JEWLARIOUS SATIRE - Purim is around the corner, but what will your kids wear? You need to balance fun with the desire to humiliate your child for decades to come. The Jewlarious editorial staff and fashion reporters have come up with the following suggestions:
Balance fun with the desire to humiliate your child for decades to come
Shave your little boy’s head, tape on a mostly white beard and dress him in a dark blue suit with a dark and light blue diagonally striped tie. Now, give him $700 billion in play money to purchase all of the poor investments that his friends’ parents made – from their mortgage on their second home in Florida to their mortgage on their third home in Aspen to their mortgage on their condos in Vegas and Manhattan. This Purim your little boy can dress-up as Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke. And, who knows, maybe if he makes some shrewd choices, he will be ready to manage the economy himself when he graduates from elementary school – how much worse can things get?
Tea Parties are popular these days, and what these tea parties need more of are tea kettles. That’s where your kids come in. For your little Jeremy to pull off this costume he needs to be short, a little stout, and extremely distrustful of big government, opposed to socialized medicine, and it would also help if he was borderline racist. This is an easy costume to put together. Just wrap your little one in a sheet around his torso, get some Styrofoam for his lid and have him listen to nothing but Glenn Beck from now until Purim.
From David Letterman to Mark McGwire and Tiger Woods to Akio Toyoda, everyone is apologizing for something these days. So, if you are running short on time and need an easy costume, look for a 4-ft by 6-ft piece of paper in your house. If you have one, create a crease down the middle and tape this makeshift card to junior. All you have to do now is write "I am sorry..." on the front and “presto” junior is the world’s largest “I’m sorry” card. Now the fun begins as he asks everyone he sees to own up to their sins. Still, be careful, you may just discover that junior needs to part ways with his best friend Stevie. On the upside though, you might also learn who set that fire on your porch.
Why not kill two birds with one stone by getting your little guy ready for the realities of being a Semitic man and getting him a topical costume for Purim? Consider covering your little guy from head to toe in fur and adding a set of blue ear muffs. Suddenly, Yitzi has transformed into Quatchi, the Mascot from the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver. As an added benefit, remember, mascots are not allowed to speak, so you can keep the Quatchi outfit on hand for other important occasions, when you just want some peace and quiet around the house.
The globe is getting warmer, and all of us need to do our part to reduce our carbon footprint. Just ask Al Gore’s personal pilot who shuttles him around the world in his private jet: he recycles his sandwich bags. So this year, why not get into the Purim spirit and help fight global warming all at the same time: dress your son Sammy as an air conditioner. Scientists say that all we need to do to reverse climate change is to lower the earth’s surface temperature by 2 degrees Celsius. So start this Purim. Plug Sammy into a portable generator, put some straps on an air conditioning unit, slap it on Sammy’s back like a nap sack, and wheel Sammy around like a little Al Gore machine. Sure Sammy may give his friends frostbite, but he can look down on them disdainfully when their parents drive them to the emergency room in their SUVs while Sammy is saving the world. One day, Sammy’s friends will thank him.