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  • Torah Reading: Tzav
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Better Days

Moishe arrived home at around 5:30 as per usual. Soon after, he discovered that it was not one of his wife Miriam’s better days. Nothing Moishe said or did seemed to be right.

By 7:30 p.m., things had not changed, so Moishe had an idea. He suggested that he go outside, pretend that he had just gotten home, and start all over again. Miriam agreed.

Moishe went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" Miriam replied sharply. "It's after seven thirty!"

The Mark of Cain

A well known Israeli rabbi had a call in radio program on Israeli radio. One day a lady called it and, crying, said, "Rabbi, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more emunah (faith) I could be healed."

The Rabbi asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," the Rabbi said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more emunah that wouldn't hurt!'"

The Applebaum 500

Shloimie Applebaum was driving down the highway late one night when his family mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" Shloimie asked.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Lamborghini replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari with a V-10. The Ferrari began to rev its engine to get the Lamborghini to race. The Lamborghini revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A Ferrari and a Lamborghini were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Hassidic Jew driving a Mini-van honking his horn and flashing his lights trying to pass them!"

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