I’ve updated my author photo. Curls and all.
You should get one of those Medic Alert thingies so you don’t lie on the floor screaming.
I was never really good at meeting new people. After all, what’s the point?
Jews feel guilty if we don’t complain; Gentiles feel guilty for making a fuss.
Believe it or not, Jews don’t have a monopoly on guilt.
I’m terrible at sports, but my team always wins. They play their best to compensate for me.
His last name ends with “man.” That's also why we think Superman is Jewish.
Why won’t my son introduce me to his girlfriend? I’m sure she’ll love me unless I hate her first.
Who needs 80 million pictures of themselves?
Aunt Esther is coming. First step: freak out. Next step: get to work!
My son, Daniel, came home with a gerbil the other day. These kids pick up the weirdest things in school.
#2 – It will mean more airtime for CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.
A sit down interview with the world famous doll who turned 56, and who, it may come as a surprise to many, is Jewish.
After all of these years of Jews eating Chinese, Chinese decide to return the favor.
Q: I’m cleaning out my kitchen, and I found two slices of frozen pizza. Should I split up the two slices among my 8 kids, or go to the store and buy MORE pizza so no one will feel left out?
What do Angela Merkel, Ayatollah Khamenei, Vladamir Putin, Kim Jong-Un and Stephen Harper really think of Benjamin Netanyahu?
My advice and witticisms on apparel and appearance.
From what I told my son about his new apartment to my cousin who wants to maximize an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet.
I am afraid of public speaking, which doesn’t help my career as a part-time standup comedian.
Jon Stewart has won 19 Emmy Awards. I am ready to win 19 Emmy Awards, given the chance.
Purim is the holy holiday of candy – allow me to prepare you.
Men whatever you do, never tell your wife that her clothes look, or her food tastes “fine.”
Men and women think we speak the same language. We don’t.
For example: the art of the two minute shower!
DMGK = Darf min gehn in kolledj or “for this I went to college”?!
It’s flu-season and my kids are really starting to take advantage.
Forget LOL” How about WAICL for “What am I, chopped liver”?
Why is it that when men get sick, even the manliest among them morph into sissies?
I’m deaf and going in for surgery for a cochlear implant. Send kosher Chinese – please!
Jewlarious has obtained a leaked document of alternate torture methods under discussion by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.
I’ve got back pain so I guess that means mazal tov to me, I am old now.
Suze Essenfeld bought into the Krankheiter – a thermometer that tells you when you are not sick.
Least-successful Jewish celebrity-branded products like Paul Simon’s “I am a Sock.”
“Spend more time with family & friends.” Um… for 3500 Jews have been nailing this one.
Many Christmas songs were written by Jews. If instead they wrote their songs for Hanukkah, this is what they’d look like.
How about the Back-Scratch Shirt which comes with a grid on the back, like in battleship, so you can direct the scratcher to the specific itch with lightening precision.
Prime Minister Sean Hannity?!
If you can’t sing, tell jokes, don’t make the office party your debut.
Meet Sylvia. She’s been around for 3000 years, the last 1200 of which with an enormous bunion. But does she complain? No.
“Listen, if this interview is going on much longer, can we at least bring in a nosh?”
What’s better: empty nest or full house? I’m conflicted.
I thought of going on one of those “Hoarding” reality shows, except they’d make me throw out my stuff. And my stuff is important.
Did you hear about the kosher deli owner who was thinking about becoming a vegan? Let’s just say it wasn’t great for business.
Klinghoffer protestors stopped by Zabar’s for rugelach 8 times in 3 hours.