I know, I know. I don’t call. I don’t write. It’s been a long time. I am sorry, OK! I’VE BEEN BUSY!!!
That was wrong. I shouldn’t have yelled. Or used an exclamation mark. Fine – three of them. Let’s just move on. I will put out some sponge cake and we can nosh a little. Let’s get down to Blogowitzing.
Saudi Arabia is claiming that the Mossad is using vultures against it as spies. Yes, birds.
A BUNCH OF VULTURES
So, I’m sure by now you’ve all see the crazy story about Egypt blaming the Mossad for the spate of shark attacks on Egyptian beaches. Our friend Stephen Colbert did a fine job highlighting the event here. You know how when a child says something smart and gets praise from his parent or teacher, then the rest of his classmates want to say something even smarter? Well apparently, with Arab governments, it works the opposite way. Saudi Arabia is claiming that the Mossad is using vultures against it as spies. Yes you read that correctly. Vultures. No, that’s not a type of satellite. We’re talking birds here. Reportedly, the Saudis caught a vulture flying over its air space which had been tagged by Tel Aviv University as part of an animal study. Being known as a state that employs torture during interrogation, Tel Aviv University is concerned about the safety of it’s vulture. Jewlarious’s sources inside the Kingdom tell us that the news is not good. I don’t want to get into specifics, but I’ve got three letters for you – KFC.
FOR THIS, YOU’RE HAPPY?
Did you see the new Gallup study about religion and health? Well you should – it will be good for your health. Apparently, people who consider themselves “very religious” have “higher overall wellbeing than do their respective counterparts who are moderately religious or nonreligious.” That’s right, put that picture of the fat religious guy from shul who hovers over the herring at the Kiddush out of your mind. But it gets better. Jews have the highest wellbeing of any of the faith groups. That’s right! We’re number one! We’re number one! Tell your grandmothers immediately because I know mine will be very surprised by this news. “With all of our tzures…” You know why I think we’re so happy? This survey. We love being better than everyone else.
ISRAEL A SOVEREIGN COUNTRY?!
In a heated exchange with an Al-Jazeera reporter, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “Israel is a sovereign country and it makes its own decisions.” Right. She then went on to demand that Israel halt all building in Jerusalem, make additional concessions to the Palestinians, and go straight to bed tonight without eating its supper.
A LA CARTE
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Jews at restaurants need to eat more food, and at a faster pace.” If you have, you must be a cardiologist looking to grow his practice. Well Dr. Schmaltzstein, your prayers have been answered. According to Eater (NY), a soon to be opened kosher restaurant in New York called Sushein will feature sushi on a conveyer belt. Coming soon to a shul Kiddush near you…
WOODY ALLEN’S TAILOR
Finally, a question: if you need a nice new suit for your nephew Heschy’s bar mitzvah, but want a “special” wholesale price, where are you going to go? Sol, the old Jewish tailor of course who measures your cuffs while he tells you that he still has two pieces of herring for breakfast every morning even at eighty two. But what would you do if you lived in the year 2173, when suits will probably be designed by robots or droids or aliens that have enslaved us? Well Woody Allen in his 1973 movie Sleeper answers the question for us. Enjoy.