Hello 2012. We know that we’ve only just met but we have a feeling about you. A good feeling. We could do something special together, you and us Jews. And please don’t listen to what people are saying -- that somehow we don’t like you 2012, but instead favor your cousin 5772. We have a special place in our hearts for both of you.
We know that it is a little early in our relationship to make requests, but things didn’t go that well between us and 2011, so perhaps putting everything on the table at the beginning of our relationship will actually help. So on behalf of the Jewish people, here are some of our requests for 2012. There are only seven. Like the days of the week. So when you have taken care of the items on this list 2012, you can rest.
- Too many people died in 2011. Of course there was our great uncle Heshy and the lady who works at the kosher deli who gives us extra pickles (may they rest in peace -- not the pickles). But then 2011 had to take people like Peter Falk who played TV’s Columbo and Sherwood Schwartz creator of Gilligan’s Island and The Brady Bunch. Yes you heard that correctly 2012 -- Gilligan’s Island! What gives 2011?! You got something against red shirts and eccentric millionaires? So 2012, if at all possible no more nice people dying this year. Especially creators of 80’s TV series. If that’s too difficult, at least look out for Glen A. Larson. We always liked The Knight Rider. A talking car? C’mon, how awesome is that?
- 2011 was the year of the so called “Arab Spring.” The media romanticized the protests but in actuality they were quite violent, and haven’t led to the burgeoning bastions of democracy that we had all hoped for. 2012, can we make this year’s global protests look more like the Israeli demonstrations this summer that protested the high cost of living? You know, the ones where protestors erected tents around the country and played guitar, slept in their sleeping bags and roasted gelatine free kosher marshmallows? Worst case scenario for 2012: protestors can tell each other ghost stories.
- We sat shiva in 2011. Not for any relatives. For something we loved much more -- Matisyahu’s beard. Why did you murder it 2011? What did it ever do to you? It was so long and ...well, long. So 2012, if you could resurrect Matisyahu’s beard somehow, if you could command his facial hair to Shake off the Dust and ...Arise, we’d really appreciate it. If pressed, we’d even settle for a goatee.
- Oh 2012 please don’t give Iran nuclear weapons this year -- and talk to all of your other year friends while you are at it. Please? Come on, their President Mahmoud Ahmadinijad wants to wipe Israel off the map and has claimed that the Holocaust never happened. Why don’t we make a deal, 2012? Why don’t you allow Israel to invade Iran, strike its nuclear facilities and then claim the invasion never happened? That would be fair, no?
- 2012 is going to be a big year for politics -- the American presidential race will be decided after all. Sure there are Republicans and Democrats, but 2012 if possible, could you see to it that Solly Sapperstein -- the guy in shul who loves giving everyone a “yashar koach” for no reason -- is elected. All of the other candidates have plans for how to repair the American medical system but Solly says all anyone will need is his mother Henny’s chicken soup with kneidlech. We’ve tried it and it really cleanses the sinuses.
- Hey we love what your friend 2011 did with Osama Bin Laden. Now we Jews wouldn’t want to single anyone out by name, but 2012, if you could do something similar to the other enemies of the Jewish people that would be great. OK, his name rhymes with Bahmoud Bahmadinijad, but it didn’t come from us.
- Finally, 2012, is there anything you can do about the global recession? Seriously, this sucks. Our cousin Morty has been out of work for 18 months and all he eats is free packets of ketchup. That can’t be healthy. Give Morty a job, 2012. And millions of others. There aren’t enough tomatoes to go around.
Well that’s it...for now. See that wasn’t that bad, was it 2012? We hope you didn’t find our requests too forward, but our mothers always told us, “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” They also always told us that sweater vests project success but we’d prefer not to talk about that. The truth us, you will find that we Jewish people can be a great partner. When we unite and set our minds to something, we Jews can do amazing things for the world. Like the cure for Polio (Jonas Salk) or the hot dog bun (Abraham Levis) --that was all us.
Thank you for taking the time to consider our seven requests. Now you may rest.
The Jewish People