My Challenge to Israeli Scientists
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My Challenge to Israeli Scientists

My Challenge to Israeli Scientists

Sure Israeli scientists have invented some amazing technologies, but how much better off would we be with these?

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Surrounded by enemies, constantly under threat and with no natural resources, Israel has beaten the odds to become a major player in the global business world, especially in the technology sector. With the highest number of startups per capita of any nation in the world and massive venture capital investment, Israel has become today one of the world's entrepreneurship hubs. 

As just one recent example of Israel’s leadership in high-tech and innovation, Israeli technology has succeeded in turning tumors into ice balls to cure cancer: http://bit.ly/VJRqjh.

How about the iYarmulke?

This is all well and good. Yet there remains countless creative and innovative inventions Israeli scientists and entrepreneurs are not working on these days. Perhaps this is because they’re not yet aware of these ideas for inventions. Why? Because they’re my ideas and have never before been shared with anyone outside my family, with the exception of an elderly man named Herman at a bar in Santa Monica during Happy Hour, after I’d had one too many pineapple margaritas. But I digress.

Here, then, is my challenge to the scientists of Israel. Take the following six ideas for innovative, cutting-edge inventions and bring them to life. The world may be the better for it. At the very least, I’ll have something with which to impress the bar clientele during Happy Hour.

Jewish Holiday Workout Dining Chairs

Who doesn’t love Jewish holidays, especially Jewish holiday food. But let’s face it, the stuff is fattening and if you overdo it, your belly could end up approaching the dimensions of Noah’s Ark. These worries, however, could well be a thing of the past if you use the Jewish Holiday Workout Dining Chairs. These are a hybrid system—half chair/half exercycle. So that while you’re at the table, scarfing down that luscious third slice of noodle kugle, your legs are furiously pumping the chair/bike’s pedals below, working off those calories. It’s a holiday celebration and an exercise session all in one, you Hebraic multi-tasker, you! L’chaim! Go for the burn!

iYarmulke

How’d you like to have all the features of your smart phone built into your yarmulke? Meshugenah you say? Nonsense. If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we make you an iYarmulke? No longer feel deprived for missing your favorite sports feature, news special, or Food Network show just because you’re visiting Bubbe. Bubbie’s new friend Mrs. Rosengarten droning on? Tune her out as you listen to your favorite music or recorded podcast beaming into your head through the magic of your iYarmulke. And for women – the iHat. Just be careful not to start singing along to that Celine Dion song in the middle of the Sunday night dinner at Bubbie’s. Mrs. Rosengarten hates Celine Dion.

Jewish Sports Equipment

Can’t Jewish athletes simply continue using the regular sports equipment they have for decades? Of course they can. But think how much more fun it would be for them to use the Circumcised Football—with the tips cut off at each end. Criticizing Golf Clubs that automatically give you a critique after each play, suggesting how to improve. Yiddish Baseball Bat that, each time it connects with the ball, lets out a hearty “Naches!”or “Kine Ahora!” An Educational Soccer Ball featuring the images and brief bios of famous Jewish scholars. A boxing ring silk-screened with the design of the Western Wall. Musical boxing gloves that play your choice of klezmer, Israeli folk songs, or the soundtrack to “Yentl.”

Hebrew School in Capsule Form

Okay, we all acknowledge the value of Hebrew school, but sometimes, due to forces outside of your control of course, you just can’t make it. The obvious solution – Hebrew School in pill format! All the benefits of a good Jewish education – in a fraction of the time. Your choice of capsule or fruit-flavored tablets. And obviously, there would no longer be any need for worrying about missing Hebrew school if you’re sick. Just pop that Hebrew pill with your orange juice and it’s almost like you’re right there in the room listening to the teacher enlighten you about Jewish ethics and morality. Only you’re home, in your pajamas and bunny slippers. Don’t you just love science?

Jewsprin

The concept of Jewish aspirin is so simple, so natural, so obvious, that I was stunned to find it hadn’t been invented before. Oh, sure, aspirin is all well and good for your typical headaches. But what do you take if your son informs you he’s leaving rabbinical school to enroll in Ringling Brothers Clown College? Where will you find relief when you discover that the sauce you accidentally put on your chicken was dairy? Jewsprin, of course. Specially formulated for the Jewish headache.

Encouraging Escalator

If we’re going to be spending time going up and down escalators, why not make it a multi-tasking experience and hear some encouraging or inspiring phrases along with way? It surely couldn’t be too difficult to create an elevator with motion-activated speakers so that while going up or down you’d hear the likes of: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Or, “Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” Or, for the Jewish child, “Stand up straight and eat with an appetite. What’s the matter with you!?”

Published: January 12, 2013


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Visitor Comments: 4

(3) R. Halevy, January 16, 2013 4:49 PM

And what about the...

...non-falling yarmulke for baldheads? I myself would greatly benefit from its use. Normal ones have those lousy metal clips, but what if you have nothing to clip on?? Vacuum system? Glue? Magnetic field?

(2) melanie, January 15, 2013 1:46 AM

Mark Miller is a great invention

for mood elevation!

(1) Mark's Fan, January 14, 2013 8:18 PM

Circumcised Footballs

You scored a touchdown with this one, I fell out of my stadium seat laughing when I got to the circumcised football. My Bubbie would have said, "Ma'k, you a veddy cleveh boyy".

Mark, January 17, 2013 4:13 AM

Thanks, CF

I'm seriously considering hiring you as my publicist.

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