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The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Texting

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Texting

BRB no longer means “Be right back,” but “Bubbie requested bagels.”

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Here are some acronyms for modern Jewish mothers who wish to text their advice, nagging, complaining, and other embarrassing messages in ways our kids can understand.

Since I’m a mother of six, I’ve done this mainly to make my own communications more succinct, but if anyone else can benefit, I’ll gladly share.

CHANUKAH – “Computer help anyone? Not understanding keyboard and hyperlinks!”

To start out easy, here are some traditional acronyms already in existence, but I’ve given them a new, Jewish motherly twist.

  1. OMG no longer means “Oh my God,” it now means “Oy, my gallstones!” because every Jewish mother gets pain in that vicinity. If it’s not the gallbladder itself, it’s something equally as serious and requires an x-ray.

  2. LOL doesn’t mean “laughing out loud” it now means “Living on Latkes” but should only be texted during Chanukah.

  3. IDK no longer means, “I don’t know,” it now means, “I’m done kvetching.” You should text this when you sense you’ve pushed your kids to their limit and they’re about to turn off their cellphone. Alternatively, it can also mean, “I’m done kibitzing” to warn them you’re through joking around -- let the real kvetching begin! And lastly, you can also use this with your friends when they’re sick of your bragging – IDK = “I’m done kvelling!”

  4. TTYL no longer means “Talk to you later,” it now means, “Take Time Young Lady!” You should text this if your daughter announces her engagement but he’s not a doctor, a dentist, or even an attorney.

  5. BTW doesn’t mean, “By the way,” it now means, “Brisket tastes weird.” You should secretly text this from the dinner table of your daughter-in-law’s home.

  6. IMHO no longer means “In my humble opinion” it now means, “I made Hamantashen….obviously.” You should text this when your daughter-in-law asks what she should serve for dessert on Purim?

  7. BRB no longer means, “Be right back,” it now means, “Bubbe requesting bagels.” You should text this before Sunday brunch.

  8. ROTFL doesn’t mean, “Rolling on the floor laughing” it now means, “Read over the food labels!” You should text this when anyone disagrees with you about Kosher symbols on packaging.

And now because I’m creative and believe in having more variety, here are some new acronyms I’ve made up for other common specific situations:

  1. When you have too much family gossip to fit in a text, and want a phone call instead, simply text “YENTA!” = “Your ears need talking action!”

  2. Lo and behold, when nobody has checked to see if you received your gallbladder results yet, simply text “LOX” = “Lamenting over X-rays.”

  3. If that doesn’t entice them to phone you and you happen to be sick, single, and it’s almost sunset on Friday night, simply text CHALLAH = “Call! Health and Love Life Languishing. And hungry!”

  4. But if you need an acronym that communicates greater urgency, simply text CHUPPAH = “Call! Hurry up please, pain and hunger.”

  5. If this suffering strategy has become ineffective (and it’s around December) switch to asking for assistance with your laptop. Nobody can ignore an old-fashioned mother’s pleas regarding technology. Simply text, CHANUKAH = “Computer help anyone? Not understanding keyboard and hyperlinks!”

  6. When you finally tire of being the sorrowful victim, you’re guaranteed to get your offspring to phone you if you act cheerful and like you have something urgent to say. Simply text CHAI = “Call! Happy and important!”

  7. However if that fails, as a last resort you should play the guilt card again, only this time more blatantly. Simply text GUILT = “Giving up! Ignored, lonely, tired…” Note: It’s crucial you type the three dots in there so they can practically hear your weakened voice trailing off . . .

  8. Another version of guilt can be implemented if your son has been married many years and he’s mentioned they’re uncertain about having children. Simply text, GUILT = “Grandkids unsettled? I’m leaving town!” Note: This could be taken as a promise and not a threat.

  9. When your daughter has an important interview and you don’t want her wearing her typical trash wardrobe, simply text NOSH = “Nobody overlooks shmatas, honey.”

  10. When (miraculously) your kids do finally text you (of their own accord) and ask, “So what’s Dad up to?” Simply text FEH = “Father’s eating herring!” Nine times out of ten, this will be accurate.

  11. After Pesach, when you’ve had it with preparing the same Kosher For Passover breakfast, cook plain scrambled eggs with toast and simply text, SHALOM = “So happy about leaving out matzo!”

  12. When you meet a single girl at a circumcision who is all wrong for your son but insists on having his phone number, give him a heads up by simply texting, BRIS = “Beware! Really interested shiksa!”

  13. No matter what the season or weather, when your kids are coming back home to visit, simply text TASHLICH = “Take a sweater honey. Listen, it’s cold here!”

  14. But be prepared for an auto-generated reply back with a stock photo of a coat and the word JEWISH = “Jacket even when it’s sunny hot!” Because your kids certainly know how to humor you. After all, they were trained by a true Pro!

And remember you learned all of these clever acronyms right here at Jewlarious on AISH which could stand for = Amazing, Inventive, Smart, Humorous!

August 20, 2016

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The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(3) AA always anonymous, August 30, 2016 4:48 PM

VCILI very cute, I loved it!

(2) Donna, August 24, 2016 1:47 AM

YSAFGS - You're such a funny girl Steph!

Stephanie, August 25, 2016 6:55 AM

SAY

Sure Appreciate You!

(1) carol mark, August 23, 2016 2:18 PM

Abbreviations we can live by!

Oy! I couldn't stop laughing!

Stephanie, August 23, 2016 9:48 PM

Thank you

Appreciate you taking time to comment.

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