PS3 and Wii.
Tickle Me Larry David doll: Infants love Larry David almost as much as their parents do. You can purchase Tickle Me Larry David, which comes equipped with black pants, a blue long sleeve sweater, glasses and sideburns for $39.95 at any major retailer. Give Tickle Me Larry David a squeeze and hear him give his only response, a thirty minute rumination on being squeezed (excerpt follows): “Do I go around squeezing you? Do I? No. So why are you squeezing me? Why? What if everyone went around touching and squeezing? At any moment in time, anyone, you or your friends can just grab anyone. My ribs are broken and I am constantly exposed to the swine flu. Its grotesque, but you keep going.….”
Fatwa Ruxpin: Competition with Tickle Me Larry David, Fatwa Ruxpin "cousin" of the more cuddly eighties holiday success, Teddy Ruxpin, is another adorable talking doll, only this one issues death edicts. Modern and programmable, your child whispers the names and Fatwa Ruxpin does the dirty work. Imported from Iran, consider brainwashing your child into working with Fatwa Ruxpin to issue his first edict ("my very first Fatwa") on cousin Teddy, Tickle Me Larry David, the Real Larry David or, for sentimentality sake, on Salman Rushdie. Fatwa Ruxpin is the ideal gift for a child who is being bullied at school. Fundamentalists not included.