The Latest Jewlarious Jokes

How’s My Driving?

Adelle and Miriam were two elderly women, best friends, who went to Yitz’s Delicatessen every Tuesday for lunch. They were on their way there, driving in a large car in which both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. Miriam, seated in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. Miriam was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Adelle, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Adelle turned to Miriam and said, "Oy! Am I driving?"


Lucky Mrs. Feinberg

Old Mrs. Feinberg came to the hospital to visit a friend. Mrs. Feinberg was one of the lucky ones – as old as she was, she was extremely healthy, never visiting the hospital. In fact, she had not been in a hospital for so many years that she was somewhat ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Oy, I would hate to be hooked up to that thing," Mrs. Feinberg said.

"So would I," replied the technician.

“What is it?” asked Mrs. Feinberg.

“It’s called the Brava 380.”

“I see. What does it do?” she asked.

“It cleans the floor.”


Second Time Isn’t a Charm

Morty Fleisher and Suzy Himmleman decided to get married. They were both widows living in a retirement community and they thought marriage would be a good idea. Well it wasn’t. They were at each other’s throats constantly and after a short time they decided to get a divorce. So they decided to go to the Rabbi.

"What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" the Rabbi asked Mr. Fleisher.

Morty replied, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

Suzie piped up and said, "Seven weeks."


 

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