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Jew Year’s Resolutions

Jew Year’s Resolutions

I won’t call the FBI if a loved one is 10 minutes late. 15 minutes, maybe.


While the secular world is reveling with the streamers and pointy hats We Jews are once again, ahead, having already moved into our New Year months ago.

I’ll be more supportive of my child’s choice of career.

To paraphrase my pal, Freddie Roman:

Those of you out here tonight of the Christian faith, you are lucky. Every year, December 25th is Christmas. Every year, exactly the same. You could make plans!

If the Jewish people don't have the Manischewitz Seven Year Calendar, we have no clue.

For example, our holiest day, is Yom Kippur…Well, a few years ago, Yom Kippur came out on October 27, which made Yom Kippur that year very late.

And there isn't a Jew in this room tonight that didn't say last year, 'You know, Hanukkah’s early.'

You see Jewish Holidays are either later or early. We are never on time."

Come the secular New Year, making resolutions is part of the frivolity. A Jewish life, while not filled with frivolity, is definitely filled with resolutions.

So what’s a Jew to do when, on January 2nd some nudnik wants to hear our secular list?

Do they want to hear:

  1. Be perfect?
  2. End hunger?
  3. Create world peace?
  4. Eradicate all dread diseases? (And of course)…
  5. Join a gym?

For these we pray. We have to. But when will they happen? Who knows.

Now as a practical people, We Jews, then, might make secular resolutions that are realistic, do-able, and have a shot.


Jew Year’s Resolution 1: “I won’t call the FBI if a loved one is 10 minutes late.”

This is do-able. We can, however, create a small police matter should they be 15 minutes late. True, not all lateness means they were hijacked on the Grand Central Parkway, but if so, you’ve checked and know that 15 minutes isn’t enough time to cross State lines. A few realistic local preventive measures are only good common sense.

Jew Year’s Resolution 2: “I’ll be more supportive of my child’s choice of career.”

He wants to be an actor-lyricist-waiter instead of a pharmacist? Fine. You’re there for him and will prove it by mortgaging your house to pay for his Jersey debut in his new musical: “Katz.” Meanwhile, alert the family that you may need help – getting him into pharmacy school.

Jew Year’s Resolution 3: “I will follow the experts and eat four meals a day.”

According to experts, it’s healthier to eat four small meals a day than three big ones. The more times we eat, the more stable our metabolism which should help us finally lose that “baby bloat” -- when we’re 40. However, when defining portion size they’re using “G-Weight” (Goyim weight) which is far different from “J-Weight” (Jew-weight). “They” deal in ounces. We deal in slivers (just a “taste,” usually a pound), morsels (food that you can take in a single bite, two pounds), and smidgens (enough for a small Bar Mitzvah). And remember, you’re counting portion size! A pound of shmaltz is equal to a pound of carrot strips. So, if you really want to be fit, eat what you want, just stick with the “slivers.”

Jew Year’s Resolution 4: “I will give less guilt when others fail to call me enough.”

Is it their fault they don’t call to reassure you? Of course not. They know where they are, and if God forbid, you have an emergency, they figure somebody would text them: “MERMHA” (Mom in ER, Maybe Having Heart Attack) so they need to call every day? Besides, hocking them doesn’t work. No. Instead of guilting, take responsibility. “Friend Them” on Facebook and IM “’R Y OK?” at least twice a day and make it public. If they “Unfriend" You – start your own page. Trust me, they’ll call.

Jew Year’s Resolution 5: “I will not cross-examine my loved ones’ romantic relationships.”

On a rare occasion maybe you’ve been a little confrontational; embarrassed a family member; saw your daughter run from you geshrei-ing? No more! Of course you must know if a loved one is dating: a) a Jew; b) a person of substance; c) a person at all, which is why they built Search Engines such as Google. Hunting is not only allowed, but cautionary. Should you find a reason to doubt, use the Search Engine, write in: “Rent-A-Yenta” and move into the year with clean hands and heart.

Jew Year’s Resolution 6: “I will change the way I occasionally constructively criticize.”

By now you’ve learned that, despite your superior wisdom on everything from choosing a mate, a career, child-raising, cleaning, running a business, or making a matzo ball, nobody listens; nobody cares. You can, however, teach by example. Your son’s wife can’t make a decent cup tea? Sanitize a floor to your satisfaction? Visit … with “leftovers” she can freeze, and cleaning supplies. You might leave notes with Smiley faces saying: “Just so our little grandson doesn’t, God forbid, get beri beri or Ebola. Love Mom.” See? Mission accomplished, without anyone misunderstanding that it comes from love.

So mamalas, there you have it. Six of my Jew Year’s resolutions. So Nu, what are yours? Share them in the comments section below!

December 29, 2012

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Visitor Comments: 12

(6) lynda lenza, January 4, 2013 5:18 PM

Marnie, once again, at her best!!

Marnie... My New Years resolution is to NEVER, EVER forget to read your hysterical articles.... you are an amazing talent bringing the best Jewish humor to your fans...every time i read your material, i seem to think it the funniest you've ever written..until the next time i read your articles..then i think the same thing again!! i guess that just means that you continue to outdo yourself each and every time you write your Jewish humor..never fails to make me laugh outloud! today..i REALLY needed the laughter...thanks for that!!!

marnie, the writer, January 9, 2013 11:16 PM

you made my day!

YOU are a doll. Your support is so appreciated!!! Shalom with love, Marnie

(5) Bettina, January 3, 2013 1:09 AM

Like we say in choich: AMEN

Marnie's cherce observations, matso ball soup for the common buttinsky had me laughing out loud. Hinting around if my son had anyone special in his life and he answered, putting the empty milk carton back in the fridge. Kinda. Do I know her, I tossed out casually, my finger poised on speed dial to the Hotel Bel Air to discuss the wedding reception. Yeah. Will Hunter. From Cub Scouts. You were his den mother. So much for speed dial. My finger moved to SOS Sadie, aka Marnie. Then I put the phone down, and in my best Sadie voice: when youre settled, I'll fly to China and bring home a baby. Your daughter, my granddaughter. What do you think of Ming for her name. Oh and I have to learn Cinese so I can understand her. And so it goes. Thanks, Marnie. Another lesson learned and laughed out loud.

marnie, the author, January 3, 2013 10:41 PM

YOU are a riot!

Oh ... and here's the number for the Chinese orphanage: 012 204 576 789&*5#000 - 0. I'm on the waiting list on behalf of my progeny. Love, M

(4) Nettie, January 3, 2013 12:15 AM

You did it again

Marnie tatallah, you have outdone yourself again. My annual traditional resolution is to be a better mensch. At my age I no longer worry about when a holiday comes. I check the Jewish calendar for the holiday dates just like I do for the candle lighting on Friday. A wonderful New year to you and your. I look forward to more of your awesome articles.

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