The Latest Jewlarious Jokes

Memories

Moishe and Miriam Shpielman are a couple in their nineties and they are having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, Moishe gets up from his chair. Miriam asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. Miriam asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Moishe says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" Moishe says, "No, I can remember that!"

Miriam then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." Moishe says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Remember what the doctor said. Write it down." Irritated, Moishe says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes Moishe returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of lox and bagel.

Miriam stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my cream cheese?"


Chaim Yankel is a Father

Chaim Yankel was a new father! His wife Ruchie decided to leave the new baby with him for the day while she went out to do some shopping. When Ruchie returned, she went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was furious!

She confronted her husband, "Chaim Yankel! What’s the matter with you? Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"

Chaim Yankel responded, "Why you are so angry! The box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"


Picture Perfect

Moshie Meyerovitz asked his father, "Abba do you have an extra picture of yourself? I need it for a school project."

Mr. Meyerovitz gave Moishie a picture he had lying around without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later Mr. Meyerovitz was in Moishie’s classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when he noticed his face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."


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