Lessons My Jewish Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Bubbie Reads the Torah
Rifka was speaking to her daughter Sarah about the importance of keeping up to date in her Judaic studies.
"You should always make sure to read a little bit from the Torah each day,” said Rivkah.
“Why?” asked Sarah.
“Well,” replied her mother, “You need to do it for school… and for life really. Look at your Bubbie over there, she reads through the Torah every day. You should take a lesson from Bubbie.”
Sarah replied, "I don't have to, Mommy. They don’t test us on the Torah in school yet. And anyway, Bubbie is studying for her final exams"
Moishe Sheiner arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, his wife Miriam is on to him about her favorite topic – that they should go on a diet together. This time, she tells him that they their friend Baruch Bloom has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Moishe," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power – something that you definitely don’t have."
But Miriam hadn’t finished.
"And that’s not all. I hear that Reuven, that friend of yours from shul, is finally giving up drinking – another example of the kind of will power that you don’t have."
"OK, Miriam," said Moishe, "You want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am not eating any dessert for the rest of my life. No cookies, no cake, no chocolate – nothing! And let’s see if you can keep up with me!”
Remarkably, Moishe keeps to his word. And so did Miriam.
One night, while he was sleeping he heard some noise in the kitchen. Thinking it was a burglar he got out of bed and crept into the kitchen only to find his wife sitting at the table devouring an enormous chocolate cake.
“So you couldn’t keep up with me then,” Moishe asked with a smile.
“No, I was doing just fine thank you very much.”
“So what happened?”
“Baruch Bloom started smoking again."