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Game of Moans

Game of Moans

An advance preview of the Jewish version of “Game of Thrones.”

by

Due to the enormous popularity of HBO’s fantasy drama series, “Game of Thrones”, it was only a matter of time until a Jewish version was created. That time is nearly here. I was privileged to have been given an advanced look at the upcoming “Game of Moans”. While purists may balk at the startling differences between GOT and GOM, Jews who love the original are bound to be enthralled. And so it gives me great pleasure to present 10 highlights from the fantasy drama show that will be gracing your TV screens in a few months: “Game of Moans”.

1. Game of Moans is a Jewish fantasy drama television series created by Shlomo Weiss and D.B. Morgenstern. It is an adaptation of A Song of Blintzes and Kugel, Sheldon Leibowitz’s series of fantasy novels, the first of which is A Game of Moans. It is filmed in Miami Beach, Brooklyn, New York, and elsewhere in the United Kingdom, Canada, Croatia, Iceland, Malta, Morocco, and Spain. It is set on the fictional continents of Tsuris and Mishegas.

2. Due to its fantasy themes, Game of Moans is expected to give a huge boost to the popularity of the already successful online Jewish fantasy games, including:

  • Lord of the Latkes
  • Golem Age: Origins
  • Shlomo’s Gate
  • Yeshiva Scholar: The Ultimate Warrior
  • Vengeance of the Kosher Butcher
  • EverKvetch
  • Final Fantasy: Discovering Her Home’s Kitchen
  • The Mikvah of Zelda
  • Quest for Guilt
  • Heshie Potowitz and the Goblet of Borscht
  • Shadow of the Mother-in-Law

3. The medieval realism of Game of Moans is the perfect backdrop for its elements of magic, sorcery, battles, political intrigue, and the horrors of human history – and that’s just in the opening Preparing for Reuven’s Bar Mitzvah episode. In later episodes, the themes of the battle between good and evil, redemption and character change all play out during the world’s first International Horah Competition. Especially delightful is a cameo by the Hava Nagila Dancers from Rwanda.

4. Language used throughout Game of Moans has been specially formulated and consists of a carefully curated mix of Old English, Hebrew, Yiddish, and dolphin sounds. Six linguistics coaches worked for five hours a day with the actors in sessions that were said by the participants to be, “not nearly as uncomfortable as waterboarding.”

5. If Game of Moans proves to be a hit, there will be an enormous demand for show-related merchandise. Here is just a sampling that is on the drawing board for future production:

Replica weapons and armor:

  • House of Schwartz Coat of Arms Shield
  • Chihuahua’s Paw Blade Dagger & Challah Slicer
  • Mother’s Choice Protective Helmet & Winter Mittens

Jewelry:

  • Dragonstone pendant that holds 1/8 oz. chicken soup
  • House of Leibowitz keychain/poison sprayer
  • Kosher dragon egg pendant

Bobblehead Dolls

  • Hadassah Targaryen
  • Yitzchak Sno
  • Mendel Lannister

Costumes

  • Dark Northern Therapist
  • Medieval Hebrew School Teacher
  • Plus-Size Caterer

6. Due to its historical nature, Game of Moans presents an opportunity to learn about history, culture, religion, clothing, architecture and so much more. The show creators, therefore, have produced and made available to educational institutions a host of background material that enhances, clarifies and deepens one’s understanding and enjoyment of the show. Study guides available to teachers, students, and non-profit organizations include the following titles:

  • Game of Moans: What They Didn’t Teach You in Hebrew School
  • Ever Seen Jewish Knights Kick Butt? Check This Out
  • Can Dragons Be Kosher if They’re Shechted Properly?
  • King Zuckerman’s No-Fail Relaxation Tips
  • Isn’t Every Jewish Mother’s Son by Definition a Jewish King?

7. Game of Moans prides itself on exploring the lives of the medieval Jewish working class folks who have been given short shrift on Game of Thrones. Expect to come to know and love accountants, insurance salesmen, mohels, deli owners, dermatologists, actors, financial advisors, Hebrew school teachers, and traveling kugel vendors, to name just a few.

8. Much effort has been put forth to make the Game of Moans dialogue as historically active, engaging, and reflective of Jewish themes as possible. Here’s but one example:

Mendel: “You’ve traveled the way from Minsk to break faith with House Schwartz?”

Yitzchak: “Break faith? Your father burned my grandfather alive. He burned my uncle alive. He would have burned the Seven Shtetls if he hadn’t been distracted by the bankruptcy of his seltzer business.

Mendel: “My father was an evil man – immoral, unethical, and he seldom washed his hands after using public restrooms. On behalf of House Schwartz, I ask your forgiveness for the crimes he committed against your family, most particularly the loud digestive problem noises he made at their seder after consuming too much brisket and green peppers. And I ask you not to judge a daughter by the sins of her father – except for Hadassah Targaryen.”

Yitzchak: “Word. Thou art truly the wind beneath my Hebraic wings.”

9. “Game of Moans” will have a more peaceful orientation than its predecessor. As the show proceeds, characters will still kill one another, but without the cruel violence of Game of Thrones. Examples:

  • Financial advisor Baruch Blatburg will slay his opponents by offering a full and extremely detailed explanation of their retirement investment options.
  • Miriam Feinblatt will bore her opponents to death by forcing them to watch her reenacting her entire bat mitzvah and reception from memory – using puppets.
  • Tzvi Pasternak, master hypnotist, will hypnotize her opponents to believe they are long-lost relatives of dragons. They proceed to plan a family reunion for the dragons – and are never seen again.

10. One of the most anticipated to be popular elements of the upcoming “Game of Moans” will be it revival of medieval Jewish curses. These serve to humiliate opponents, add color to the program, and underscore the fact that words can indeed hurt, especially if they are the right words delivered by the right people. Here is a selection of some of the medieval Jewish curses to be featured on the show:

  • “May your son marry the daughter of the Angel of Death.”
  • “May leeches drink you dry.”
  • “May you have a large store, and whatever people ask for you shouldn’t have, and what you do have shouldn’t be requested.”
  • “May your stomach rumble so badly you’ll think it was a Purim noisemaker.”
  • “May you never be alone in bed: you should always have bedbugs, lice and fleas.”
  • “I hope you swallow an umbrella and it opens up inside you.”
  • May you lose all your teeth, except for one – and that one should hurt!”

September 9, 2017

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