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When one pays a shiva call, the focus is on comforting the mourners in their time of greatest grief. Traditionally, one enters the shiva house quietly with a small knock so as not to startle those inside. No one needs to greet visitors; they simply enter on their own.
Food or drinks are not laid out for the visitors, because the mourners are not hosts. They do not greet the visitors, rise for them, or see them out.
When entering the house, you should not greet the mourners. In fact, it is best to come in silently and sit down close to them. Take your cue from the mourners. If they feel like speaking, let them indicate it by speaking first. Let them lead and talk about what they want to talk about. It is best to speak about the one who has passed away, and if you have any stories or memories to share with the mourner, this is the time to do so.
This is not a time to distract them from mourning. Out of nervousness, we often make small talk because we do not know what to say. Don't fill in the time talking about happy subjects or inconsequential topics like politics or business.
Often, the best thing to say is nothing. A shiva call can sometimes be completely silent. If the mourner does not feel like talking at that time, so be it. Your goal is not to get them to talk; it is to comfort them. Your presence alone is doing that. By sitting there silently, you are saying more than words can. You are saying: "I am here for you. I feel your pain. There are no words."
And sometimes there aren't any. Here are examples of things not to say:
• "How are you?" (They're not so good.)
• "I know how you feel." (No you don't. Each person feels a unique loss.)
• "At least she lived a long life." (Longer would have been better.)
• "It's good that you have other children," or, "Don't worry, you'll have more." (The loss of a child, no matter what age, is completely devastating.)
• "Cheer up – in a few months you'll meet someone new." (He/she has just lost the other half of their soul!)
• "Let's talk about happy things." (Maybe later.)
Remember that speaking about the loved one they lost is comforting. It's alright if they cry; they are in mourning. It is all part of the important process of coming to grips with such a loss.
You should not overstay your visit. Twenty minutes will suffice. When other visitors arrive and space is a concern, it is certainly time to leave.
Before leaving, one stands up, approaches the mourner and recites, "HaMakom yenacheim etchem betoch sha'ar aveiliei Tzion v'Yerushalayim" -- May the Almighty comfort you among those who mourn for Zion and Jerusalem. One can read this phrase from a sheet of paper.
Upon leaving the house of the mourner, it is customary to give charity in memory of the one who passed away, may his soul be elevated.
_(english).gif "4 Misconceptions Jews Have About Judaism")
(15) Anonymous , January 11, 2009
the importance of later communication
Those who wrote about the importance of maintaining contact with the family after the shiva hit the nail on the head. My grandmother was nifteres a few months back, and every now and then we get calls from people, checking up on us to see how we are. Even if people don't do anything per se, the caring makes a difference. Someone I know recently lost her husband. While one of my reasons for keeping in touch with her is for my own benefit, I also want her to know that I care. Another important point, in connection to a previous comment: people like to hear memories about their relative, even later on. Of course, you have to judge the situation to know when to speak. Some people asked me, "How old was your grandmother?" and then, "That's young." Well, thanks. How is that going to help anything? Okay, to each their own . . .
(14) Anonymous , December 2, 2008
woops
yeah ,i went to a shiva last month and thought i was supposed to make as many brachos as possible because the only shiva call ive ever been to was sephardic so i picked up a piece a food..and then some one told me not to eat their food it was very embarresing to say the least.
(13) Anonymous , November 8, 2008
Great advice
This is a great article. I would just like to add that mourners need support after Shiva is over. After my father passed away, we had many visitors and phone calls during shiva, but afterwards there was nothing. I remember how lonely and hurt my mother felt - at the time she was feeling alone and vulnerable after losing her other half, and having to deal with changes in her financial situation, she got no support from friends. A weekly phone call and occasional visit can make a big difference.
(12) Anonymous , November 7, 2008
I would like to quote a well known Rav who has spoken on this topic. LISTEN and SILENT contain the same letters. Let us hope and pray that individuals will never need to refer to this information.
(11) BTDT , November 4, 2008
Don't critique!
I've recently read complaints from people who were upset because the mourners were not good hosts. No, those were not the exact words, but that's exactly what it came down to. I found it incredible. Also, do NOT critique the care the niftar received, the levaya or anything else related. Don't even ask questions like "did she get good care?" etc. If there were any problems, you can be sure that the family is hurting enough over the issue. And, unless you were privy to every part of every decision that was made, you really are not in any position to judge. Besides, even if you are 100% correct, there is NO practical point, so no justification for the hurt it causes.