Come on and Safari with me
David and Shirley Rosenberg decided to go on a kosher safari in South Africa and Shirley convinced David to bring along his mother in law Netty. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Mrs. Rosenberg awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband she woke him up, insisting that he help find Netty.
David got his gear and they started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
Shirley cried, "David, what are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said David. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Malka Feiglebaum went to Abe’s butcher shop every Thursday to pick up her brisket but was shocked one Thursday to find a foul mouthed parrot by the door who squawked: "Hey, lady, you're brisket tastes haluches." The woman tried to ignore the insult and hurried on her way.
The following Thursday when she exited the butcher shop, she quickened her stride in the hope that the parrot wouldn't spot her, but he did and squawked loudly: ""Hey, lady, you're brisket tastes haluches."
Mrs. Feiglebaum was extremely embarrassed.
When the same thing happened for a third and fourth Thursday, she had reached the end of her tether. She stormed into the butcher shop and demanded to speak to the owner. She threatened to sue him and to have the parrot put down unless the abuse stopped.
The butcher promised faithfully that the bird wouldn't say it again.
The next Thursday, Mrs. Feiglebaum came to the butcher shop as usual, picked up her order and as she approached the exit, the parrot called out: "Hey, lady."
Mrs. Feiglebaum turned round and glared at the bird. "Yes?"
"You wanna borrow a brisket recipe?"
Oy, Such a Headache
Miriam goes to see her rabbi, Rabbi Epstein and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Miriam shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which Rabbi Epstein replies, "No Miriam, it is not gone. I have it now."