The Jewish Infomercial
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The Jewish Infomercial

The Jewish Infomercial

Infomercials are so unJewish. Here are my pitches for some Jewish infomercial products.

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But wait! If you order now, we’ll send TWO – ABSOLUTELY FREE!! But that’s not all!! You’ll also receive our DVD that explains step by step how to use our revolutionary Egg Kracker!!! AND … a dozen unborn eggs with an aluminum egg spoon!!!! All this, for only 19.95! Shipping and handling $9.95 not included.”

Excuse me, readers…I’m ordering. I’m holding…They’re asking if I want to join their “Krack Me Up” Club for the millions who, like me, have had it with k-nocking an egg with a knife.

We’ve all seen them, heard them, and yes, even put a curse on their heads. They’re the Infomercial Gurus who have mastered the art of making millions from 50 cent plastic chazzerai made by children in Kzykstonia that “WE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT.”

Infomercials! Not only are these evil raps lies, but they’re so ……. Un-Jewish.

First, what Jew buys without looking, touching, smelling, tasting? But wait … there’s more!

Show me one Jew who bought a Samurai sword to cut a pickle? We need a one-size fits all blanket with sleeves? Is there a Jew who wants her family to look like members of a Tibetan monastery? Then there’s a meatloaf pan. Find me a balaboosteh who doesn’t have a pan shaped like a rectangle? They should bite their tongues! Literally.

If these gurus want Jewish gelt, they’ll have to get smarter, stop with the Butter Spreaders and market to our demographic. So, for you my dear readers, I’ve created some infomercial products for We Jews that might bring in a shekel or two. (Then again, maybe not.)

THE BAGEL RE-HYDRATOR

“Oy vey!” screams a husband when his bagel is frozen. “On this I could break my bridgework!”

“NOT ANYMORE!” says his balaboosteh. I just bought … The Bagel Re-Hydrator!!

See, Irving … all I do is pop the bagel in this bagel-shaped heating ring, lock the top, plug it in, set for ‘Chewy’ and gevaldik! Like just bought! And wait … they sent me a second one – for bialys! Also their pamphlet, “Bagelmania” with hundreds of recipes – and Thank God, not ONE for jalapeno!” But that’s not all! They also included a pound of poppy seeds! I ask you, is this a bargain at $25.95 or what?!

THE SMILE SIMULATOR

Mamalas, how often have you been forced to smile when say:

Your son brings home his fiancée – a nomad from Kyrgyzstan?

Your husband invites his mama to visit – for the winter?

Your neighbor’s mazik tracks in shmutz on your new carpet?

And THESE are just a FEW of the things that not only drive you meshugge, but turn you into a ranting, raving, vilda chaya!

“But who can smile with such tsouris?” you’re asking yourself.

NOW YOU CAN, DARLINGS!

With our new, miraculous invention, THE SMILE SIMULATER!

Made with space age material, just pop this easy to assemble, washable little brace into your mouth and turn that frown upside down. Built like a small wishbone from your Empire chicken, it has a ball and groove and elastic band you put in your mouth to give you a huge smile that on your own you can’t, or face it, won’t force.

No more “Oy, she’s such a Kvetcher!”

In any tsouris, BE PREPARED WITH A HUGE SMILE!

As grin sized varies, not recommended to be worn in front of small children or sensitive people.

MIRACLE MATZO BALL MOLD

`“BEING A BALABOOSTEH ISN’T EASY!!”

What capable balaboosteh hasn’t yelled, “OY, I’m so tired from all the rolling?!” when making a matzo ball?!

With all you have to do … preparing three meals a day plus snacks, advising, hunting down kinehoras and poo pooing, who has time to make THE PERFECT MATZO BALL?

PROBLEM SOLVED! Just put the ingredients in our unique MIRACLE MATZO BALL MOLD, press the top, and voila! One PERFECT matzo ball every single time.

But wait …! What if your husband’s a “sinker” and your son’s a “floater?”

We make for BOTH Sinkers AND Floaters. Purchase ONE, and you get the other ABSOLUTELY FREE!

If you order now on our website we’ll even send you a free gift! OUR MIRACLE FREEZE DRIED CARROT DEHYDRATOR.

What better gift to give your balaboosteh for the High Holidays?!

THE KVELL KARD

“IT’S THE NEW NAKHES!”

Your brilliant son made Harvard? Your darling daughter’s a doctor? Your son-in-law has a new law practice? Your kidney operation was a huge success?

Who can you tell – and tell … without seeming like boorish yenta?!

EVERYONE!

FOR NAKHES WITH CLASS LET THE KVELL KARD DO IT FOR YOU!

These personalized cards … with your photo present your personal naches in premier style. All of our 512 custom KVELL KARDS are made of the finest silk and linen, designed to make the reader drop dead from admiration.

Picture it. A deep mauve silk card, in embossed calligraphy, with a gorgeous photo of YOU that simply says, for example:

FROM THE DESK OF CHAYA ZELDA …

Who would I choose to share my nakhes with, but you, my dear and loving friend without hocking you en chinik.

My David just received a formal acceptance to join the Harvard family as a freshman, with a major in “future surgeon.”

I only hope he does as well there as your third cousin, Mordecai.

Abie and I are hosting a small dinner party in his honor soon, so feel free to spread the news, mamala, so I know whether to order for 100 or 200.

Is this gorgeous or is this gorgeous!! Like a Queen you’ll be, among all those who know you, renowned from Brooklyn to Tel Aviv for your exquisite taste and sensitivity.

Do look through our Kvell Kards and you’ll find they meet all your Naches Needs. Go to www:K4Kvell. Order one and we’ll send you a FREE KKard Koupon for $10 on all orders over $500!!

Published: January 5, 2013


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Visitor Comments: 6

(6) Bonnie`, January 11, 2013 9:30 PM

I love this writer!

She's the best keep it coming!

(5) Anonymous, January 9, 2013 6:03 PM

"Sinkers & floaters"! Great!

I didn't even know the terms! thanks for educating me!

(4) Feivel, January 7, 2013 9:24 PM

A new niche market ! So creative.

She does it again. Marnie the magnificent. What an idea for some new business!

(3) Paul Tanick, January 7, 2013 8:12 PM

Marnie, dearest, It's a treat To read your columns, they're so neat. To you we raise our hands aloft And wish you loads of Mazel-toff!!

(2) Sandy Parker, January 7, 2013 7:56 PM

I'm send these to friends with a P.S. to ask about any words they are not familiar with.

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