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Jew Year’s Resolutions?

Jew Year’s Resolutions?

Them: “Spend more time with family.” Us: “Over 3500 years, we’ve pretty much mastered this one.”

by

It’s not our holiday or even our New Year’s. Of course the secular New Year is hard to ignore when 99 per cent of the world is staring at a ball, while screaming, blowing things, and singing Auld Lang Syne. The next day, after football and mega ham and cheese hoagies they face the dreaded task of making “resolutions.” Do they keep them? I have a Gentile friend who makes the same ones every year. She’ll lose 10 pounds, eat healthy, and get rid of her desk job. She’s a trooper, that is, until January 3rd where you’ll find her face-down in a chocolate layer cake under her cubicle. This, of course, is why she makes the same resolutions every year.

We Jews on the other hand are expected to practice our religion and beliefs daily, no excuses. Do we fall short at times? Of course, but much of our lives are spent trying to be good Jews, empathetic human beings, and give back to the world and those we love.

The usual secular resolutions may be fine for Gentiles, but for us? Given our unique point of view … we would ask “Do we need it?” Let’s look.

*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 1

“Spend More Time with Family & Friends.” Over half of the U.S. population resolve to spend more time with loved ones.

IS THIS A JEWYEAR’S RESOLUTION?

We Jews have spent 3,500 years nailing this one. If we’re not bringing our 40-year-old children brisket, we’re “checking in,” checking for moles, paying for them to “find” themselves, building a third floor so they and their children can move in, and maybe having them followed by a government agency with three initials. This is not an easy task, but We Jews are on the job when it comes to spending time with loved ones. In fact, if we spent any more time with them, they might decide to re-locate to Sri Lanka, or block us on Facebook.

HELPFUL JEWYEAR RESOLUTION: “This year, I’ll think about myself … for a change. (SIGH)”

*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 2

“Get fit.” For non-Jews, regular exercise is a good thing. Studies have shown it helps them live longer, lowers blood pressure, is good for their arthritis, makes them look better, and perks up their mood.

IS THIS A JEWYEAR’S RESOLUTION?

We need to be perky? We need bodies like Heidi Klum or “Arnold?” We’ve learned that only a yutz is perky and leaving himself wide open for (pooh pooh) a nasty treadmill accident. Our big skill is running. A floor that keeps shlepping us back could futz badly with our DNA. Now, we can finally stay in place. And we should keep moving?! Meshugge. Show me one Jewish kinder who chose the Jungle Gym instead of the swings? I, personally, exercised with jacks to increase my finger strength so I could hold a gezunta pastrami sandwich in half a hand. But more. According to research done at the Boca-Technion Institute, the MJM or Modern Jewish Metabolism works best when it’s not disturbed by jumping, twisting or climbing. Vertical makes us dizzy. I actually found a doctor on the Internet who agreed exercise is bad for you. (Trust me, it wasn’t easy.) But remember, We Jews are mostly a horizontal group that revs up lying down. For MOTS, a hammock is healthy and unless you move, chances are you won’t break anything vital when you fall off. I would, however, recommend you purchase a cheap stationary bike that goes nowhere, and enjoy the extra space upon which to hang your husband’s underwear.

HELPFUL JEWYEAR RESOLUTION: “This year, I’ll lie down more and maybe think about watching golf.”

*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 3

“Travel and enjoy life more.” Who doesn’t say, “Mildred, now that the children are 16, it’s time we took a trip. I was thinking we could rent an RV and drive to a Harmonica Museum in Tuscaloosa, or maybe something exotic like entering the BBQ contest on the Food Network?”

IS THIS A JEWYEAR’S RESOLUTION?

We Jews maintain a three point destination: Miami-New York-Jerusalem. In over three millennium we haven’t “traveled” enough? But instead of running “to” we’re usually running “from” – Czars, Nazi’s, and neighbors in sheets with eye holes and matches. A split-level in the suburbs, with a lawn, a gate, where traveling consists of walking to Shul and strolling back home is mechaya for MOTS who are contented not to shlep through borders – unless of course, we’re crossing into Miami or Mount Sinai (not the hospital).

HELPFUL JEWYEAR RESOLUTION: “This year, I’ll put more effort into ‘staying put.’”

*GENTILE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 4

“Quit stressing out. Take up a hobby.” How many Gentiles do you know suffer from chronic stress, hold it inside, put on a happy face, and have an intimate acquaintance with the three olive martini – until one day they burst and men with white coats come to collect them.

IS THIS A JEWYEAR’S RESOLUTION?

To We Jews, stress is our hobby. It’s also both a healthy preventive and fuel for action. Thanks to stress, we move to “get involved” by worrying about, then fixing our mates, kinder, and the vilda chaya next to us in the elevator at Bloomingdales. Stress is our Trigger of Love. According to the renowned Jewish Indian doctor, Duvid Deepakawitz, our tolerance for stress is biologically higher than any other creature found in nature. The more stress, the more we and our dearest feel we’re “on the job.” The Doctor also added that “even little stresses, say, your brisket is dry, your daughter is 15 minutes late, or your mechatunum wants your grandchild to be named ‘Loki’ after their dead Uncle Lichai is seen as not only a wonderful opportunity to ‘mix in’ but does, in fact, make an absorbing hobby.” What? A smart Jew needs to put a puzzle together showing Mt. Everest during a snow storm?

HELPFUL JEWYEAR RESOLUTION: “This year, I’ll look for ways to extend my loving stress and involvement to strangers in an effort to create world peace.”

So there we have it. While the rest of the world is resolving to jump, run and get nowhere, toodle around in an RV, and practice bulimia, We Jews are working on staying put, being OK with who we are, and extending the “who we are” as a gift to our neighbors and the peace process.

December 26, 2015

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Visitor Comments: 5

(3) Judy, December 30, 2015 5:17 AM

Fantastic essay!

marnie, December 30, 2015 9:49 PM

Thanks so much!

It's a pleasure to hear and gives me so much nakhes.

Shalom with love, Marnie

(2) Shoshana-Jerusalem, December 29, 2015 6:53 PM

loved it

This is So funny!

(1) Anonymous, December 29, 2015 4:22 PM

As always, excellent

Marnie,
Thanks for the wonderful article. in your inimitable style, a combination of humor and insight into the human condition,
Biz ah hundert und tzantzik, and most importantly...
Zay mir gezundt !!
Bill (Zev)



Anonymous, December 30, 2015 9:51 PM

What a sweet and generous comment!

Thank you so, Lev! So lovely, so gracious, so generous.

Shalom with love,

Marnie

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