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  • Torah Reading: Emor
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Lessons Your Bubbie Taught You

  • If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  • If you don't eat, it will kill me.
  • Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  • Always whisper the names of diseases.
  • If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
  • Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
  • Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
  • Wine needs to breathe so don't rush through the kiddish.
  • No one leaves a simcha hungry; but then no one leaves with a hangover.
  • And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
  • A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
  • Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  • Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
  • Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

GPS Override

David was speaking to his brother Jacob the night before David was set to pack up his family and drive off to Jacob’s home in the country for the week.

Jacob: You all set for the trip tomorrow? Do you need directions to our new place?

David: No, I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Jacob: What’s a GPS override?

David: My wife.

My Wife the Engineer

Miriam arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried Moishe, “Sorry I’m late. I had to come home by train because I couldn’t get the car to start.”

“Why?” asks Moishe

“I think there’s water in the carburetor,” replies Miriam.

“How on earth can you know that?” says Moishe. “You don’t even know how to open the hood or to change the time on the car’s clock yet alone know where the carburetor is.”

“Maybe so,” says Miriam, “but I still think there’s water in it.”

Moishe then says, “OK, I’ll go along with you. Maybe you’ve been taking some classes at the auto body shop without me knowing. Let’s check it out. Where did you leave the car?”

Miriam replies, “In the lake!”

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