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Partly Jewish?

Partly Jewish?

Most children raised in interfaith families lack the tools and knowledge to make informed choices.


This past Friday Susan Katz Miller wrote an impassioned piece for the New York Times entitled “Being Partly Jewish.” In response to the alarming results of the recent Pew study on American Jews, Mrs. Miller asserts that children in interfaith families are not lost to Judaism. She writes: “In the course of a year, my family celebrates Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, Sukkot, Simhat Torah, Hanukkah, Passover and many Shabbats. We also celebrate All Saint’s Day and All Souls, Advent, Christmas, Lent and Easter.” The article asserts that by exposing children to different religions, they will be able to choose their beliefs for themselves.

Mrs. Miller claims that dual faith parenting is an exercise in letting go. But would we ‘let go’ of our children in any other area that we truly care about?

My parents raised me to reach for academic excellence. How did they do this? They sent me to private schools with rigorous curriculums. They made sure I did my homework. They praised my high marks and expressed disappointment when I worked below my potential. When I was in high school, my father took me to visit his alma mater, the Wharton School of Business. I’ll never forget sitting on the empty bleachers with my father in the Hutch gym at the University of Pennsylvania on that visit. He told me,: “This is your legacy. But, as you know, Ivy League legacies aren’t just passed down. You have to earn it. If you want to attend this school, then you need to spend the next four years working for it.”

And I did. But the choice that I made to get there was an informed one. My parents had given me years of the best education possible. If I was weak in a subject, they hired a tutor. I spent hours in SAT prep courses. I was given the opportunity to take advanced placement courses.

Without a strong Jewish education, there simply is no informed choice.

But what if my parents had told me that an Ivy League education was a nice idea but a high school diploma was a fine choice too? And what if they had taken me for occasional visits to the University of Pennsylvania without giving me the kind of education that would make it possible for me to gain entry into the school at all? What if they had showed me around the beautiful campus a few times a year and forgot about the SATs altogether? Would I really have had a choice then?

This is what it is like when a child has only the most basic, superficial knowledge of Judaism. The campus looks impressive. The students are brilliant. The professors seem to have so much to teach. But what does any of it have to do with me?

And if the high school diploma is a choice that is equally valued by my parents then why would I choose the more challenging path of a college degree? Without a strong Jewish education, there simply is no informed choice. Most children raised in interfaith families are skimming the surfaces of conflicting beliefs without the tools or the knowledge to be able to examine their own choices.

And even if a person is informed and ready to make a real choice, what does it mean to be ‘partly Jewish?’ Can I be partly married? On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I’ll be married. And on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday and maybe Saturday, I’ll be single? It’s absurd because by definition, commitment is whole. We don’t give only half of our hearts to anything that we care about. We can’t know the depth of love that is possible in a marriage before we make an absolute commitment to another person. So too, we will never know the truth of the Torah and the beauty of Judaism if in our hearts, we think we are only ‘partly Jewish.’ (It bears mentioning that according to Jewish law, there is no such thing as ‘partly Jewish.’ If your mother is a Jew, you are totally Jewish, like it or not.)

Moreover, young children do not make these kinds of commitments. They absorb the values and ideas in their homes, but the real commitments come later in life when they set out on their own. Even children from the most observant homes will eventually have to make their own choices to commit to Judaism. This happened to me when I finally arrived at the Quad freshman dormitory at University of Pennsylvania. I felt free for the first time in my life. No curfew. No rules. No one questioning my decisions.

So I experimented. I kept kosher. I went to Hillel on Shabbos. But on every Thursday and Saturday night, I went partying with the rest of the kids in my dorm. I searched for truth and questioned my beliefs. But I was lucky. I had been given a Jewish day school education; without that, I wouldn’t have had the beliefs or the knowledge to be able to examine them. And when the good-looking, Catholic football player sitting next to me in Philosophy 101 asked me out, I didn’t say no because I felt like I was ‘forced’ to be Jewish. I said no because I had the ability to make an informed choice and an authentic commitment.

I wanted Judaism, and I wanted all of it. Today, I am a psychologist. I am a writer. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am not ‘partly’ any of these identities, and I am not ‘partly Jewish’ either. Instead I am blessed with wholeness. I am a whole Jew for my whole life because my parents cared enough about Judaism to give me a real choice.

November 3, 2013

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Visitor Comments: 86

(57) Beatrice, December 11, 2016 3:32 AM

yes., And

Yes., And coming from a mixed marriage and also i don't know if i've survived about three brainwashing programs-one of which was Christian, the others Left., tand Psychiatry., i' would lilike to offer the vieew from someone whose experienced this stuff: Jewish religious eduation, together with emotional and practical support for who this child is., as an individual. That "Jewish"., is a religion only.m and not a historical people., i think might be debatable. That there's no genetic substantion for 'Jewish', i think might be debatable also. I'd like to offer that: Jews can be: soldiers., mechanics., kibbtzim, engineers., farmers., artists., musicians., and that all of these qualities are valid and that they have evidence in history that Jewish people had these occupations and professions. Insisting that a child be an academic anda PH.D., etc., and that this is the only valid choice, along with the pressures that go along with this. has led to a lot of departure from all things Jewish for many people. Along with a rise in mental and emotional troubles.And 'Psychiatry".

(56) Anonymous, June 10, 2016 4:31 PM

living with the consequences

The consequences are disastrous.
If anyone has any ideas of how to deal with them, for the repentant Jewish mother, please share.
Living with the fallout is unbearable.

(55) VARDA KAHALANY, May 16, 2016 5:04 PM

My view of your article

I just would like to point out a few things... The example of the college versus high school is not so much accurate or objective because this is YOUR subjective point of view when you compare two religions . You also assume that the faith of the parents is not a real issue which they care for, basing it on the fact that instead of going deep with one religion they confuse their child by experiencing two religions, eliminating the possibility of gaining a deep knowledge of Judaism so they are missing out its real meaning. I believe that people are different and whatever works for one, not necessary will work to an other... Even in observant Jewish families where all the kids are raised in the same way, sometimes one of them goes on a different path..... On the other hand, I personally know kids who grew up in not observant Jewish families, or mixed religion families and they chose the way of observant Judaism. So I think that what worked for you, not necessary works for someone else...Some people just want to esquire and explore additional options and make their choices. The most important thing is the way we behave to each other and the 'midot' we demonstrate in our daily life, and not so much the 'name' of the religion to which we belong. The Judaism is full of wisdom, this is true, but you must allow to every person - even if it is your child - to learn, explore and decide by himself. Every human being has his own life path, non Jews too, every human being is a creation of God and has a spark of God as part of himself which will guide him regardless the religion to which he\she belongs by birth. Some of us are more connected to this inner spark and others less, but at the end all humanity will feel this connection and act by this guidance. We should strive to create unity and understanding and not division. So, when a family is mixed, it is only natural and helpful to give the children both the perspectives.

(54) Beverly Kurtin, April 17, 2014 7:50 PM

My granddaughters...

They know they are Jewish as they were born of a Jewish mother, my daughter. But they need me to spend some time with them to help them become active as Jews. Being mulato, they are gorgeous (you expect a Jewish buby to say anything less?) and it is my hope that they will raise their children to be Jews.
My son's son is lost to Judaism. I've not seen him in over a decade because of a falling out with his father. But he is lost to us.
Yes, I mourn the loss of any Jew, particularly one who is lost due to mixed marriage.
It is sad, very sad. What with is going on in the Ukraine, making Jews once again register themselves and declaring their property, and in France...the United States will eventually turn on Israel and subsequently her Jews. It is a sad time for humanity.
NEVER AGAIN? It is happening.

(53) alesandra, February 4, 2014 7:38 PM

Losing Jewish Legacy

I have personally experienced the down side of what you are talking about. My Jewish great, great Grandmother, a Cohen, had changed the spelling of her name and emigrated to America in order to survive religious persecution in Ireland. She emigrated to a Religious colony in Chillicothe, Ohio, probably with all good intentions of remaining Jewish. Unfortunately, that did not happen. I have spent many years trying to get back in. I emigrated to Israel with all three of my children after my non Jewish husband divorced me. We successfully lived in an Orthodox community. We went to Shul. We practiced all the feast days. I worked at the Chabbad House in the Rova. I desperately tried to get a conversion that would allow me to marry a Jew and keep my Jewish status but, alas, that never happened. Now my three beautiful children are lost souls to Judaism and are assimilated into Gentile communities because we were deported by refusal to allow us to.stay and convert. I am forced to stay alone in a single state because I refuse to marry or even date nonJew.

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