_(english).jpg "Taking the Spiritual Dive")
_(english).jpg "Genetic Screening for Breast Cancer Genes")
_(english).jpg "When Bad Things Happen")
_(english).jpg "Judaism and the 12-Step Program")
+.jpg "Knowledge and Wisdom")
+.jpg "Moshe, Miriam and Prophecy")
+.jpg "Don't Give Up")
In Part One, I selected the funniest Jewish jokes I’ve heard, written, collected, and used in over 20 years of writing Jewish humor, along with a brief analysis of each.
Some you may know, others may be new, but all are: a) quintessentially Jewish; b) literally put me into hysterics – and still do; and c) are classics (or should be).
No such thing as Jewish humor?!
I challenge anyone who would dare say there’s “no such thing as ‘Jewish’ humor!” One comic I interviewed who became a star during his salad days doing Jewish “shtick” recently swore there was no difference between Red Skelton and Sid Caesar! Is he meshugge? What next? Jackie Mason and Ricky Gervais separated at birth?
So for you, dear readers, I bring you my absolute faves. Like that girl with the curl, when a Jewish joke is good it’s very very good and showcases our unique Jewish spirit, wit, and yes, often sarcastic brand of humor.
The Wish
Tim and Lyle, walking down Main Street with Moshe, their boss, spied an oil lamp. With a rub, out popped a genie.
“You get one wish a piece,” said the genie.
Lyle shouted. “I want to be on a yacht in Bermuda!” Poof. He disappeared.
Tim exclaimed: “Make mine Hawaii --with beauty queens!” Poof, he disappeared.
Moshe, the boss, looked around and calmly said. “For my wish ... I want those schnooks back in my office right after lunch!"
And so we have the difference between “them” and “us.” The two non-Jewish workers believed. The Jewish boss, like We Jews, was not only skeptical (a miracle not in a desert?) but delivered a delicious punch line differentiating “them” and “us.”
And while we’re on the subject …
Jews Please Leave
Avram went into Church, took out his tallis, yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. The clergyman entered to start services: "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued davening."
Again the clergyman said, "Will all non-Christians please leave."
And again, Avram prayed.
Finally, the distraught clergyman moved to Avram. "Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this, Avram removed his yarmulke, packed up his tallis, then went to the altar, picked up a statue of Jesus and said, "Come bubbela they don't want us here anymore."
Our ultimate joke about Jesus as a Jew. Could there be a better “them” and “us?” Some 50 years ago we Jews were often accused of Christ’s death until the Pope absolved us in the 1950s. Could there be a funnier or sharper way to respond?
Frum & More Frum
A distinguished orthodox rabbi arrived in heaven and was greeted by an angel.
“Rabbi, we’ve prepared a special feast in your honor, with the best meats, fish and cakes.”
“Who may I ask, prepared the meat?” asked the Rabbi.
“Our finest chef, Elijah Manoshevksy.”
”And who is the Mashgiach?”
“Why, God himself,” replied the angel.
“Thanks very much,” said the Rabbi, “but I’ll just stick with the fish.”
We Jews have been known to be determined and independent when it comes to beliefs, traditions, and making sure everything is “kosher.” What can we say – we take our kosher food seriously. There’s nothing non kosher about that.
Eye Chart & More
When Izydor Epstein from Poland applied for an American driver's license he was asked to read the eye chart. The clerk pointed to the first line with the letters “P O W Z Y N S K E Y.”
“Now sir,” said the clerk. "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replied Izydor, "the man used to be my next-door neighbor!”
Simple, yet funny, in a few lines, we’ve told the world about our complex roots. And while it’s possible his neighbor (God forbid) is now calling himself “Polson” it reminds us of where we’ve been.
Is It My Business?
Mendel was on a ship emigrating from Russia to America. The second day, a huge storm erupted. People screamed and chairs went flying. Yet Mendel calmly read his book.
“Mendel!” yelled a fellow passenger. “How can you sit there when the ship may be sinking?!”
“What’s to get excited?” answered Mendel. “The ship belongs to me?”
Another joke only We Jews would understand, after years of the Diaspora, caring for ourselves in the face of prejudice, we’ve learned, like the saying: “Is it good for the Jews?” Or me?
Jewish Parents
Sheld’n visited mama and papa. He said: “Finally, I’ve found my bashert. Just for fun, I'm going to bring over three women and you guess which is “the one.” Mama and Papa agreed.
The next day he brought three beautiful women who sat on the sofa and chatted with Mama and Papa over a little cake. After they left, he challenged, "Okay, Guess which one I'm going to marry?"
“The one in the middle with the red hair,” his parents replied instantly.
"Right! But ... how did you know?" asked Sheld’n, amazed.
Mama said, "Simple. Her, we don't like."
I’ve had controversial reactions on this one from at least one rebbetzin I know. Is it anti-feminist? Oh yeah. Is it funny? Oh yeah. I admit it works the stereotype of Jewish parents and children, but to my thinking, humor has few boundaries … and this, to me, this is still funny.
A Classic: Strictly Jewish!
During one service in a wealthy synagogue, the rabbi got carried away. Falling on hands
and knees, forehead to floor, he said, "Oh God, before thee I am nothing.”
The Cantor, not to be outdone, also got down, forehead to wood and said, "Oh God,
before thee I am nothing."
Seeing this, Levy, a tailor in the fourth row, left his seat, fell to his knees, forehead to floor and he too, said "Oh God, before thee I am nothing.”
With this, the Cantor elbowed the rabbi and sniffed: "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
We Jews have been known to make fun of our special “types.” This joke makes fun of “alrightniks,” and is a classic.
By all means if you have a favorite, post and share!
_(english).jpg "Goyish Vs. Jewish, Part 3")
_(english).jpg "Goyish Vs. Jewish, Part 2")
(11) Donaqld Minkoff, August 10, 2012 1:57 AM
Rav Schneerson as engineer supreme.
Isreali test pilot working on new design jet is frustrated. He gets up to Mach 2 and the wings shear at the fusilage. Nothing the engineers recommend seems to fix the problem. He rembers that Rav Schneerson has an engineering degree from the University of Paris (true!), The poilot calls Brooklyn and speaks to the Great Rav. Schneerson tells him: Take a drill and where the wings meet the fusilage drill holes all around the junction of the wings. Sounds illogical, but I promise it will work! Pilot takes his jet up and boosts the speed: Mach 1, ok. Mach 2,Ok. Mach3, Ok. Mach 4, Ok Mach 5, Ok. He won't push his luck. He lands the jet and calls Rav Schneerson. Rav, hod did you know? It defies all reason! Rav answers: I'm 85. I've conducted Pesach seders for 65 yeras. not ONCE in all those years did I ever see a piece of matzoh break along the holes!
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, August 11, 2012 6:04 PM
Great one ... have used something like it.
Are you THE MINKOFF -- PREMIER JOKE TELLER/COLLECTOR? SHALOM WITH LOVE, MARNIE
(10) Shlomo Zalman Beauchamp, August 8, 2012 7:24 PM
The Pope & The Beggars...
One Sunny Day In Rome, The Pope Decided To Go For A Stroll Through The Streets Of Rome. While He Was Walking He Spotted Two Beggars Sitting On Opposite Cornes Of The Street, One Held A Sign Asking For Alms With A Picture Of A Cross. The Other Beggar Held A Sign Asking For Alms But, With A Star Of David. The Pope Watched As Person After Person Kept Placing Money In The Beggar's Pot With The Cross & Ignoring The Beggar With The Star Of David. The Pope Walked Over To The Beggar With The Star Of David & Said To Him "Dear Jew, This Is Rome, The Holy Christian City. Don't You Know That With Your Star Of David, No One Will Give You Money, In Fact Just Out Of Spite They Will Give The Beggar With The Cross Even More Money, Most Likely Even More Than Twice As Much!" The Beggar With The Star Of David Looked Accross To The Beggar On The Other Corner & Called Out To Him "Moshe! Look Who's Trying To Tell The Goldstein Brothers About Marketing."
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, August 9, 2012 8:39 PM
LOVE IT ... AND USED IT LOL
HI SHLOMO ... DO KEEP CHALLENGING ME! I LOVE IT WHEN MY READERS/FRIENDS KEEP SENDING ME JOKES TO SEE IF I'VE HEARD THEM. PROMISE TO BE HONEST! :) SHALOM WITH LOVE, MARNIE
(9) Bill Miley, August 8, 2012 3:16 AM
Four Rabbi's and God
4 rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and 3 were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, so they too will know that I understand Your laws." It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." This time four storm appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips and says, "Well?" "So," replied another, "now it's 3 to 2!"