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Jewish Paraprosdokians 2

Jewish Paraprosdokians 2

40 more paraprosdokians for the articulate Jew.

by

Para – what?” Is this even a word? More, is it only pronounceable in Cyrillic?

While the word’s been around since the late 20th century, if you missed it in Grammar 101, we all did. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the first part of a phrase or sentence seems normal, even complimentary, while the second, or last part, does a 180 on the first.

Here’s an example from humor writer and friend Shmuel Breban:

“There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs… my favorite is Nestle.”

The greats, from history to show business, have been using “paras” for years. Here are a few more corkers:

“A modest man … who has much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill (of Clement Attlee)

"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes … and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx

"On his feet he wore ... blisters." —Aristotle

And of course, Don Rickles has made a nice living “paraprosdokian-izing,” right you “hockey pucks?!”

But We Jews, with our gift for humor and ingenious curses that lull the victim into a false sense of security, then prophesize the hideous consequences (“You should have nine children – and not ONE will friend you on Facebook”) have been doing this for centuries.

In part one, I gave you 50. Here are 40 MORE Paraprosdokians for the Articulate Jew:

1- “You’re such an expert at catching more flies with honey than vinegar … but look around mamala, you’re surrounded by flies!”

2- “Darling, you look so gorgeous in that dress … it takes off 30 pounds.”

3- “Is this a perfect match? Such a fastidious couple … he's fast and she’s tedious.”

4- “Ai! What a voice! I can only imagine how you’d sound without the adenoids.”

5- “Such luxurious lips! The last time I saw a mouth like yours ... there was a fish hook in it.”

6- “You deserve to be remembered … I’m naming my first ulcer after you.”
 

7- “A beautiful outfit! Pssst -- there’s a new invention maybe you’ve heard of: Spanx?”

8- “A luscious spread you made … much better than your usual ‘mediocre.’”

9- “You’re so lucky you’ve got a brain … so you don’t need to worry about men noticing you for your looks.”

10- "Darling, I admire you giving your assets to your husband. But … if you give a loaded gun to a chimp and it shoots somebody, you don't blame the chimp."

11- “The food? Delicious! Only the portions are so small, the mice are hunchbacks."

12- “Darling, when it comes to love, age doesn’t matter … even thought he's so old he still owes Moses 100 shekels.”

13- “Thank God you found a bashert. I sent your photo to www. Lonely-hearts.com and they sent it back and said ‘we’re not that lonely!’”

14- “That toupee looks so real. Only maybe next time, you’ll buy one with a brain in it.”

15- “Listen mamala, so he’s a little feminine. Big deal. In a few months it wouldn’t matter anyway. Nice curtains can last a life time.”

16- “Darling, it’s better that most people take an instant dislike to you. It saves time.”

17- “Sweetheart, walk in front of me … better than behind my back.”

18- “Zelda, you look stunning! That dress didn’t fit you nearly as well at Tante Sheyna, or Cousin Chaya’s wedding!”

19- “Mamala, don’t lose hope. If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, we can make something out of you.”

20- “Ok, Adele, so you made another mistake. Listen, you're only young once. But darling, trust me, it’s time for a new excuse.”

21- “That figure! That hair! You must be so confident in your inner beauty.”

22- “You’re so dependable, mamala … just like Ex-Lax.”

“I’d love to say it was a pleasure to be here…oy, would I love to say that.”

23- “The décor in your new house? So creative what you can find at the Salvation Army.”

24- “I’m so proud you admitted that fault! Now you have one less to admit!”

25- “Of course you’re special! Sometimes I need what only you can provide … your absence.”

26- “You look lovely … but to tell the truth, you look better on your driver’s license.”

27- “Morton, it wasn’t your fault your father was a poor man. It was fate. But if your father-in-law is a poor man … you’re a shmegegge.”

28- “Finally, you’re old enough to know your way around … too bad with the arthritis and the catheter, you're not going anywhere.”

29- “Thank God you hear voices and see invisible people … at least they have better ideas than you do.”

30- “You did some job with those flowers! This is the first affair I’ve been to where no one’s on the floor fighting for the centerpiece.”

31- “You, are one useful person, mamala. We can use you as a bad example.”

32- “Darling, you look … lovely. That’s such a flattering shade of nail polish!”

33- “Mamala, we took from our IRA to buy you Barbie and all her friends. So tell me, why is she more popular than you?”

34- “ Such a nice suit, now if you could get the shmutz off your tie ... I could almost be proud of you.”

35- “He comes from some yichus! If only there was a lifeguard in that gene pool.”
 

36- “I know your Myron has a photographic memory … but would it hurt if he put in a little film?”

37- “Those wine stains on the tablecloth prove your affair was a success – if this were an Italian wedding.”

38- “Sweetie, the last thing I want to do is hurt you … but it's still on my list.”

39- “I’d love to say it was a pleasure to be here …… oy, would I love to say that.”

40- “When I go to Israel, for you … I’ll have a tree uprooted in your honor.”

Published: April 6, 2013


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Visitor Comments: 4

(4) Richard, April 25, 2013 2:57 AM

Yes, but...

They really AREN"T funny...they're crude and insulting. Anyone who would really talk like that would find themselves ostracized...quickly.

(3) Reuven Frank, April 24, 2013 5:21 AM

Yes, but...

41 - My dear, you look as though you've fallen from heaven; and landed on your face.
That's on the one hand.
On the other hand, Words are powerful. We need to be EXTREMELY careful of other's sensitivity, lacks, and faults.
Remember, if you feel you are carrying a heavy load -- so is everyone else.
I'm as much for fun and games and laughs as the next guy. I've even done some standup comedy. I STILL try to be careful, though. For instance, I make jokes about "Ultra" Jews, bus-drivers, and myself. BUT, I leave my ex-wife out of it. As one of the Aish Rabbis ends his videos: "It is surely,...something to think about!"

(2) Anonymous, April 10, 2013 9:42 AM

PT. No. 29

PRECISELY.

(1) Anonymous, April 8, 2013 9:26 PM

Super

Very clever and funny too.

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