In Israel, from Sukkot to Pesach is rain season. Every year we pray for rain during this half a year period, and when it comes we have no idea what to do. Nobody is ready for it. It is always a shock. I have never met people who have such little faith in their own prayers. And I am one of them. Please allow me to elaborate below.

NOBODY IN ISRAEL OWNS A COAT

Garbage Bags

People of Israel: garbage bags are not rain gear.

People of Israel: garbage bags are not rain gear. Allow me to dispel this myth. Though they are waterproof, they are not meant for humans to be strutting the streets with on Shabbat. It is not classy, covering your finely tailored Brooks Brothers suit. The brilliant fabric doesn’t have the same affect when it looks like you are coming out of a dustbin.

Tragically, some people use supermarket bags, but those don’t even cover the shoulders. Last year I even caught one guy using a suit bag. He did have a small neck and the hanger hole worked for him.

The Plastic Bag Phenomenon

Nobody has boots. The general Israeli public wears Converse All Star’s in the rain and a plastic bag. Most people forget to carry rubber bands on them, which makes this contraption almost as useless as the socks my aunt knitted for me last Chanukah, which keep falling down. This contraption could easily be substituted with a $3 pair of plastic shoe covers.

The black hats of Jerusalem must also be covered. Again, supermarket bags are used. To misquote my friend Rami Dagan’s stand-up routine, “You see Charedim walking around with, beautiful robes, fine leather shoes and a supermarket bag from Rami Levy on their head.’

Gatchkes

When plastic bags don’t work, we work from under the clothes. Thermal undergarments are the first level of protection. Then the legs get covered with sweatpants, jeans, slacks, skirts, corduroys and other items of clothes we can find that also soak up water.

Umbrellas

Umbrellas in Israel don’t work in the rain. Umbrellas only work in the sun. Warning for Israelis: only use your umbrella when it is nice outside. Taking your umbrella out in the rain kills it. That is why every trash can is full of umbrellas. The idiots pull them out when it is raining outside.

SAFETY FIRST

Jerusalem Stone

They made all the sidewalks out of Jerusalem stone, so that when it is raining, you can slip and kill yourself. It is almost as slippery as the stone is in the heat. This along with the uneven stairs down to the Kotel, in the Old City, ensures that nobody will be safe walking Jerusalem.

Watch out for Umbrellas

People in Israel do not fully value life. I know this because of the way that everybody holds their umbrellas at eye level. Long story short, I now wear an eye patch.

Sidewalks Are Within Street Distance

Sidewalks are built around a meter wide, right next to the streets, so that cars can easily hit people with water.

It is impossible to walk in Israel during rain season and not get hit by a bus tsunami. Even real raincoats are not meant to stop a bus traveling at 40mph on a side street with no drainage.

WE STILL COMPLAIN ABOUT WATER SHORTAGE BUT I DON’T

With all the rain and new water due to desalinization…

Kineret Still Gets Lower Every Year

The Sea of the Galilee never seems to catch the rain. As every news program has been reporting for the last few centuries, it has been losing a meter every year for the past 250 years. Even so, it is still there and you can see the sea. This is a miracle. The only people who this may affect are the businesses of the boardwalk, which are now the Tiberias city center.

Dead Sea Experience

Each year all of Jerusalem’s water heads down to the Dead Sea. That is why they build the road right there, ready to receive flashfloods.

For those interested, this is how the Dead Sea became one of the top tourist destinations during Israel’s winter. People were heading down to Eilat, but they got stuck. As the roads were not safe, they ended up stranded at the Dead Sea and a hotel industry flourished.

I Pray For Rain

I love the rain and pray for it. But I’ve been thinking, instead of praying for rain this year, I am going to pray for ponchos. I am going to pray for umbrellas that work in the rain. For sewers that catch water. For sidewalks that are built far enough back from the road so that I won’t hate bus drivers anymore. This way my brethren in Israel will genuinely appreciate the rain.

Why do we not pray for snow in Israel? We will deal with that another time, along with how farm tractors should not be used as snowplows.