Jewish mothers? Where is the Jewish father in all this?

THE ROLE

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish father."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

THE WILL: WHO’S IN CHARGE?

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near.

He says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills house."

His wife objects: “Bernie? He needs Beverly Hills with his arrogance? Better leave it to Rachel.

Morris says: “And to my daughter Rachel, I leave half my stocks and bonds.”

His wife pipes up: “Rachel?! She knows from business? The girl can’t add two and two. Better to leave them to Bernie.”

Morris continues. And to my youngest son, Jeremy, I leave my fleet of vintage cars.”

“What?” yells his wife. “Three tickets he got just last month!”

Finally Morris turns to his wife. “Sylvia … who’s dying here … me or you?”

THE WILL: SO THERE!

Bleckstein is seriously ill and decides to make a will. He calls his brother Isadore, a lawyer. When Isadore arrives, Bleckstein directs him to write.

“I give to my sons Alan and Nathan, $150,000 apiece. To my daughter Deborah, I also give $150,000. And to you, I give $75,000.”

“Wait a minute,” says Isadore. “Just last week, you told me your entire estate is maybe $50,000.”

“Nu?” replies Bleckstein, “So let them work for it like I did.”

BUSINESS AS USUAL

Levine is dying, and his family is gathered around his bed. Eyes closed, he murmurs weakly, "Are you there, Becky?"

"I'm here, Jake," says Mrs. Levine, weeping.

"And Sammy, you're there?"

"I'm here, Papa," says the oldest son.

“And mine Tobila?"

"I'm here, Papa," says his daughter.

One by one, Levine went through the list of his children down to the youngest, and each assures him or his or her presence. Levine's eyes open wide, he raises himself to his elbows and cries, and “So who's minding the store?"

THE WARNING

Kornblum is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, David, the surgeon. He turns to David and says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

ABBREVIATED Q@A

Dear Dad

Univer$ity life i$ really great and I’m beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lot$ of new friend$, I $till find time to $tudy very hard. I already have $ome $tuff and I $imply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a $imple card a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

Moi$he

His father replies:

Dear Moishe

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. But do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and one can never study eNOugh.

Love your father,

ArNOld

A CLASSIC ...

Morty made a killing in the stock market, so he thought it befitting to buy a yacht. Naturally, he needed a fancy “captain’s” uniform – with white jacket, hat and epaulettes. One Sunday, he invited papa from the Bronx for a trip.

“Some yacht, huh? So, what do you think of your son now?”

“Eh. very nice,” murmurs Papa.

“See, Papa?” Morty said, pointing to his uniform. “I’m a regular Captain now!”

Papa shrugs .

“Well,” says Morty, “You don’t seem very impressed.”

“Morty, by your wife you’re a captain, by me you’re a captain – but believe me sonny, by a captain, you’re no captain!”

AND FROM THIS SEED

Frankfort, 1788. Mayer Rothschild’s shop. A pogrom is outside. Mayer, to his 12-year-old son Nathan . . .

MAYER: Quick! . . . Downstairs! Hurry! Nathan . . . I told you to go downstairs.

NATHAN: Papa! I hate them.

MAYER: Don’t ever say that.

NATHAN: But they hate us.

MAYER: What’s that got to do with us? They’re a mob. We’re a family. Hatred comes cheap to a mob. A family buys it dear. -- Excerpt from The Rothschilds, the musical play

THE ULTIMATE FATHER

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. He told them:

“Don't eat the forbidden fruit.”

“We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!”

“No way!”

“Don't eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God. A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break.

“Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit!?”

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“DID NOT!!”

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.