Tu B’Av, the Jewish holiday of love is here, and that means you have to find your special somebody. In the old days, you would turn to the local matchmaker. Today, we turn to the internet.

In order to meet you special somebody online, you have to start with a profile. And I am going to coach you on the basics of making your profile presentable, so you can meet a good Jew. This is based on the extensive research that I have done of dating sites, looking at every Jewish girls profile, not talking to any of them but still looking for my life partner. And now I bring you some helpful tips on the initial part of your internet dating profile, so you can look good and Jewish.

Men, just write, “I want a beautiful Shabbos table.” Jewish women melt when they hear that.

Choosing a Picture

A picture is the first thing people see. Your picture should say Jewish. Have a streimel in the background, sport a prayer shawl, kiss a mezuzah, eat a deli sandwich, hold Shabbos candles and wear a head covering. Better yet, raise your palms with the Jewish “why, I don’t know,” looking statement, while shrugging your shoulders with a tilted head. This will attract the right partner and weed out all people who are not attracted to people who behave like eighty-year old Jews.

The picture must look good. Photoshop it, pixelate it, airbrush it. Do whatever you can to make sure it doesn’t look like you. For many years, my profile had the picture of the Rock. I heard women were attracted to him. But as I later learned, it was too much of a letdown when they showed up to the date. Then I had a phase when I wanted to look more religious, so I posted an old picture of the Rambam with a turban. Now I just use pictures of myself with the blurring effect.

Your picture pose is also important. The thinking fist pose is a classic if you are Greek. Better yet, go for the meditating wilderness pose. It will make you look very spiritual. Go on a hike and take a picture. The closer you are to a cliff, the better. It always looks more meditative when you are thinking about danger.

Picture Don’ts

Don’t put up your picture from the eighth-grade yearbook. Nobody needs to see that Rachel wants you to have a great summer.

No pictures with other people. All my friends look better than me. That doesn’t help.

No family trip pictures. Nobody wants to see you wearing a shirt that says “Cohen family Passover Pananza in Disney World.” It was funny to your family. Not to anyone else.

About Me

You can leave this blank. It makes you look mysterious, and thus more attractive. People reading it will be thinking, “This guy is so mysterious, he knows nothing about himself.”

If writing about yourself, make it clear that you know you’re the greatest. I usually see, “I am likeable. Lovable. Caring. Always willing to go out of the way for a friend. Sporty. Healthy. Love reading. Hiking. Spending time with friends.” That is what people write if they actually like relaxing at home and watching movies on your laptop.

To attract the right Jew, this part of your profile must have you looking like the best Jew. It should read: I am a Talmid Chacham, a Torah scholar. I learn Torah all day, from morning till night. I work full time. I want a huge family to spend all day together with. I do chesed, acts of kindness, all day long. (Make sure anything you put down in your profile is for the whole day) I do the morning service into the afternoon. I call my mom all day long. I go to the Catskills Mountains all summer and head down to Florida all winter. I eat kosher but don’t trust any kosher organizations.

Say nothing about being a dog or cat person. You don’t want to miss out on the love of your life because of a Chihuahua. Instead, say you are a zoo person. Maybe you like goldfish? To attract a good Jew, say you are a lox person.

If you are a woman, you can also leave this blank. Guys don’t care. They’re shallow. They saw the picture already.

If you are a man, best to just write, “I want a beautiful Shabbos table.” Nothing else. Jewish women melt when they hear that. Other than that, your profile should say nothing.

What You Are Looking For

Most women write they want “a man with his head on his shoulders.” “Somebody with his feet on the ground.” “Somebody who plays with a full deck of cards.” I suggest you shorten this and let people know that you are looking for people who have a body that is connected and don’t cheat at the casino.

As a guy, please do not say you are looking for somebody who you are attracted to. That is offensive. Don’t get yourself in trouble. Say, “I am looking for a beautiful Shabbos table.” If you are a woman, you can say you are looking for a tall, dark, handsome man, who strikes your fancy. I have seen that on many women’s’ profiles and nobody is offended by that. Yes. I’m bitter.

Hobbies

This is where you list stuff that you haven’t done in thirty years. “Basketball. Hiking. Volunteering. Learning Torah all day. Working out all day.” This should look exactly like your “about me” section, but with poorer grammar.

Again, if you are a guy, safest to say, “Beautiful Shabbos table.” That is all you have to say. They will forget about your picture, your religious affiliation, your huge ego, and the fact you cheat when you play war with kids.

Other Important Profile Dos for the Jews

When filling out your body type, write “athletic.” This is what most Jews do, because single Jewish people are all a bunch of liars. Either that or they think that playing basketball once a week is a body type.

Write that you are a doctor. Doctor is your level of education too. You can worry about degrees later. You have aspirations, and that’s what’s important. Mention nothing about your job. Leave that part blank. You don’t want your potential spouse ever knowing where you are during the day. Same with salary. Until the prenup is signed, you make nothing. And most importantly, as a Jew, leave the “your background” out of your profile. It’s better you have none. Nobody likes in-laws.

Better yet, don’t do anything, and just write “beautiful Shabbos table,” and you will meet your spouse. Even better, just leave it all blank. That is mysterious.