Their deep voices scare me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than the natural voice a human allows. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs. I’m

The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) protect the citizens of the State of Israel. As a resident of the State of Israel, I would like to come clean and admit that I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help protect the Jewish people anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people.

I love Israeli soldiers. As we say in Israel, “All of the honor to them.” Thank you. I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. So I tried to do guard duty, but that ended in disaster. Here are the many reasons why the Israeli army didn’t want me and for the good of the country, why I didn’t join the IDF.

I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty

I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back. It would be the same as watching your heavy set uncle trying to play basketball.

I am Out of Shape

If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. Anything else, not so much.

I wouldn’t even fit into the uniforms. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves. Those guys are not scaring anybody.

After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is when I stop. I have a heart that I have to look out for.

Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old

I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my 8 year old niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander.

Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People

I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with.

Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts

I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice.

It is the Israeli Defense Forces

You have to be able to defend yourself. I took up Krav Maga and I pulled my groin.

I Would Be a Lone Soldier

My parents don’t live in Israel. I am already lonely enough as it is. I don’t need to be reminded daily and branded as somebody who is alone.

Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service

I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints – I would go right to military jail. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not be able to resist.

I am American Born of Very European White Tint

Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin it turns fluorescent red reflector vest color.

I am American

You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started.

I Don’t Smoke

The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running at the same time.

Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign.

I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years

I have never held down a job for more than eight months. Ask any of my bosses, if I wasn’t able to take care of my “mandatory service” back then (i.e. my job) I fear that my problem will only have gotten worse.

I Studied Social Work

I can talk with a terrorist about their daddy issues. After that I am not much help.

I Get Scared When Israelis Talk

Their deep voices scare me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than the natural voice a human allows. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs. I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of just talking to the Israelis on my side than the people I would be going to war with.

My Hebrew is Bad

Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, “Good morning,” and I would be getting down and giving them twenty.

Guard Duty is Very Hard

I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. Yes 500 hundred grams is the size of the bag you are required to finish on one shift.

Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea

Many years ago I was learning to be a rabbi. We had to take turns doing guard duty and holding the gun. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants.

During gun training, I learned how to tell when gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people. I pretty much knew how to do that already.

We each shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. I know those weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target.

If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living.

There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not join the IDF. It’s true, by serving in the IDF you have the honor of protecting the Jewish people and keeping them safe, but I am certain that Israel is a much safer place without me serving. You are welcome. All of the honor to me.