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The Jewish Brotherhood

The Jewish Brotherhood

Israel’s future political force?


Jewlarious Satire: Today’s Arab countries are witnessing mass public demonstrations where daily uprisings are now de rigueur. Many experts are concerns that extremists will come to power in countries like Egypt thanks to the well organized Muslim Brotherhood.

It is in this kettle of Middle-East political reformation that an international movement has quickly transformed itself into a new Israeli political party – The Jewish Brotherhood, and it is intent on reshaping Israeli politics…forever.

The Jewish Brotherhood is intent on reshaping Israeli politics…forever.

Who are these newly politicized activists?

Broadly speaking, they are your fathers, brothers, uncles and your uncle’s gardeners. Together they represent a loose collection of spirited men affiliated with shuls, temples and synagogues throughout the world. It is in Israel, however, where membership to the ‘Brotherhood’ has now taken on political overtones.

Typical members are Jewish men who enjoy breakfast meetings, tax write-offs and recognition in the form of plaques prominently displayed throughout their shuls. If not for their efforts, egos and love of golf, the imprinting and plaque-manufacturing sector would be totally devastated.

As far as religious affiliation is concerned, it’s not so much a case of “don’t ask don’t tell” as it is “who cares?” The Jewish Brotherhood doesn’t care what kind of kippah you wear in shul – as long as you like a good piece of schmaltz herring.

Regardless, whether it is their desire to do good for their community or their self perceived destiny to fill a decision-making vacuum in their congregations, these men share a single, common bond: Guys united by fully paid memberships dues.

Why Jews Are Wandering to the ‘Brotherhood’

Political analysts agree that the decisive reason accounting for the sudden rise in the Jewish Brotherhood’s is its Action Agenda: A straight forward, no nonsense manifesto embracing social committees, fund raising events, and missions to Israel which will prominently feature numerous trips to army bases and falafel and shawarma restaurants.

Here Come Those Jews!

The Jewish Brotherhood has lately been the subject of rising discussions in Western media. There are worries within secular circles that once in power, the Brotherhood will immediately implement Jewish law in the Holy Land which would include requirements for citizens to honor their mother and fathers, give charity and love their neighbors as themselves!

Deflecting this criticism, Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein, Golan Heights Chapter President, said in a prepared statement: “We believe that the only thing preventing us from seizing power is the law. That is why we want to start our own party. It is also a lot safer and far less bloody.”

History has shown that the odds of being successful are formidable. Organizing brotherhood associations in various synagogue basements is one thing. Starting a national movement in a country with the world’s most political parties per capita is quite another.

Strategy: The Classic Seat-By-Seat Approach

Slow and steady seems to be the course. Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein Sr. (no relation but a long-time member) agrees. “What’s the rush? We’ve waited this long for unity. How long have you waited for good service at a kosher restaurant? Believe me, there’s still time to bake several challahs before we really get this thing rolling.”

And that is why the Jewish Brotherhood is winning the hearts of Israelis.

“First we’ll start with getting a seat on the Jerusalem #9 bus, then we’ll worry about winning seats in the Knesset. Look. It’s a long ride for me. I’m old and I hate to stand the entire way through the Old City.”

At this rate, the Jewish Brotherhood should form a majority government in another 5,000 years.

Who Wants In?

Whoever wants to get involved is encouraged to join. Left-wing candidates who previously ran under the slogan “Fight Terror With A Smile”, now feel welcome at the Brotherhood. Also, fiscally conservative voters attracted to tremendous tax write-offs also find the Jewish Brotherhood appealing -- as long as there are Jewish men able to claim tax receipts, there will be a need for the Jewish Brotherhood.

As Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein says, “The beauty is that we’re not tied to any single one ideology except that all dues must be paid up in full. I just can’t stress that more.”

July 23, 2011

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The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 3

(3) Gary Nestel, January 2, 2017 1:00 AM

Jewish power we must rise and come together from all places of the world and join in Israel the defeat our enemies once and for all let us rise

We must rise to see our enemies fall Jew's from all countries I ask that in2017we will destroy our enemies once and for All

(2) Anonymous, August 5, 2011 6:32 PM

nothing about the brotherhood for israel

There's nothing here about the Brotherhood's mission to keep Jews and Israel alive. They're local only? to accomplish what? How about working together to stop the BDS against Israel, take charge of saving Israel from the many sources that would defeat her. Counter the propaganda about "settlements" and "occupation." Spread the truth about Israel's history as well as islamic history that will usurp and desroy where it goes, whether Israel or europe or the US. What good is the brotherhood if it's not to protect and speak out for our brothers in israel...the only land where we would truly be welcome.

(1) esti, July 27, 2011 12:32 AM

Funny stuff! I would vote for this Jewish brotherhood to come to power. :)

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