Plans are in effect to move the American embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem in May. The recent AIPAC convention strongly supported this move and for good reason. Israel’s capital has been a home away from home for Americans for many years. I have been living in Jerusalem for well over a decade and over the years I have witnessed more and more of America moving to Jerusalem. In light of this fact, here are some American things that have already relocated to Jerusalem:

Kirkland products have made it to Jerusalem. Finally, we have food in bulk!

Everything Comes Down To Food

Fast Food

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, Burger King have all made it to Jerusalem and every other city in the world. Now, Jerusalem hosts more burger places than falafel shops. Mazal tov.

Snacks

M&Ms, Snickers, Doritos, Cheetos, Coke and diabetes are now ubiquitous in Jerusalem too. Some stores even carry cheese puffs right next to the Bamba. I guess they have been shipping in cheese puffs to help with the Israeli cheese allergy.

Costco

Kirkland products have made it to Jerusalem. Finally, we have food in bulk. Unfortunately, storage space has not made it to Jerusalem yet. More good news: food with no expiration has also caught on here.

Walmart

I have heard conversations of people debating the opening a Walmart. The political statement of moving a Walmart to Jerusalem would be too much of an American show of solidarity for the capital of Israel. It will never happen. As consolation, we must be happy with the moving of the embassy. Nonetheless, the brick facade of any Walmart would fit perfectly in Jerusalem. Reminiscent of our holy places. After all, people in Jerusalem are always praying for lower prices.

Marshmallow Fluff

Wherever there is the possibility for a fluffernutter, that is America. That is an embassy right there.

Fluff was my first ever interaction with American solidarity for Israel. I was shopping at Cheaper Kol, a Jerusalem supermarket, and I saw a jar of marshmallow fluff. Just like in the US, no company was on the plastic container of the sticky stuff. I purchased it, ate it, and was not able to clean the fluff off my spoon.

People Represent Their Culture

English Spoken However You Want

People of Jerusalem speak English and it is extremely “not correct”. This week, my Israeli friend told me, “I is very happy.” I felt like I was right back in America. Tel Aviv has too many people who speak a perfect English. Nobody there makes up their own grammatical rules.

Service Oriented Society

People in Jerusalem have started using pleasantries. A waiter smiled at me the other day and said “Hello. How may I help you?” He even looked at me and thanked me for coming. People now say “Thank you” and “You’re welcome,” even when they are angry at you. I was recently cursed out with a “Have a good day, Sir.” It was almost as traumatic as the time I was in Marshall’s and the irate cashier said, “Excuse me Ma’am.”

Yeshiva & Gap Year Students

They are in Jerusalem and they don’t speak any Hebrew. This is a very American relocation of teenagers whose parents spend over $20,000 a year on them, for over 12 years, to go to a school to learn Hebrew.

Israelis

Jerusalem is full of these people. Almost as many of them here as in Los Angeles.

Americans

Reminiscent of Florida. Americans are buying homes and they don’t live in them. This is why I can’t afford a place.

American Immigrants

Jerusalem is full of Americans that got fired.

Activities

Athletes

America’s number one export to Israel is basketball players that can’t make the NBA. Or basketball players that could make the NBA twenty years ago. Check out Hapoel Jerusalem’s roster. There are four Israelis on the team, because that is the law. Two of them are coaches.

Mini Golf

Mini golf made it to Jerusalem, along with other sports for people who are not good enough to play the real thing, such as flag football.

Community Theater

In Jerusalem too, you have to go to see your friends act, instead of seeing a good show on Broadway.

When I went to see Beauty & The Beast in Jerusalem, it was the same surprise as in America. When the mask came off, the guy under the mask was my buddy. Bentzi. I knew him.

Kiddush Clubs

Many congregants at some of the shuls in Jerusalem have adopted the American custom of leaving in the middle of services for a L’Chaim. This custom did not take long to catch on.

American Football

In Jerusalem’s Kraft stadium the yeshiva kids play flag football. In case you were wondering, yes their mothers are worried.

CrossFit

American diplomats of exercise have relocated to Jerusalem, pushing their American group exercise cult on everybody. Just like in America, more than half of the people who pay the gym membership don’t show up.

Israelis Selling Stuff

I bought some Ahava and other Dead Sea products at a store in Jerusalem, from an Israeli. Just like at the American mall, the Israeli who sold me the hand cream harassed me here too.

American Things that Have Not Made It

The one thing that hasn’t made it to Jerusalem yet is lower prices. We have the American products in Jerusalem, but US prices – not so much. I am spending three times the amount for the marshmallow fluff, Snickers, hamburgers, movies, CrossFit, Ahava products, and wasting money watching flag football. The only thing that has not made it to Jerusalem is decent prices. Perhaps AIPAC can work on that next.