Every year come February, two big days appear in very close proximity -- Super Bowl Sunday and the Academy Awards. What’s a Jewish hostess supposed to do with two such important shindigs? Feeling frazzled? Farmisht?

Never fear, ever the party planner – yours truly has some unique ideas and tips for planning both these lively get-togethers.

A Jewish Super Bowl Sunday Party

  1. Invitations: Write, “Come watch the dangerous things some mothers let their sons grow up and do!”

  2. New Names: Tell everyone you’re tweaking the teams so they’re called by something more familiar. Instead of rooting for the Patriots, guests should cheer on our mighty “Patriarchs!” And they’re not the Falcons anymore; they’re now the “Farschtunkens.” (Can you tell which team this author hopes will win?)

  3. Before Kick-Off: At the beginning of the game they’ll proudly announce all the players and you proudly announce all the prayers.

  4. Food! Substitute rye krisps w/ chopped liver instead of chips w/ guacamole.

  5. Numerology: Have guests don digits on their backs just like the players, only your numbers will have richer meaning! (1, 4, 7, 10, 13, 18, 40, 613) If you’re confused by the significance of one of these, always consult the greatest interpreter of the rules . . . the Referee err the Rabbi.

  6. Head Coverings: Hand out Yarmulkes to all the men -- but you wouldn’t dare refer to them as Helmulkes on this day. Or would you?

  7. Advertisements: Everyone knows to watch these special commercials. Point out every product invented by an Israeli. And when you see the 30 seconds for Snickers and Pringles, shout, “Well at least that’s Kosher, but nu? Ever hear of chocolate coin gelt?”

  8. Enthusiasm: Teach your guests this clever little cheer -- “Pass, tackle, block-him, push! If that doesn’t work . . . knock-him on his tush!”

  9. Penalties: Every time the referee throws their yellow flag and the announcer shouts, “Bad Play!” and “Foul!” your guests toss a yellow napkin and shout “Oy Vey!” and “Fowl!” (Because you’re serving more chicken soup.)

  10. Injuries: If a player gets hurt on the field, count how many doctors you have in the house. Ditto for the number of lawyers just in case (G-d forbid) he’s unable to play ball again.

  11. Sportsmanship: If you’re displeased by the “enemy” team scoring, sound off you’re disapproval with noisy groggers. But if someone boos and shouts trash about YOUR team, chastise them about Lashon Hara.

  12. Temperature: While guests at other super bowl parties eat hotdogs asking, “Could you put some chili in here for me?” You ask, “Is it me or is it chilly in here? Put on a sweater already!”

  13. Halftime Entertainment: Either sing “Hava Negila” or play dreidel. If you watch Lady Gaga’s appearance and (it’s rumored!) she performs on top of the roof, casually exclaim, “We did it first in Fiddler.”

  14. The Important Question: Ask your guests: “Why is this Super Bowl different from all other Super Bowls?” Answer: We yell, “Mazel Tov!” at the winning team, our modest cheerleaders cover their knees and elbows and if on the field there’s a two-point Conversion, (provided it’s done correctly) we always say, “Welcome to our shul!”

A Jewish Oscars Party

  1. Invitations: Write, “So it’s not exactly the Jewish Film Festival, but I’ll be serving brisket!”

  2. Welcome Mat: Roll out a ruby colored rug leading to your front door, then cut it in half as people arrive. This is so guests witness the Parting of the Red…Carpet.

  3. Spielberg: Call attention to Steven’s blatant absence in any nominations this year (You’re on a first name basis after all!) and wonder aloud if Jews are being snubbed?

  4. Attire: Write your own Worst Dressed list as flashy women parade across the screen. Note anyone wearing “all that chazerai.”

  5. Opening Number: When the curtain opens with glitzy sets and hundreds of graceful, professional dancers – act unimpressed and mutter, “Yes but can they do a Hora or the Kazatsky to some good old Kletzmer music?”

  6. Making a Scene: If they show the clip from La La Land where the couple floats up to the ceiling, refer to #13 (from the above Super Bowl Party tips) and state, “Ceiling/Roof, it’s all the same. We did it first in our own musical.”

  7. Suspense: After they say, “And the winner is . . . “ pause your television and announce “Spanx. For best supportive girdle!” Continue eating the delicious lokshen kugel.

  8. Speeches: When the stars launch into their tedious acceptance spiels, turn down the volume and read your Bar Mitzvah boy’s speech -- far more interesting. And whose is longer??