JEWLARIOUS SATIRE: Following a series of mid-September meetings in Geneva about Syria, the United States and Russia came to a few agreements. The first was that the Alps and Swiss cheese are two of Switzerland’s greatest advantages. Good things were also said about fondue.
That accomplished, Secretary of State John Kerry and Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov of Russia came to still another agreement, this one calling for Syria’s arsenal of chemical weapons to be removed or destroyed by the middle of 2014. The agreement indefinitely stalled the prospect of American airstrikes, which came as a huge disappointment to Boeing, Northrup, and Lockheed-Martin.
Still, life goes on. Recently, President Barack Obama and Russian President Vladimir Putin held a secret meeting in Maui to discuss the latest developments in the Syrian situation. The meeting was held in Maui because Putin is nuts about the island’s surfing and Obama both grew up in Hawaii and can’t get enough of the macadamia mango mahi-mahi at Maui’s Maalaea Waterfront Restaurant.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was kind enough to offer this transcript featuring a portion of the meeting between the two nations’ presidents exclusively to Jewlarious.
Putin: You’re ahead of your time, Barry.
Putin: This is even more delicious than the rassolnik my mother used to make for me.
Obama: Told you. I really believe that we could end fighting in the world if everyone could have a serving of macadamia mango mahi-mahi once a day.
Putin: You’re ahead of your time, Barry.
Obama: It’s nice when people notice. But speaking of fighting, I suppose we should continue working on this Syrian situation.
Putin: Are you sure you can get your mind off the mahi-mahi?
Obama: I’ll try. Now, you recently said that Syrian chemical weapons were built in response to Israel's nuclear weapons.
Putin: I also said that eating caviar puts hair on your chest--which explains many Russian women.
Obama: Can we please stick to the subject of dismantling weapons of mass destruction?
Putin: My apologies. I’ve had some unfortunate online dates. Look, Israel's technological superiority means that it doesn't have to have nuclear weapons. Having them only make her into a target.
Obama: And not having them wouldn’t? Are you kidding me? The second Israel announced she had no nuclear weapons, she’d be attacked by many countries who have them.
Putin: Oh, B, you are such a Gloomy Gogol. Why not expect the best instead of the worst? See the bowl of borscht as half full. We love Israel. We want it to be a peaceful nation. So, if Syria gives up its chemical weapons, the Land of Milk and Honey should give up its nuclear weapons.
Obama: That’s not fair and you know it, Vladimir. You’re playing the Israel card--dragging the Israeli nuclear issue into the Middle East negotiations. Those are two separate issues. Apples and oranges. James Bond and Carrot Top. Rasputin and Lady Gaga.
Putin: First, know this: similes are not your strong point. Second, we have every reason to believe that the August 21st chemical weapons attack in Syria was done not by the Syrian government, but by opponents of Assad’s regime. Third, are there seconds on the mahi-mahi? I’d send my mother to Siberia if I could have this meal regularly. In fact, I’d send her there anyway; she’s getting on my nerves.
Obama: Do you expect me to believe that Russia never supplied Syria with weapons suited for chemical weapons use?
Putin: Absolutely. The Cyrillic script on shells found to have been used in the attack prove it was carried out using improvised weapons made, most likely, in some garage. Furthermore, ground samples we obtained prove improvised chemical weapons were used by rebels near Aleppo. Finally, is this the face of a national leader who would give chemical weapons to another nation?
Putin: Okay, forget that. I realize I have a face of power and menace. But there I go quoting from my Match.com profile.
Obama: Look, bottom line -- you are insisting that every military action not sanctioned by the UN Security Council or not in self-defense is an act of aggression.
Putin: That’s right. Decisions must be made jointly and not according to the interests of one country. Therefore, your threatening Syria with a “boots on the ground” invasion would be an act of aggression.
Obama: Well, we’re not making that threat any more. We’re pursuing diplomatic channels.
Putin: Thanks to my suggestion.
Obama: You want a pat on the back?
Putin: It depends on who’s doing the patting.
Obama: Why don’t you just admit that you want to limit American influence in the world?
Putin: “Limit”? I’d like to end it! End the arrogance of bringing democracy by force to oppressive countries. You’re finally catching on, Mr. President. Russia is all about trying to save the world from America! Unilateral actions by the U.S. in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya caused more harm than good in the long run. News flash: you’re not always the good guys.
Obama: Need I remind you, Mr. President, how many countries Russia has invaded and made Communist over the years? China, Cuba and North Korea for starters. In any case, I was pleasantly surprised and encouraged by the initial declaration that Syria has submitted outlining its inventory of chemical weapons.
Putin: Yes. They handed the list over to the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons, a name almost as awkward as the Bureau of Homeland Security.
Obama: Granted, it doesn’t have the streamlined beauty of your Council of the Federation of the Federal Assembly of the Russian Federation, but we did the best we could.
Putin: As did we. And you must admit that in the past few weeks, I have built up capital as a global diplomat and that Assad and I will now set the rules and run the show under the protection of the U.N.
Obama: You don’t fool me or the American people for one second, Vladimir. We are well aware that Syria and Iran are excellent customers for Russian weapons and expertise and that for years you’ve used Russia’s position on the U.N. Security Council to provide both regimes with excellent “customer support.” Your propaganda machine spews hatred and suspicion of the West as enemies of Russia, when in reality you and your regime are the true source of the damage to Russia’s strength and standing in the international community. Stick that in your samovar and brew it.
Putin: Those are strong words, Barack. I didn’t want to say this, but you’ve left me no choice: Everything you say about me bounces back to you and sticks like glue.
Obama: This might be a good time to take a break.
Putin: That was my idea.