The Jewish Dog
Within days of purchasing a lovely dog named Moshe, Avrom notices that Moshe is very intelligent - he always comes when his name is called no matter what he was doing; he always finds his bone no matter where it's hidden; and he learns new tricks very quickly. He can even balance on one leg for 30 seconds.
Avrom realizes that Moshe is a very special kind of dog - a Jewish dog, most probably, so he teaches Moshe to wear a kippa. And because Moshe looks so frum in his kippa, Avrom starts to teach him Hebrew. Not surprisingly, Moshe quickly starts learning and then speaking some Hebrew words in a doggie kind of voice. But then one morning, Avrom, realizing that Yom Kippur is only a few days away, phones his rabbi and gets permission to bring Moshe to shul with him.
On Yom Kippur morning, they arrive in shul and the kippa-wearing Moshe is given the seat immediately between Avrom and a Mr Birnboam. The service begins and immediately Moshe can be heard by those around him praying in Hebrew in a yappy but reasonably clear breathy kind of voice, with heartfelt 'wails' thrown in every now and then. Mr Birnboam turns to Avrom and whispers, "I just can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing. It looks like your dog is davening. But he can't be, can he? I must be dreaming. If I am, please wake me up immediately."
"No, you're not dreaming Mr Birnboam," whispers Avrom, "Moshe truly is davening."
"If that's so," whispers Mr Birnboam, "you can get thousands of dollars for such an act on THE X FACTOR or AMERICA'S GOT TALENT."
"Mr Birnboam," whispers Avrom, "I can assure you that the same thoughts have crossed my mind. But my Moshe has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to be an Accountant."
Call Me Maybe
Sarah was getting ready to go out on a “Shidduch date”. She called her friend Rachel.
“Hi Rachel, I’m about to get picked up for my date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? If you hear in my voice that it’s not going well, tell me my grandmother is not feeling well. Thanks.”
David picked Sarah up and sure enough, the date wasn’t going well. Half an hour into the date, Sarah’s phone rang.
“I’m sorry David, but my grandmother’s not feeling well and she’s asked me to go home and check on her.”
“No problem!” said David with a big grin. “In a few more minutes I was going to have a leak in my apartment!”
Driving Him Crazy
Yaakov’s mother in law asked him to drive her around the city so she could run a few errands. After a while, Yaakov’s cell phone rang. It was his mother in law.
“You left without me. You’ve been driving for the last 20 minutes without me!”
“Baruch Hashem,” Yaakov replied.
“Pardon me?” his mother in law said, offended.
“For a while there, I thought I had gone deaf.”