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New Plagues for Passover

New Plagues for Passover

Some new plagues to relive the Exodus experience.

by

For thousands of years, during the Seder Jews recite the Ten Plagues that God inflicted upon Egypt to persuade the Pharaoh to release the Israelites from slavery. We’re supposed to “relive” the Exodus at the Seder, but when it comes to the plagues it’s a little hard, no? Frogs? Lice? Bloody water?

How about a few new plagues to get you in the mood.

Let’s look.

NEW PLAGUE: SAYING ABSOLUTLY NOTHING IN 500 TRENDY CATCHPHRASES OR LESS.

Example: “Let’s make America great again with more transparency and less fake news.” This in answer to, “Can I pay my doctor for my liver transplant?” Other examples of the genius of saying nothing include:

  • “There’s a lot to unpack here.” Meaning: “They’re wrong, you’re wrong, everything and everyone – wrong.”

  • A particular favorite? This is a “nothingburger.” Meaning: Russia, North Korea, tax reform, racism, healthcare? What are you talking? Nothing. How meat got mashed up in this, is a mystery, however, We Jews, of course can adapt it to a “BupkesBurger,” which while alliterative, would be extremely unfair to the burger. But then it’s all about the “optics.”

NEW PLAGUE: NEVER SATISFIED

Example: “Orange is the new black,” “Pink is the new purple,” “Black is the new pink,” “50 is the new 30,” “80 is the new 40,” etc. Such futzing with nature is to me, un-Jewish. Worse, it proves my point that thanks to Internet slang, Millennials have trouble coming up with an original thought over five letters or words. One glorious exception is: “40 is the new 12.” When we Boomers were young, we wanted world peace and to get out of the house. Today, our adult children want world peace – and to move back in – with us (so they can leave medicine and explore miming).

NEW PLAGUE: NIT-TWITS

Example: “Oo, Bella, let’s ‘twit’ to see if we’re at war with Canada.” True, we’ve now replaced the complex art of talking with “tweeting.” Billions are announcing, pronouncing, and denouncing using this platform, which is the greatest boon to editing since White-Out. Dang it, people! At my advancing age, I still prefer news from high level officials to come from “We interrupt this show for a breaking story” followed by the VIP, then an hour of Walter Kronkite telling us what the VIP said, to #nuclearcodeholder@warfromhellupdate: We may bomb Toronto if Trudeau’s talking points don’t resonate with our narrative. Pass it along.

NEW PLAGUE: SELFISH SELFIES

Example1: 20 million humans shooting pix of themselves in mirrors on an ab roller while flashing a steroid-plumped bicep.

Example 2: Shooting you having lunch.

Example 3: Shooting you shooting you. These egoist yawners are spamming our laptops, and turning the ether into a gigantic middle school autograph book. Much better to take “Elsies”! Shooting something – "else!" Pictures you take of other people and things; a lovely Jewish girl, an attractive group of medical school graduates, your mother – pictures of more than your hairline.

NEW PLAGUE: MEDIA MACHERISM

Example: Suddenly, pontificating cable anchors are fodder for E-Entertainment. Big shots are now being reported on by bloviating news big shots whose star has risen on the wings of chaos. They’re writing books, pandering to their guests, and do “routines” with each other as they hack away at everything from world peace to a new hair growth on yet another politico on the wrong side of their aisle. Fake news, new news, old news, biased news. Editing! Hire an editor (who hasn’t been fired yet) who knows the difference between “big” and “little”: fact and feature. Either that or send them to a barn where they can build a playhouse. Yes. Sean can paint … Brian can make the stage … Anderson can sell the tickets … and Rachel can give us the little-known but critical history of the bloated anchor in Somalia who exploded in 1948.

NEW PLAGUE: YOUTHENIZATION YUTZES

Example: The spate of infomercials, YouTubes, and pop-up ads for miracle creams that: “attach to our DNA” (or something) and dial us back to pre-wrinkles, sags, skin tags, and under eye bags. Personally, I have my Google set on SCAM despite the C-List models’ breakthrough videos. Worse, the online vipers with MDs from fifth world countries who get us with faux ads. Title sample: “Meryl Streep Goes Beserk!” One click and you’re on Dr. Feelbadovian’s site. He’s talking about the danger of facial fungus and aging. Once he starts you will be harangued for 30 minutes of the hard “Facts” of facial fungus. If you try to leave the site The Net-“God” punishes you. There IS no exit. Your computer will freeze and spit stuff on you. Millions of good people are being spat at. Time to spit back – and make another flood.

NEW PLAGUE: BODY ALTERING ADVERTISING OR “BAA”

Example: Tattoo obsessives. Of course We Jews don’t and can’t, which is a blessing. Almost everyone else has become a walking Billboard. No body part is immune from being sullied; hips, shoulders, heels, necks, stomachs and places we can’t mention in a high-toned publication like this one. From art, to feelings, to flavor of the month bffs, to “original” spiritual sayings such as “You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow,” using body parts to advertise is both lazy and abusive to a perfectly fine limb that never did you any harm. But the hopeful news is God will get you for that. At 25, a tattoo on your chest of the Bengal tiger you wish you were will be gnawing your knees when you’re 65.

Have a favorite new plague? By all means, share!

Chag kasher vesame’ach,
Marnie

March 24, 2018

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