Four Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

OY VEY!

What an eye opener - Very applicable to what I'm going through though. Good job.

In dating, we often do not see the obvious. That is why peoplel used to bring home their dates to meet their parents and see them in various social situation. Still works...

"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

I'm getting hitched in 28 days to a good man I have a little boy with, chemistry was slow and steady, his character is what I love as well as other things about him. So no fireworks at first, but I've had all that with other guys and boy were they losers!!! Wish me luck! X

I wish you all the best. I am also 28 and my boyfriend and I are seriously considering getting married. I can sort of connect with you there cause when I first met my man I didn't fall at his feet but ended up falling in love with him when I got to know him better & fell in love with the person he was inside, his personality, kindness & life priorities. Although there is chemistry between us it has grown as we got to know each other better. Although chemistry is important in my eyes its better to love someone for 'who they really are' than be blinded by 'love as first sight' and then discover later (when it is too late) that they are not actually the right person for you! I also believe that good spiritual strength from both sides is very important. Being spiritually & emotionally dependant on the Lord & not each other will ease the pressure of dependance on each other & will actually bring you closer. Whilst make each other happy by showing affection is important, you will know you share the same purpose in life and have a deeper connection. Respect for each other will grow & you will both be strong enough in yourselves to encourage each other in difficult times & if you communicate with the Lord together & share your troubles with him together he will strengthen you both even more! I really know anything about you or your relationship with your fience so sorry if it sounded like a lecture near the end. I just though it was important to share it, not just with you but with others on this forum too. I wish you both all the best. x

Are you both Jewish?

i love the humour, when the chemistry (sexual attraction) raises, it is really difficult to think straight. and when there is not chemistry the you find difficult to surrender to a good prospect with similar values but with no tingling butterflies. hope to find a person that inspire the best of this two scenario us.

We all come with baggage and differences. If we married our personality twin this would not make a healthy union in society. 2 introverts could hardly communicate or defend themselves. As with any risk you need alot of masel and spiritual strength. There are too many too afraid of that challenge.

i do believes that love is the only force on this planet, with love all things are possible

Not for kids with raging hormones and heavy emotional baggage.Unfortunately, there are too many of them in the dating scene. Most kids, no matter how frum they are, are not cut out for being in a commitment relationship and we know this for a fact. Look no further than the escalating divorce rates in our communities. If you want to get married then grow up and start acting like a mature responsible adult.

haha that was hilarious

sometime love at first sit needs to have a 2ed look

Love is the most important word in life

always learn first before choosing.

I wish I would have seen this before I made these mistakes. I hope it helps a lot of people! Well done!

Right ON!!

Actually, I would rather be dating (and miserable) rather than single (and miserable)!

This was great!

after all, just watch TV for an evening...and count how many positive portayals of men you'll see, and how many negative ones. Better yet, watch any sitcom on any channel...count the positive...etc. Eventually, you'll get the picture.

Thank you for this very timely film. I am deeply impressed by its very basic reminder of "common sense for adults." I too could have been married three times, and divorced, as many. It has often times happened when men are very drawn to me, while completely misjudging my personhood, my innate personality, and the fact that I am a very deeply private person. What I find most irritable beyond belief, is that being single "must and should" signal that I am there "for the taking," and especially that I am "desperate." In this age of real-time gossip, easy divorce, and "extreme" personality remake, people, in my opinion, forget the obvious: the way you treat others, utterly reflects the way you will treat your partner. Thus, when someone shows a COMPLETE, UTTER LACK of interest, privately, it should be respected. The pursuit of someone who is utterly indifferent to one's attentions, shows a frightening lack of respect to the boundaries of very basic rights, courtesy, politeness, and social decorum, plus, it leads to serious anger. I have been subject, a tad too often to men, who refuse to take an attitude of "no interest" as being just that, and who contemptuously persevere in unwanted, unwelcome, disgustingly non-respectful behaviour. I find it often times amazing that people still get married, many need "fixing up." It is a deeply repulsive fact that people still persist in believing that a polite person, is wimpy, and has no mind of her own, and is susceptible to being pressured into relationships for the sake of (fill in the blank). I

Where oh where were you 51 years ago?

If I had only known this as an 18 year old girl. I believed he could become the man I wanted. I can laugh now. Great video. The scene when he was on the phone was so disturbing to me now as I look back.

You handled a difficult subject with wit and managed to really point out some of the pitfalls that lead to difficult marriages and divorce.

I saw your point but very briefly as it was cluttered by your terrible portrayal of men. I have dated number women over the years that proved to be as equally selfish, wreckless and self absorbed as the dude seen here. By following the consistent media practice of casting guys as either un-attentive, boorish, or selfish juxtaposed to a smiling, bright, happy, and “all knowing” (and therefore blameless) woman certainly undermines your message. I think you’ll find more often than not, many guys wake up in the dead of night, look over at their spouse and say, “What have I done and dealt myself? I married Bridezilla!” A more balanced approach would have articulated your ideas better.

Showing the mixed matched. When bad guy likes good girl, and good girl likes bad guy, it doesn't work. If good guy likes bad girl and bad girl likes good guy, doesn't work. You don't see very often good guy likes bad girl. What you do see often is what is represented in this video clip, and the excuses that are made that leads them down the aisle. When bad guy marries bad girl, higher success rate. When good guy marries good girl, higher success rate. The question can be, why does bad guy chase after good girl and why does good girl let the bad guy catch her? Or why does good girl chase after bad guy and the bad guy let the good girl catch him. The 4 points explains the reasoning in the mind but why, why, why?

Agree w/ the msg overall. However, by slamming the guy in every scenario you do undermine your point somewhat. You reinforce self-destructive stereotypes and suggest to women who are having dating difficulties to do no critical analysis of their own behaviors. It's 50/50.

As someone who was married for close to 25 years and thought I'd like to get remarried, after watching this video, I'm not so sure.

Those are very good points. we should accept that they are what they are, notice their character, have common values and goals and be realistic. Also, the two need to communicate so they know how they feel and what they want and need. And be very giving.

Frankly, very disappointing and male bashing. My version - older female speaker as one's grandmother who notes: "1 - she has too many girl friends that means you may marrying several women not just one as they will influence her valuing you; 2 - she dresses sinius, but in a way that is designed to get male validation from other guys all the time will not go away once maried and be a vexation to your spirit and marriage; 3 - insists that you do too many traditional male roles while secretly harboring (may not even know it herself) a lack respect toward you which leads to divorce; 4 - her chronic use of a cell phone with not enough off time will lead to her or your polgymy; 5 - as long as you have money she will forgive most 'sins' you have so . . . when you lose the money she leave you for apparently other reasons I love you my grandson so beware." Using a male doctor ( the only male tha is a man in our world) as speaker and teenage male behavoir as a knock down dummy makes no point at all other than to note that the woman who buy this viewr is a girl!

can someone explain rule #3, are you supposed to be on the same page or not?

The video said, "diversify", and the video is telling you what NOT to do. Therefore, do NOT diversify. That is, do NOT have irreconcilable differences. In the video, the man does not want to have children, while the woman does; that is a recipe for disaster.

Just jump to the end of the book. You'll find the butler did it.

Very informative for singles about to be married

This video is very good because it points out some very real troubles that can beset a marriage. You can have a sucessful marriage and be very different people and personalities, however both persons have to be more committed than ever to commit to the marital state and not give up on each other, otherwise the marriage is doomed for failure. Like all marriages, it is one day at a time and hopefully the small steps you both take together will take you upwards perhaps not straight up but up, and hopefully for the rest of your life.

I loved it!! Hit the bulls eye with that one.

Very nicely put. It is so true. Hollywood teaches 'Lust', NOT REALITY

While I get the point of this video and agree with the underlying theme, it is dangerous if someone takes this without a grain of salt. Yes, too much diversity is bad, but you should not throw away a shidduch the minute you see something that doesn't fit perfectly with you. Yes, character flaws need to be taken into consideration, but small flaws are natural to every person and you can't judge every misstep on a date as being the deciding factor in your choice to marry. No, Lust is not the end all be all, but Hashem created it for a reason and that reaon is not solely the yetzer hara. Don't get married if you aren't attracted to your partner in a big way! (I mean that both physically and personality-wise). I t will not just work itself out once you're married. Dating should be about relationship building, not scoring.

Don't get married if you aren't attracted to your partner in a big way! (I mean that both physically and personality-wise). I t will not just work itself out once you're married. Ok here's the most naive poll in the history of the world, for the women only, do you agree with this; it would be useful to state your age, and if married, for how long thank you

I was not attracted to my husband physically at all before marriage. The first time I felt anything was at our wedding while standing next to him taking pictures. However I had utmost respect for him and also saw that he had a sense of humor and a personality that I could appreciate. We are B"H married 12 years with a family and have a very happy marriage including a wonderfuly physical relationship.

Great counseling tool for premarital counseling. Sews some seeds for discussion.

This was so true. I ignored that first rule... making excuses for his bizarre behavior I saw early on- and plenty of people around me made excuses for his behavior too. Shadchanim, rabbis and well-meaning frum people in the neighborhood too- beware of this. Don't tell young, dating people who see serious issues that "nobody's perfect" or they are "being too picky" or "maybe you read them wrong", etc. because you contribute to the problem!

too many women and men ignore, the tell tale signs of a wrong relationship

This was a very well done presentation! Definitely illustrates how love can indeed be blind...

As always, you got the point across in a very creative and interesting way! Very good video (and good information too!!)

cute

I have personal experience on this topic, I grew up with that couple only they're still married and their children have to put up with their endless arguements. Fortunately their grand-children are smarter, they stay away from their grand-parents!

Great job. Let me add another way to ensure a bad marriage. 1. Let your parents select a mate. They are much smarter than you and know exactly what you want and need. If dad says little Sophie Shabotkin has a father with a lot of money, that's a great reason to marry her. Note rich people freely welcome new family members into their business and have tremendous trust for outsiders and new members. Wealth can help a marriage survive long after unimportant things like love, compatibility, and common interests fade.

I am chassidish, and the most common question I receive from Non observant jews is-How did you meet your husband?!?! Well, as u might know, a matchmaker referred someone from the same community, my parents did the checking and information and when that satisfied them I was able to meet him and decide IF I want to marry him-I was not forced at all! We met twice, I liked him and got married. Oh, How old I was? 19-That is the average marriage age by chassidim. And how come Chassidim have the lowest divorce rate? I think its because we both get married young and are automatically, grow up together. I thank hashem everyday that I did not have to be the one deciding if the match is appropriate and did not have to wait till I am 30, much more settled and open minded, and have a much harder time settling for someone else.

While being matched up at a young age undoubtedly brings with it many benefits, such as ensuring similar religious stances, and perhaps even common backgrounds, there are disadvantages which must not be ignored. Divorce may happen more in secular environments, but this is not necessarily because those involved are unable to invest properly. While it is of course permissible to part ways from an abusive spouse, for example, the question is whether the opportunity to have found this out about a respective fatal flaw prior to marriage. That perhaps if one would have seen their spouse in a wider variety of situations, and not just all spruced up in a hotel lobby they would have been able to ascertain such truths. Perhaps we have to widen our views everso slightly and realise that maybe getting to know our spouses in a greater variety of situations, within reason, may be protective in problems which are incurred amongst ALL circles, equally.

just because the divorce rate in the chassidic community is the lowest- it by no means gives any implication about the rate of happy marriages... it well could be that a) divorce is not a realistic option in that community or b) the standards of the phrase "happily married" are simply different, and what a chassidic couple comes to expect from a marriage is quite different than what other people hope to achieve in their marriage... i always wonder how could it be that it takes about half a year for young couples to sign a mortgage- after checking every option and making sure they get the best terms possibe- and yet when it comes to the very most important decision in one's life- well, that can be closed after two meetings without hardly getting to actually know the person. any insites???

Maybe I didn't mention that I am BH happily married, and divorce IS a realistic option when its necessary! We all know that a lot of divorces happen for the silliest reasons and can be prevented provided they are willing to go for the right help. And can you explain how you get to know your husband better by dating for a half a year in lobbies where he is on his best behavior. The mortgage metaphor is true-The difference is that our PARENTS do the background checks-sometimes that does take a half a year, instead of just meeting someone thats recommended, going out with him for half a year and trying to decide like that. It just makes more sense and I am sure glad I didn't have to meet countless young men, and then the decision would have to be up to me alone. I would probably still be single.

Flying home I sat next to a Pilot, we made friends and he left me with one saying. "Rather be the one down here wishing you are up there than be the one up there wishing you were down here" Marriage should be treated like fkying "Be sure you are ready and have the right partner before take off, up there is the wrong place to find out you are youve got a wrong partner".

This is so good !!! Keep the videos comming...

I love it, I love it, I love it! Looking forward to seeing the sequel!

This is another reason why love doesn't conquer all. Excellent satire. It's best to be either 100% certain, mutually, to love someone you know you'll last with or just remain single. There's clearly a lot of truth that if one is miserably single, then one will be miserably married as well.

Should we share?

Farce marriages are an epidemic in our community.Singles are pressured into settling down and matrimony as young as 18 primarily due to peer pressure. Single girls over the age of 21 are branded as old maids and are undesirable. If they are past the age of 22, then its hopeless for them.We have people telling us what we should be looking for rather than going by our instincts. We are indoctrinated on the false premise that there are 3 important components in order to qualify for a shidduch are yichus,wealth, and charisma.There must be chemistry the first round or its a deal breaker.If the girl is not a size 2 then she is fat.If he is 5"9 then he is short.If she goes to see movies and reads novels, then her character is questionable.If the guy works and has a college degree then he is too secularized and not frum enough.If her parents are not prominent community figures, then she must be mediocre.If his annual income is less than 50,000 dollars then he is financially unstable.Most 18 to 20 year are not mature or prepared to undertake the responsibilities that entail in a marriage.They are mostly concerned about the wedding gown and the new status symbol.That is when chaos ensues. Parental interference doesn't help matters.Its only exacerbates the problem.If you feel that your child is old enough to get married, then you should be able to trust his/her judgment.I've seen many matches that didn't go through and happy relationships terminated because of parental disapproval.Most parents want whats best for their children and wish nothing else than to see them happy.But too much unwanted intervention can be very frustrating for the person's dating prospects.Parents need to give their kids some space and allow them to make decisions for themselves. If you want to stop the crisis then stop being part of the crisis.

I totally agree with you!

Could not agree with you more. Perfect description.

I think that your rant is a bit garbled. First you say that the young are forced to settle, then you say that nothing is good enough... Not sure where you are coming from. I think that by-and-large the frumm system of shidduchim and marriage has been very successful. Divorce, while unfortunately not uncommon, is certainly not as prevalent as in the secular world. Young people do need to take responsibility for their future, but they need help and no one will have their best interest in mind like thier parents. I think that you are exagerating the truth to the point of absurdity and I have not seen that it has become absurd in reality. Although, there is room for improvement and there is nothing wrong with disceminating information in your community or getting a shiur on shidduchim for parents.

I am speaking from experience and the shidduch system is not squeaky keen and flawless as you make it out to be. You refer to my comments as being rant while I was just stating facts. You are obviously delusional about the reality or you forgot what it was like being single.You were probably married off too young to remember.Perhaps you had an easy journey but you don't speak for others.I suppose if you don't have much expectations and trust your parents to handle your future then the shidduch system may work for someone like you. I have been through the system and it was an absolute failure.I have been rejected for many reasons, a lot were due to parental interference.I wasn't adequate for everyone so I took matters into my own hands.Plus I didn't have the patience to wait 3 weeks to get an approval to date a guy because of the evasive background checking.By the time the process was completed, I was no longer interested. I met and dated my husband through a social event.We didn't have to worry about conniving parents prying about and now we are happily married as a result.I wouldn't change a thing about it.People still inquire about dress sizes,height/weight,income and whether the candidates parents use plastic or silver wear on Shabbos.Some even have the audacity to ask about the person's developmental milestones.Since when it was such a stigma be be completely potty trained by 4 and what pertinence does it still have if you are 24? There are plenty people I know under the age of 24 who have used the "fool proof" shidduch system been divorced before their anniversary.They are not alone.So it doesn't necessarily guarantee happy marriages.I should be able to marry who I want whenever I want without some conniving parent prying into my confidential information and asking ridiculous questions about me.I should be regarded as an adult who is capable of making responsible decisions independently for myself and my parents should respect that.End of story!!

A story I've heard many times...it's always the parents fault. You clearly had a rough experience so you also don't speak for everyone either. I hope you feel better now that you let off all your anger.

I take it you've been through the shidduch system and found your husband that way. I'm happy that it worked out for you. I was just sharing my experiences.You like to think that the shidduch system is the best alternative and I guess me being critical made you slightly uncomfortable which I understand. I wasn't implying that those who use that dating method are setting themselves up for failure.Nor was I ridiculing them either. I was just being honest and perhaps a bit too abrasive.I've been through the system and had a difficult time for many reasons- one of them being meddlesome parents and shadchanim who were useless. I was 20 when I entered the "parsha". I wasn't interested in getting married at that time ; let alone didn't want to date for marriage. I would have rather concentrated in my schooling and career.I wasn't about to allow communal pressure to interfere with my decision making. All I wanted was companionship which would hopefully evolve to marriage later on. Dating for 2 months, let alone seeing a guy for only 2 days would have not given me enough time to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with him or not.People who use the system date for the sole purpose of getting married and therefore expect everything to be instantaneous.This is why people feel they are within their liberties to be selective and finicky.There is no room to develop a relationship with the person you are dating since a boyfriend/girlfriend companionship are non existent in the black hat frum world.Although I'm still Orthodox, I left that world for a good reason and have no intentions of going back.Sorry, but if I wanted to compete with 25 other girls over the same guy, I would have joined "The Bachelor".I don't need a shadchan for that.I had to break some of the "dating rules" to find my soul mate and it was worth it.I would have never agreed to have gone through the shidduch system had I known what I was up against but bygones are bygones.

I think that it's a mistake to give a positive review based on the premise that it's the better of the worse. The Rabbis, spiritual, and communal leaders need to actually collaborate on how to introduce a new, relevant, and effective approach rather than just to continue going with the status quo because "we've had it for such a long time...and look after all it's better in our eyes than the alternative". Not going to float in my book. The whole situation is akin to a situation of "preying on the masses who are trusting these so called spiritual and life religious leaders for guidance and are being misled. It has to change.

I am a happily married seemingly religious Jewish guy and I can assure everyone that based on my observations of the state of the more religious Jewish community's divorces and incompatible marriages - it is 100% the sad reality. I have sadly observed and listened to these stories myself and based on all the facts - these are often times what's behind the failed or unhappy marriage. As a general rule, people these days are not independent or life mature at the over the hill old age of 20 or 21. Western society now-adays is in child-hood mode pretty much until the age of 30 if not longer. This applies pretty much equally to both the guys and the girls. Look at the television shows and movies that are being made. They are somewhat of a reflection of society. That situation does infiltrate to a large extent into the Jewish religious world. All I can say based on my observation is if the Rabbis, the spiritual, or the communal leaders whom the members of the Jewish religious communities are looking toward for proper life guidance are going to continue to turn a blind eye, they are doing the people they are leading a grave and devastating disservice. I would go as far as saying that I think that it may very well come to fall under the prohibition of "before a blind person do not put a stumbling block" as it does other cases of individuals being misled by other individuals into whom they are putting their trust. In my opinion it is almost akin as a shepherds either leading or allowing their sheep to be led on the path to the slaughter house instead of intervening. Please think about what has been happening in society. Please think about human nature. People are still people and as much as they can try to ignore general culture, it is still going to be influential in forming who they are, as will Judaism. That ever sensitive combination can be subject to high forces of friction and unguided can cause dangerous degree burns.

Funny and well done. And also very true...