Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Thanks so much for posting this.... you saved my life. Im 22 years of age and im engaged.... I don't think i will be getting married no time soon after reading this......

I have been married for a year and a half now. We have a 10 month old and expecting our second child in only a few months. It's so true how this article warns you about controlling and abusive behaviors. As women, we somehow love so much that we brush things off and allow ourselves to be treated as much less than we deserve... I have been abused physically and emotionally throughout the whole marriage but TODAY I refuse to take any more of it. I must stop allowing his abusive ways to become normal to me. This marriage has affected my mental health greatly and it's a struggle every day to feel okay. I plead with all women or men out there. Don't wait until it's too late. I've ended up in the emergency room getting 11 stitches on my face. My children are too dear to me and I need to be strong for them. I truly believe that God will provide for me and my children. I hope everyone reading this will not have to face the same pain.

i been were you r or were and its no fun loving a person they r beyond something happening to them so he type of person and i tells him all the times that it will hit you in your face later.cause will loss someone who loves and you willfill the pain rite died in your heart.

Please get out of this marriage as fast as possible before you get hurt further or killed. This is a very dangerous situation. First and foremost take care of yourself and your children. This treatment is not acceptable and tolerable for you to get 11 stitches. If you are still in this relationship, I advise you to tell your parents and press charges on your husband. He should never ever hurt you or your children. There should be zero tolerance for this abuse. I advice you to get out of the relationship and get some help and counseling. I pray that God to give you courage and your children. Be Strong and of good courage for the battle is the Lord.

I encourage you to seek help from your local domestic violence center.It sounds like you are in a serious situation.

Thank god always...for guiding you to the site. Glad you will pull yourself out of the dark whole. I feel very very sympathy to hear you have little ones and they are so young. Never too late, your future is bright. Best of luck dear.

Thank u sir, although already in the shoe of making a wrong choice what should i do please

It's all laid out clearly... my husband and I didn't put everything on the table before we got married. I follwed him to Israel, but I really didn't want to move here. We never agreed on where to live, but we just brushed it under the table. Two years after our wedding and we're having the same fights. Now we've put out the cards--he wants to stay here no matter what. I'm the one who has to decide if I can tolerate life here or if I want to start my life over. Sometimes two people can have compatible personalities, even respect each other, but disagree on how they want to spend their lives. I hope others read this article before they marry into a complicated situation.

Like I have been told many times: "if its not broken don't fix it". If we meet someone we think we can change that means we think they are broken. Why would we marry someone who is broken. We already have a problem with how we view/see this person. We must not be desperate to get married, we have to maintain dignity and self-respect. Chessed starts at home and we cannot allow ourselves to marry if we are questioning him/her or ourselves and intentions.

Thank for the insight!!

Written with clarity, wisdom, and well worth following this perceptive advice. Must be obligatory reading before making one of the biggest decision of one' s life!

thx for giving as such informations that will really help me to make my one decesion for me am an arabic girl am so young am just 19 and ther'is this guy who is a member of my family he is older then me he is about 31 and i can say that is a very traditional marriage he is on hurry and my family is encouraging me but i can't stop doubting about my future with him i still have studies to do and he is ok with that but i don't know am not confortable with all the realtion he won't us to get marri in a year but iy heart keep telling me don't i guess i 've made my decision thx to this article thx a lot and may god help me in my decision

I think I just found my reasons why I married my husband right now, I felt irresponsible of putting my happiness in jeopardy. There isn't love in our relationship and he doesn't know hoe to genuinely show it. For short he don't meet my spiriutal, emotional, physical and mental needs and expectations. He is my childhood friend and I admire him a lot since we were young and I chose him over my great 6 years boyfried to be married with. Yet I feel dissapointed with my self and unhappy. We are just 4 months married and I am suspeting to be pregnant. Yet it's been 4 months of living a life without peace in m heart and being exposed to a lot of situation of being hurt.

I'm so grateful to you sir. I'm 21. I'm not thinking of marriage right now. But this is going to help me a lot. I'm a grateful I read this early. I really do love you sir. Thank you

Great to the point and super informative. Also, it reflects on the what not to do vs. what to do. I like this approach beter. I will keep this close!

I wish I would have read this before getting married :p It might have helped me in telling the "truth". One of the best articles on personal relations. Brilliant.. Brilliant stuff.

i have to say a big thank you for a wonderful writeup.am sure it quite cuts acros all and just very much is the truth.

i dont knowis it possible for me to ask personaly question and give advice here or not ?

I married for all the wrong reason. We have no compatibility, we are separate in goals, activity and duty. We are more like roommates. I regret marrying someone that is not spiritually sound. We do not speal a lot to each other unless its necessary. Very rarely we laugh about something our share ideas or inner thoughts. I am a christian and divorce is not an option. I wish this never happened.

You reflect me...

This is a cogent, sensible article that people of any faith (or lack thereof) could find useful in making this important decision. However, Rabbi Heller really ought to be more forthcoming about the Judaism-centric stance behind #5. The first 2 sentences in the first paragraph of #5 are equally or even more compelling when preceded it with "Lack of". Marrying young is strongly correlated with a higher rate of divorce. Entering marriage with the wrong person or too soon, fueled by a hormonal or immature urge to experience something forbidden by the moral convention of the community is not a desirable state of affairs. Judaism will eventually have to face this problem with more than simple admonitions to stay chaste, as the need for more education and financial uncertainty prolongs the age of first marriage.

Even already married people can benefit from this list. If you have weak spots in your relationship outlined by these points, WORK on them! Good relationships just don't fall into our laps, folks! You have to construct them and support them. Anything great in this life takes serious strain on our part to create, changing old expectations that never worked always helps. Although I do NOT agree with the "soul mate is a goal mate" definition, which isn't spiritually what a soul mate is, I will say that many people go through life without being married to their soul mate (who may or may not be able to show up given their own life mission on Earth) and these non-soul mates still have great relationships because they work at the differences and promote the things they have in common.

Why is it that good advice like this only pops up after people get into a bad marriage? Wish I would of known that pior to my lifeless marriage.

It's too late for me to read this article. Anyway, thanks for sharing. Too bad, I fell into all this trap. I've got a son 1 1/2 yrs old. Too lately to realised it. I've lost confidence in my marriage now.

I too am in the same position as u I wish I could turn the table but too late I have a kid of three n I feel like am alone in this world n no one there

Exact true! But never cared those tips, yet I now see their MEANING thou too late. Thanks.

I jumped right in and now jumping back out is not so easy. Thanks for the great advice and I hope plenty of people see this acticle and it's sinks in.There would be fewer divorces.

THANKS for this article now my mind are CLEAR that the person im with now is not really the one for me!! and that he is the WRONG MAN!!!

Thanks, very interesting -& I as feel - useful. Good Luck.

Wish I read this earlier - a lot of good common sense advice that appears obvious in retrospect but not obvious when it happens.

you be providing related side

This is an amazing article!!! Thank you for giving us so much necessary info in such an inspiring way. Each of the ideas expressed is so important. If the reader takes these ides seriously he/she will be on the road to happiness. About getting intimate to soon; this is very important bc you need to know someone on a certain level BEFORE going further. I followed this and have never had any regrets. And happiness comes from your self, not from anywhere else.

even though i am not Jewish, i can agree with almost all of these things. it hurts too much right now. but i agree, women need consistent and constant attention, to know we are loved, to be emotionally safe. there is nothing worse within a relationship where u feel ur going to lose this person anytime , no matter how hard u work out, no matter how much u earn, no matter how beautiful u are, there will always be someone else who is more on that, and it hurts to be feeling on ur toes all the time. being on your toes is fine, it helps get rid of being complacent, but being on your toes all the time, yes, like if u do it literally, its painful and nobody deserves it.

You say: "Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce." Sex is cited as one of the most common reasons for divorce after money issues. One site of many supporting this claim: http://www.top10stop.com/lifestyle/top-10-reasons-for-divorce-and-marriage-breakdowns-stats-from-the-us I would like to hear your studies that support your argument that physical compatibility (i.e., sex) is not one of the main reasons for divorce.

I think what the auther was saying is that if the couple are truly compatible, respectful and are passionately in love with each other all of those things will naturally tie in together and making love wil l ultimately work out. How can you base your "love" toward your lover on how well your partner performs sexually. I don't think I could turn off love because of that. That is wrong and couldn't happen. Please re-read and understand his meaning in a deeper sense.

I feel like Linda But, He has a way of manipulating the situation to where i feel it is all my fault to see his way of thing never wanting to compromise with me! !4 years of the same old thing and now i have so much resentment towards him. I really don't know how to shake it loose! I'm done arguing about him not being what I need for a change. I have completely lost myself in this relationship and I want my power back! Please Help Me!!!!!

I know how you feel. You aren't alone. Not quite sure what to do about it. Any ideas?

Therapy is the best way to express how you feel with him there. That is the only suggestion I have. You give it six months and if its the same old with not even a desire to change from him, you should probably move on.

Great piece. So many things said are only too true but my concern is somewhat more superficial. I consider myself a decent person however, I am dating a man who I care for very much but I cannot seem to get over his weight. He is obese but carries himself well is hardworking and motivated. On the downside he is also impatient and loud. He really wants to get married and some of my friends and family think I might be settling. Is it wrong of me to care about his size so much? I am a health conscious size 4/6 and am considered attractive. I'd really appreciate any thoughtful insights as I feel like it has gone on too long and I need to make a decision either way.

If it bothers you now it will eat you alive after you are married. You have to address this with him and see what he does if anything to fix it. You owe him to truth and you more importantly you owe it to yourself.

The first question should be, Do you love him? You said you care for him, that is not the same as Love, if you do not love him,that is sin. And if you do love him, you need to tell him what your concerns are, you already know that you are superficial, so Pray about it, help him to help himself and if Love is the true driving factor, you will find the way.

Love, if it is true love, cannot be turned off or on. Express to him that his weight is a concern of yours due to health issues. Let him know how you feel about him but God forbid you wouldn't be able to handle the loss if he got ill or died from his obesity. He may just need some good encouragment from someone whom he loves and trusts.

I read this and identified a number of things i didnt look for.I am married to an immature bully,who verbally abuses me and my children every single day, he says things to me like " your kids cant stand you and dont want to be around you " I am an excellent mother and keep a beautiful home and also work as he wont share his money . I am waiting for my son to finish school and then i will only have my youngest daughter and then i will escape ( 4 more years ). btw he makes out he is a good jewish guy. He lies to himself everyday.

Ok... but now that I realize that I really HAVE married the wrong person, what do I do?

The article is very tinely, precise and articulate to me. God bless u author

Few people can argue with the aforementioned information. It is pure gold. The downside is, however, that singles are often very lonely people and so badly want to connect with another person in an intimate and emotional way that they overlook the shortcomings in others. The result? They fall in and the outcome is, unfortunately, a disaster. Looking back, it was an unwise decision. At the time, it felt good. Sort of like a drug. Don't forget that negtive behaviour is also an addiction that is so ofen repeated again and again. Such is the frailty of us all.......to varying degrees. God Bless.

I loved the advice.. However I wish I read this before.being divorced at 20 with a baby is horrible n kills the dream of having a family. I hope I do find my prince

I'm getting married to my boy's father in 28 days and he is a good guy. I Love him. Never fell head over heels but we get along so well, we are learning to get over the fights quickly!

Reading the article helped me to realize I did the right hing recently breaking off my engagement. I could not discuss wedding plns nor even think about it. I would say no plans yet. He wanting the easy way out started shouting at me that we need to live in my others house here I currently live with one of my adult daughters whom is in college. I must say it is soo much more difficult the scond time around. People really need to tryto fix their marriages and stay together for the kids unless life threatening. Second time around so much to fight about so many others to consider and the blame ispassed back and forth. I sure hope their is a loving man out their for me b c I do have a lot of love to give.

I have been married twice and this is the best advice I have ever seen. In the book, The Road Less Travel, the author said after infatuation is gone, and it will go, you are left with the real substance of the relationship. If more people would ask and honestly answer the questions for their selves before they get married, more marriage would last. My ex says she woke up one day and was no longer in love. I believe if she had really looked at the person she was marrying in the ways you describe, this would not have happened 7 years and two beautiful children later. In my situation, I wish she had looked at #8 and #9

Reading "Getting Married The Right Way" confirmed that we approaching entering into a Covenant relationship in the right way. We are in our sixties and desire to live out the rest of our years as a couple.

Thank You so much for a very practical tips to help me choosing a nearly perfectly apposite nature girl for me.... this article is like TADAA...... Thank You so much !

I think it is all very good advice. There are so many people in this world and we all have the same needs and it is a shame when it can't be worked out.

Imade the same mistake twice I chose, it seems like, men with a painfull child hood, unable to be warm and loving, with a resentment with life, always covered by a shell, not wanting to be hurt, I guess. .I'm not bitter i'm most puzzled, why twice? it has to be something wrong with me, or is just my luck? God knows. I feel a lot better now, I never told any one about this. Thank you. PS send me an email.

Hi Dear.i also made the same mistake twice. I'm now stuck on my second marriage because I don't have the guts to leave,people will think there's something wrong with me. He's emotionally abusive snd it's killing me inside, just wanna get the courage to be strong.

Hi Anonymous, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, to make a mistake twice but not having it be your fault to begin with. I almost made that same mistake but broke my engagement before it was to late. It is four years past my broken engagement and I'm still single. I still get thoughts of what would happen if I made the same mistake twice, what will people think? I just keep telling myself to ignore everyone around me and do what's best for me because this is my life and I don't care what someone else thinks. Easier said then done, no?;) Be strong!! One think that helped me were good mentors who would guide me. Don't be afraid to seek help don't pay attention to stupid people around you, this is your life and you deserve a good husband!

i wish i had heard this advice years ago ....its great

This is one of the best articles I have read on this topic. When we are choosing a partner it is easy to get too caught up in emotions or impressive flashy features, while not paying enough attention to what is vital for a healthy relationship

@Anna no. (256) - What's becoming a better person going to do if G-d doesn't exist?

@ Loveth. What's praying to something that doesn't even exist going to do? People make mistakes that's all, but the best thing of all is learning from those mistakes. You can only become a better person.

This is a really insightful article! It really highlights the importance of asking the right questions, (i.e. deeper, more meaningful ones) before making one of the biggest decisions of ones life. I agree with an earlier comment that this article should be published on other sites also, as it could help people of any faith. I am muslim and found it very helpful. thank you.

my ex said give me a ring and we would work on the relationship after she was sure we were committed. that is the opposite of what i thought it should be.

I counted at least seven. I figured faith would work it. Now I see that both persons have to have the right qualities before faith can even be a factor. Wish I would've read this seven years ago.

pray to God before taking a decision.

I have come back to read this list over and over again. This article really should be published elsewhere besides this site for a wider audience. I am a Christian and this list has helped me see what was wrong in my past relationships. I just went through a painful breakup but seeing that at least three of these problems were happening, I am comforted to know that the relationship was not meant to be. I just hope and pray that the combination of all these qualities put together in one relationship is possible for me someday.

Keep in mind marriages are made in Heaven!

Your write-up is an eye opener to this generation especially those who are preparing to get married.MAY GOD BLESS YOU - AMEN.

This is a must read for teens,youths and all singles intending to get married..look before you leap by reading ds article

I just found out the love of my life married his rebound and funny thing is they are hitting on so many of the bad things in this but we actually hit on more of the positive aspects and qualities in the article. I guess he married the wrong girl. I am sad, but at the same time a little happy knowing that it probably won't last. You should add one other thing, length of time getting to know each other. We knew each other for over 30 years and they were colleagues for only a 1 1/2 and have only been together for 7 months before marrying.

Why would you even want him after the rebound marriage? It seems to me that some people generally enter into relationships for selfish reasons. He obviously got what he wanted from her even though it was toxic. Not to say your relationship was bad, but I learned that some people view toxic relationships as normal relationships. He obviously didn't realize the good thing he had in you, or else he would have stayed with you.

Thanks so much for this piece, you are God sent. You just made me see how blind i was in my last relationship and how marrying the person I was with would have ruined my life.

To bad I did not read this article before I got married a lot of points that are really making since now.

An amazing article! I am so glad that I read it at the right time. Must help me make up my mind.

This article really confirms that my boyfriend and I are good for each other. We have all the qualities in each other that was mentioned in the article. Thanks!

It wil serve as a good balance to assess my girl & our rship.thanks.It wil serve as a good balance to assess my girl & our rship.thanks.

I was just thinking if the person i'm dating is the Mr right,bcos he's hot tempered.with this advice,i'll be able to choose rightly.GOD BLESS U.

been hot temper doesnt mean yrguy is not gud enough for u bt with patience he will b ok

this is awesome..and its help me....so much...thnx you...

real i like i and appreciate da topic... thx 4 it

I have always looked for such qualities in a person, but was very difficult to explain to people especially my parents that what do i seek. With this wonderful article, I am sure I now better know what and who do i need (with the support of this article). I would name this article as" Preventive measures to ensure HAPPINESS". I am glad that it gives a "spiritual Insight" which many people are not able to think at.Thank you for such an insight.

Congratulations and thanks Rabbi Heller for your good article which shows your insight and knowledge on this important subject. G-d bless you!

This Article is the best advice I've ever received! You've helped me put a lot of things into perspective... Thank you very much! You should consider puting this on billboards or facebook.. SOMETHING! TOO MANY PEOPLE NEED THIS INFORMATION!!!!

i would say that these article has made me see the reality within my relationship, something i have learned is that, in some instances marriage is only for women, men do not care about what you feel or how you feel when they cheat

We don't want people to "care" how we feel if they cheat on us...we want them to be in love with us and appreciate us to not want to cheat in the first place. There are both men and women out there who feel their needs are not being met and therefore feel justified in putting their own needs ahead of their partner's. However that is not true in most marriages. There are plenty of good, responsible, and fulfilled people out there, and I hope you meet many of them soon.

thats true

This article provide a comprehensive views on the aspects a good relationship must be consisted of. However, I don't know how exactly this evaluation technique can't be apply to my own situation. For example, out of the 10 aspects, I can pretty rule out number 10, still 9 left, some of it is true, some of it is false,thus the outcome is not unanimous, How do I deal with the conflict of the different positive and negative outcomes? Since I doubt that any relationship with satisfy all 10 aspects, there must be a way to better use this evaluation technique. Can the author please kindly provide a reply. Thank you

this article made me cry. Thank you

this is one of the best articles on relationships that I have ever read - thank you

iTS ONLY IN PRACTISING MARRIAGE THAT ONE REALIZES THESE THINGS. AM GRATEFUL AS I HAVE LEARNED MUCH ESPECIALLY TO FREE MY MIND WITH MY PARTNER WITHOUT FEAR. PLEASE DO SUPPORT MY PRAYER FOR HASHEM TO GIFT ME MY BESHERT. AM STILL PRAYING OVER MY BESHERT AND WOULD NEVER GIVE UP ON HASHEM FOR MY BESHERT

its really good, helped me understand a lot and also... maybe helped me to judge why my relationships did not work. But i still wonder, well i am drunk.... i wonder does set rules apply for human relationships. I mean human behavior is not pure science that u can chk it in laboratory conditions that at some point of time this person has behaved in this way and it means that he/she should be disqualified for a relationship. Human beings are complicated. nice points anyway. tx

wish i had read earlier but got favolus fedback.....nevertheles i totaly luvd that triangulated part..a clos dear one of my wants to be wid me insted of her 5 yrs relation..coz her bf is not giving the happines that she wants since one year..i guess now its beter to step back...u saved my life once again.thank u

#4 sums it up. I sit here after 19 years of being married. I never wanted kids or this house or 60% of what we have. All I wanted was her. I got most of what we have to keep her happy. After 7 years of being together, we got married. To me, everything was the same except for a piece of paper. Then came, "when are we going to have kids, are we going to move, can we get a motorhome, etc. Now I sit here bubbling inside more every day. My wife and I do talk about it. We talk about everything. Nothing is hidden. The part that hurts me is when I do tell her everything I feel, I know the only one I'm hurting is the one I love. This is a good article, but all I can see is that you can tell a couple this a million times prior to marriage, but it won't be realized until after. I just wish I knew how we could all be happy.

This article will help disappointed to correct his previous mistakes

this information is so helpful to everyone I know, so what makes one have a tendency to override what we know to be true. I know many who do the same.

Fabulously wise article. I will print it out and keep this. I've been married and divorced after 15 years. Wish I had read this the first time. I would've ran! Now I will use it for the next time. I totally agree that premarital sex clouds the mind, and makes you stupidly blind. Building a solid foundation is essential, and this article tells exactly how to do this! Thank you very much!!

This work by Rabbi Dov Heller is a master piece.I prefer to call it the ' Ten Commandments of Marriage'. It is highly recommended to both married and unmarried couples. I also recommend the material to all marriage counselors all over the world.

this is a beautiful article that should help our young ones to pick the right spouses. thanks for it. i recommend it for every one looking for a partner.

truelly this acticle bring happiness and good connotation in understanding and aceptance in life,this is what am just going to figure out before i find the right person to marry.Very interesting knowledge about marry and love,well done.

This article adds more to the misunderstanding of LOVE. I say this, because if your marriage or relationships are based on character or compatibilty which are always changing, then your so called love will always waver. If a man says he loves a woman because she's smart, beautiful, cook and clean then marries her or if a woman says she loves a man and marries him because he has a good job, is handsome and does all the handy work around the house. If some unexpected happens to the mans job or the ladies beauty then their love would be shaking by those compatibilities or always changing characteristics. Remember we should love a person regardless of their goals or a persons inability to stop talking to everyone they meet- well as long as there goal isn't to be a mass murderer or they're holding inappropiate intimate conversations. Thats why we are failing at love and marriages as a whole in the world. (REAL LOVE REALLY CONQUERS ALL) Try loving without expectations of reciprocity and love will reveal those feelings which you get after truly loving- I promise! By the way this guy name Mort Fertel cleared the smoke for me!

This is brilliant - thank you. I think the point about whether you want to be more like your partner is excellent, and the one about whether you want your child(ren) to turn out like them is absolutely spot on. This has resolved some fairly big issues for me - thank you.

fantastic article don miss it ladies

This article is so helpful. I wish I had known all of this before I got married. I got married 5 years now we are separate .The same article is suitable for choosing a wrong wife also.There are several things in this article that just let me know that my wife and I are not compatible in many areas. It has been a real struggle.

For those who are about to get married should review this article before walking down the isle. I know some people probably think that this is all common sense ... or even worse, my soon-to-be ex fiance will call me dumb and stupid for reading this. But again, I wouldn't settle down for the wrong person. OK. I will be turning 35 this May, and I have never been married. I used to care so much about what people think about how I am not married with no kids, but ... not anymore. It really is pointless to be married if it is for the wrong purpose. You know what is so funny. I used to ask people around me (work, gym, etc) about how I would know if that person is right for me or not. Their answer was if he is right, I would know. Haha ... I finally figured out he isn't right for me. That is why I will be on the dating market very soon.

This article is so helpful. I wish I had known all of this before I got married. There are several things in this article that just let me know that my husband and I are not compatible in many areas. It has been a real struggle. I think I married the wrong person for me.

Ive been maried for 4 years now. These are great advice. I am currently dealing with one or two of these situations. I also have a friend who is very unhappy with her self and life and it getting married to someone she just meet about 3 months ago, is engaged, already moved out and is getting married at the end of the year. She was getitng married last month but her dad argueed with her. I fully disagree with her choices.

I wish my guy can forgive me and aspect me back.i promise to be loyal,truthful.

I married this person after a few weeks! This article confirmed I made the right choice! I am a 41 year old female and have been in a few long-term relationships; all of which I learned what worked for me and what didn't. We just "knew". Don't be afraid to commit early if you KNOW! Oh, we didn't have a "test drive" before either; what fun it was to discover this area once we were married. Most past relationships were sexual. I am very happy!! My 3 kids agree (20, 16 and 9) that this is a wonderful match! This is a GREAT "test" to go through and answer! Good luck everyone!

This are all true, I guess. Been in some situations. I'm glad I didn't marry the guy.

"Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce. My husband of 20 years and I just got divorced and the intimate arena is the ONLY reason. We are the "almost never"? That is very hard to believe. The rest of the article was very good!

Other things in your relationship most likely started to wane. Other things creep in to take it's place. Becoming busy with things outside the home & family get in the way. You stay up to long, get up too early, fatigue and other emotionally draining things enter the picture & your intimacy slows down. Not spending enough quality time together becomes the norm. It becomes a habbit. Eventually, you don't start to feel you don't want their attention, but you still crave it, and you start to seek it out in other forms, or from other people. Because you were not satisfied in that area, you think it's all over, because that was the main area of attraction in the relationship. As pointed out in this article, if you are fulfilled in all the other areas of the relationship, the physical area will come naturally, and it's importance isn't as great as all of the others.

Am touched.

Helpful article for those of us navigating the relationship field and finding a loving, joy-filled, and lasting relationship.

This article just stopped me from marrying the wrong person.

I guess I have to cancel our wedding.

the one I am no longer with just might be the one after all!!!

bs'd This is a very insightful and realistic approach to relationships. Thank you for sharing your words with us.

Painful but true. My last marriage comes to mind as I read each reason knowing I used almost all of them.

this article is very helpful to those who are lonely and think marriage is the cure which is about half of the men a very valuable and informative lesson for all

to pick the right person means you have to be the right person

Great Advice

the jewish perspective is so real it opens ur eyes to what u chose not to see. i wish i did things the way u guys do them. its just beautiful, *sniff sniff* WOW!!!

it is the most valuable and worthful lines i have ever read......i am really impressed from it.....thank you so much for ur cooperation on this. Best Regards Yama

Wonderful article, I wish we could see or at least admit that our relationhsip is not what we would like it to be. I also wish that people were honest and could look deep within themselves to tell you how they feel. If you aren't meant to be together for a lifetime, then maybe the other could help you get through the breakup.

I can't tell how serious this article is! Every piece of advice was so on point. And its even so that 6, 7,, and 8 are almost alike in some ways. Because in MOST cases you cannot be open and honest because you feel that with their emotional unstableness THEY would either crack up on cause you undo stress....almost to a point to where you would need a restraining order.... Being married to the WRONG person and KNOWING it even before the I DO's is the worse thing one can do to themselves.... it's a trap in misery! :-)

all of this is seen everywhere. nice, precise and relevent article. and a guide :)

This article is really awesome....God Bless you Heller!

This is all so true. I spent 1.5 years in a horrible relationship and much of this advice reflects the mistakes I made. I just can't figure out why I stayed so long!

if only i had read something like thus 8 years ago

I love this article. 'i am in love sometimes means i am in lust' that is really true.

i once knew a girl who got married for all the wrong reasons. she wanted a nice car and money and to get of the shelf.he wanted children and a skivvy wife and from what i hear she is unhappy. it pays to do your homework because after all you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person and its the children that will suffer the most. so one must think before taking the plunge.

i really love this page

1. You rely upon your parents. You pick the person your parent wants, instead of the one you love. 2. You want to get married (age, etc). You somehow feel that having four kids and living with someone you do not love 24/7, is better than being single You pick a person because you want to get married to someone, rather than choosing this particular person as a life partner. 3. You base your decision on money 4. You rush into marriage. You spend too little time examining real issues, don't discuss finances, and are entralled by the idea of marriage. 5. You ignore danger signs because you feel it is too late to change. 6. You are the wrong person. You do not bring the commitment to fidelity, compromise, that is required for a marriage to succeed, and constantly look at things from your own selfish perspective-- why isn't this person fulfilling my needs. 7. You have an idealized view of marriage. 8. You will put your parents above your spouse and let them dictate your life even after you are married. 9. You still love someone else and are marrying to settle. 10. You have not resolved basic questions with your spouse and think they will be mysteriously solved upon marriage. Marriage can be a wonderful thing with the right person, but it requires commitment.

Wow i really appreciate your write up, its very interesting. i pray that God should give you more ideas to help the singles out there.

"a soul mate is a goal mate" BRILLIANT line. Excellent article, thanks.

Thank you! I was thinking about crashing on the couch tonight because I felt I needed to be alone, but thanks to this article, I have chosen to make sure my wife isn't alone.

Thank you. I really appreciate this angle. This gets to the core of why we make the decisions we do when choosing someone.

Man and woman must care for each others need, but the man needs to take care of the needs of the weaker vessel, speaking about strength. If G-D said it, I will not argue ...

a woman who is with a man that has good intentions will 'respond' to his putting her first--it is biblical--and true

if you are not sure about getting married to this man, don't do it. You will forever remember this feeling and it will not end well. there are no perfect men but there are men who are perfect for you. I know it's tough to break off a wedding but you will find more happiness later!

Personally, I think it was a well written article. I do not agree with everything written but I can tell you this much regarding the argument on emotional/physical attraction and chemistry. It really isn't right to go with someone just based on chemistry alone. You should go with your soul mate because G-d does in fact, join people together before they are born. Another reason why this world suffers from acute deafness.

I find #3 completely appalling. First it is TOTALLY sexist. "the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure" Why should a man be requred to forget about his own needs but a woman should not? Isn't there some better explanation for a statment like that than "amazing things can happen"? Secondly, this doesnt seem to apply to "choosing the right person to marry" it applys to "why marriages fail." If a man doesnt understand what a woman needs that would be a problem in ANY of his relationships, and wouldnt have to do with marrying the right person (which is what THIS list is about). Poor advice. Men have a right to care about their needs as much as women do, and we shouldnt be any more responsible to cater to their desires than they are to cater to ours.

"If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce." Your article is great but THIS IS TOTALLY FALSE!! I overlooked a little thing called attraction/chemistry with my ex husband and it was 1 of the most horrendous experiences of my life. In your article, you downplay the importance of chemistry, citing that character is more important. FALSE!! If you are not physically attracted to your partner, say good-bye to everything fun in life! My marriage was a sham, I felt like a fraud, there was zero excitement, passion, nothing to look forward to. I felt dead inside! I married for the "right" reasons - my partner was financially stable, faithful, emotionally available, and pursued me heavily. I listened to this kind of advice and it was single handedly the worst piece of advice I ever got. Live an authentic life - love who you love. Chemistry is so precious and magical and it is NOT intellectual or emotionally rational. I wish it was! I am not advocating staying in any sort of abusive relationship here . If you are attracted to someone abusive who is dangerously "wrong", get out of the relationship and seek help! Otherwise, I'll take the thrill of chemistry ANY DAY over a boring, mundane, lifeless existence. I'd rather never be married if that is what marriage is bc it was horrible! I'd rather have have the sparks I had when I was a teenager than waste my life away feeling nothing with someone.

I thought I finally found my soul mate! Only because I feel so connected with him when we make love. The rest of our relationship? Let me just say after reading this article, 8 out 10 questions, my answers had been NO! Yet, I'm still in denial and I am what this article views a person to be - I'm about to pick the wrong person because I simply forgot how to be happy with ME, alone...

what if im still not sure if marriage is for me. what if im not sure if this man is for me. until now i still havent yet figure out if i can live with this man and love his imperfections. there is somthing in my head which tells me to hold back, yet another voice which tells me that there is no perfect man and this is as best as it gets so far..my weeding is is a couple of weeks and im getting cold feet. is it normal being lost ?

I have been married ten years and apart from my gorgeous daughter, I feel that the whole thing has been a complete and total waste of my time. Worst of all I ahve not wanted to admit my failure and just continued because i did not want to be seen to be alone. But this way is worse. I married the person designed to make me feel worse than ever just because i was drawn to the glamour and the fun.

I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 30 and says that I need to push him more. I support, encourage, listen, communicate, submit. But I'm still not pushing? What's the difference? aaah If someone can help me out .........pleeease

This list reflects what I already learned starting about 6-7 years ago. It's refreshing to see it written down. My only exception is that I do feel there needs to be physical compatibility prior to long term commitment. To me it's not the marriage that's important, rather the commitment & yet I don't believe one should stay in a relationship if it's unhealthy to the point of abuse. I'm not religious & I don't believe in religion either, but I am very spiritually conscious which means something different to every human. My issue has always been that I don't fit in anywhere as I'm a very alternative person. Not goth or punk or any of those things - although I love to have fun. I don't fit in with the spiritual conscious community, nor with the mainstream arena. I live in Canada & am looking to move, so I am questioning whether Ha' aretz has a spiritual community. To date I've never met anyone like me or even close to being like me b/c I'm very intelligent (not gifted), & I don't believe academics has much to do with intelligence. I can be very passionate one minute (the Israeli Scorpio in me) & want to just "BE" the next. I'm very open minded both literally & figuratively, & yet have very strong moral beliefs like being honest, respectful (as much as I can considering I have a short fuse when it comes to certain types) plus trying to improve myself on my own terms. I also understand that everyone has their own set of moral code. While I'm proud of being my unusual self, being alienated not having found the right "fit" not just in a partner, does put stress on me, as I remain celibate. I finally realized about 1 yrs ago that humans have to have physical contact in order to flourish both physically & emotionally. LOL, kind of got off topic. I wish everyone all the best in finding peace & happiness within.

This was one of the greatest marriage-based articles I have ever read. Being 25, and ready to settle down can have its disadvantages, like looking for the right women and at the same time have sexual needs. The lines can get blury very fast. But this article helped me to slow down and really take advantage of being single. Im a sucess in my eyes, and I dont want nobody who I cant love or who will bring me down. This was a very great article.

What if you can say you are compatible to most of the above but no to one or two...that is where the grey area is for me??

It is completely true.

I agree completely with almost everything on this list. I've been told by several people more observant than I that physical intimacy will "work" after you're married, even if you and your spouse had not been intimate before marriage. There's no need for a test drive. But I believe that, for some couples, a mismatch in their needs for physical intimacy can be something that creates a great deal of tension in their relationship. "Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce." I can believe that this type of incompatibility would not be often cited as the MAIN reason that people divorce. Would you want to admit if it was? Would your soon-to-be-ex-spouse?

oh how true this is,thanks

Every single word in this amazing , informative and extremely professional article is TRUE! to the last letter! OMG, I recently broke up with a guy whom it was very difficult for me to let go of..I still feel I miss him...BUt there were way too many real concerns, which I admittedly was in denial of due to my attachment to him(Love?) and the fact that I finally had someone in my life after so many years of being alone.You have pinpointed so many of our/his issues that are now way clearer to me than ever.Many times we KNOW it but cant let go, dont WANT to let go because of (Love?) or fear or emotional closeness.Thank yu for yur precise words!

I have recently started a new relationship and currently am very happy. Of course there are things about my partner that are very unlike me. He is not as driven, he won't see through problems that plague him... I'm hoping my attitude can rub off on him without the incentive of manipulation. But I am confident that reading this article from time to time will help guide me away from the mistakes so many couples make today. Thankyou for this very inciteful piece of advice, it may be my saving grace!

Thank you for this article.... I actually recently broke up with someone for several of the reasons mentioned above. Mainly he wanted to change me claiming it to be for my own good, but after a while all I felt is awful about myself and kept hearing myself justify myself what I do and dont do and who I am and who I am not. I really felt down all the time feeling trapped and not worthy enough .. the fact that we were physical was the biggest confusing factor that clouded my clarity and stopped from allowing myself to SEE that what i FELT was all too real and alarming. ALL your points are VERY true and very helpful. Thank you

good tips...

Thankyou for this wonderful advice. I really appreciate it. It is so eye opening.

Thanks a lot for the article, I have learned important stuff here, I have some concern about the triangle factor though, is it really possible to become emotionally independent from the things mentioned here, or we will need to live with them? I think balancing the positive things and eliminating the negative factors is the best way to go.

I married the wrong person this man has an alcohol issue and is also co-dependent on his mother for everything. It makes me sick!! I have three kids but only one is his I feel trapped and want to leave but I don't know what to do! Please help

Thank you for summerazing these 10 points. They are so true, so true.

Just wanted to say that your advice is so valuable. I am a 45 year old divorced mother of a 5 year old. I just got back to the dating world after a 5 year break. I thought I would be wiser and more attentive to my emotional/social/spiritual/etc. needs in the relationshiop world, but I find that I'm choosing the same type of superficial relationships that I had in my 20's! Your advice is so grounded and sensible. I will use it as my guide. Thank you!

hearing is the physical ecperience of recieving soundwaves. Listening is your own act of paying attention to the sounds and processing them. In a relationship, listening is "really hearing" the other person and processing the words mentally and emotionally. We hear horns in traffic. We listen when its the horn of a truck about to hit us! Make sense now?

I love my bf...and i want to marry. I belive my mind is clouded when i speak to my logical side. Each of these questions just get me back into the right mind and know that he isn't right one, and Idk if he's going to change...right now it's a hard time and I'm there for support. The relationship I get nothing back. I will always be there for him, but these questions tell me you are just good friends and you have chemistry....but lust fades, and I HAVE to remember that. Thank you this is very very good advice.

I married the wrong person nearly five years ago for the above reasons, plus one more-desparation. He is emotionally stunted and autistic. I was 27 at the time and in the frum community, I was considered old. I thought I could change him. Boy, was I wrong. I would have left if I hadn't become pregnant with my son. Five years and two kids later, I'm trapped.

Thank you for such a great article - practical, to the point and extremely helpful. I am glad I read it and I will make sure to send it to all my friends!

Diane, I should have read this wise article long time ago! Any ways, it is very educative, extraordinarily written, entertaining, fun and may be painful too! (which is good) I would add to the title: ",,,or the Right one!" You can write a book about it!

TO #151 WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY LISTENING AND HEARING ARE 2 DIFFERENT THINGS?

As a was reading this enligthning article I was thinking more and more about Mia and me. We are dating and planning on wedding in the future. She has just left a stormy relationship and ours just jumped on stage few moths before it was over. I have come from a turbulent relationship that never comsumed in marriage, yet leaving the same pain when done like hers. We both are working on many issues to fix the road before shipping a marriage experience. This article has been a blessing for me. Thanks

What about cases where the tables are turned on number 2 from the list? Then you find chemistry with someone else who also has great character?

You czn marry the wrong person because he/she are the same height, same age, or in some cases you are ten years younger than him, because marrying a man ten years younger than yourself is taboo. Even though you have more in common with the man who is ten years younger than ten years older. You marry the wrong man because your biological clock is ticking. So you marry the wrong man, have a child, and get a divorce and live your life as a single parent. Marry the person who is right for you. Pray, Pray, Pray than make a well informed decision based on facts. Not some community guidelines that will make you miserable, while making them happy. You are the one who will have to live with the person that you marry.

Now that you realize you married the wrong person, what do you do?

Make sure you agree that both of you flunked mind-reading. Even if you sometimes finish each others' sentences, this will help a lot in a marriage. Every now and then each of you can remind the other that you yourself flunked mind-reading, and it will open a window so that you can remind the other person that they flunked mind-reading school as well. The only thing is try to make sure you don't say this with bitterness or anger or an accusatory tone in your voice because it will not have the same effect, and also will ruin any other time that you might need to use it. We use it only when we absolutely have to, and then we make sure we are looking into each other's eyes in order to make sure we get the message through. It has been interesting. Because we do not use it all the time even when we are angry, it has been a very good thing for us. Now when we remind each other we stop what we are saying and take the fact that we both flunked mind-reading seriously into the conversation we are having. Most times, it either diffuses the argument, or puts the argument in another light, and occasionally we have to re-route our discussion and then we will usually be more successful and come out with an agreeable solution in the end. We tend to listen more to each other, and think more about whether the particular issue is really worth an argument or not. We feel that G-d gave us this wisdom for a more successful marriage. We have been married now for 12-1/2 years, and ever since G-d lifted the oppression off our shoulders, we have felt like newlyweds, and have had very few arguments as well. I hope this is able to help someone else as well. May your marriages be blessed by love, patience, joy and support from each other.Remember, hearing and listening are two very different things and you need both in a marriage.

You pick the wrong person because you want to get married to satisfy your parents, or community expectations.

an objective, kind experienced counselor can help illuminate the issues that need to be faced.

Add these 11. Because your parents like him or her. 12. Because he makes a lot of money. 13. Because you're getting older and you want to get married. 14. You're not ready to make the compromises needed to stay married. 15. You get married quickly because you believe your community wants women to get married.

Thank you Rabbi, Very wise information. Carenna I appreciate the Jewish focus.

You marry way too quickly and soon find out that the person you married is a liar and said many things just to make you fall in love with them. Sure, they might be perfect on the inside, but they have no goals, no self discipline and no ambition other than to have their partner support them.

The comment posted in Sept. is faulty. You cannot see attitude, but you can see behavior. Most likely the behavior will mirror the attitude someone has, but not always. So in a marriage words and actions are important, and healthy persons usually have their words and actions coincide.

We can often have high expectations and asperation of what we want and expect from others in a relationship,friend or family. but this only leads to disapointment and upset as they often fail to meet such standards. We have such short lives so why not be patient, understanding, honest within our relationships even when they seam hopless..remember when we're pointing fingers at each other that there are three fingers pointing back..before you expect your partner to fulfill the standards above in these 10 comandments remember"When you walk along a beach full of pebbles, at a glance they all look the same and so pretty together..But remember they were all once large rocks from all over the world, different shapes, colours and textures. They have all been rounded buy the waves beating on them as life rounds our corners off in our troubled lives. Each knock in life making us a better and well rounded person suitable for a purpose one day; a purpose of being together with others in families and relationships; like a beautiful beach. Some have an easy journey, some hard, but eventually they all become like pebbles on the beach for a while anyway…together they make a beautiful Sean they don’t judge the pebbles round them as you shouldn’t. You have now come to rest on that beach, now with this person next to you in your lives together…you have searched out this site to check if that person meets some requirements…but remember your both just pebbles on a journey and have come to rest together,both fundamentaly very diffrent, so enjoy your time, make the best of it because one day you or your partner will get dragged, thrown or dropped back into the wash for another pounding buy life’s punishing waves. How wonderful that you have this time together all thing considering….enjoy being part of a beautiful Sean together, make the most of it and may others enjoy the beautiful Sean you set together…By Mark Richardson

Utter nonsense. Not only does this article play into mindless American ideals of convenience and compatibility, it says absolutely nothing about ATTITUDE in a marriage -- the key to its success. There is no perfect person, no perfect partner, and no perfect marriage. There are only committed partners who, helped by a heavy dose of compromise and a generous eye, work through the inevitable bumps in the road and keep the union (and the family) strong.

its really true ...........................And I hope it will help alot in our lives

All suggestions above is very helpful especially when comes to making a decision of choosing a lifeparter.. Lots of thanks...

Women can neglect the emotional needs of their husbands as well. One common example of this is a woman who is married to her career at the cost of connection with her husband.

I can't imagine that a woman would neglect her husbands emotional needs for a career. Especially not if he is working. (I'm referring to Steve's comment on August 13, 2009)

tx a lot, MG

Excellent advice! Congratulations. Very fundamental for a good marriage relationship. This advice needs to be more accessible to the public in general.

all your suggestions are worth reading and following. whenever i get confused about some one, i read these to decide. thank you very much

everthing you said is every true and makes you think twice, but what happends when you know that person whom you will marry is right for you, but your in love with somone esle, the only reason you will be marrying this person is to keep everyone happy... but overall your suggesstions are making me think on the long run

Thank you so much for this. What you say on this site makes perfect sence .

Thank you for laying it out like it is. This is great practical advice that all men and women should ask of themselves and their partner regardless of age, race, or religion.

I really need this. I saved it to my desk top to keep re-reading and re-reading and again nre-reading. Thank you. Shannon, from Nashville, TN

thank so much,keep the good work u save me because i see myself in this but now am found

I agree with all the points. Even though there are no hard and fast rules about these issues, these points are however important basic guides to anyone who desires to enjoy a long and fulfiling marriage. Thanks alot and please keep up the good work.

Answers for all ten questions fit me so well..thank u so much. I just hope i stay strong and let go off it.

I needed the reasurrance your article offered and I thank you... Now it is the daunting task of letting go and giving myself time to heal. Withdrawl can be very hard!!! As for the above comment "I cant get out now...!" YES YOU CAN and you better or there will be alot more people hurt in the process, trust me- I married mine and am now divorced. It could have all been avoided if I would have just bucked up and got out!!!

Does God involved when we're choosing our partner? it looks like we have to choose it by ourselves and be responsible for it. Maybe we can only pray and ask God whether he/she is the right person for us.

i wish i read this 10 insights too. after 6 years of marriage and 3 kids.. tons of fights, swears, crying, losing my carrier, away from the country i have family in, here alone no one to talk to .... i am saying i am so so sorry for that stupid step i took and i threw my life all together. we get only one chance to live on this plant earth and i blew that chance so easily. i am so so sorry that my kids have to grow up like this.he just brought the worse out of me. all wanted was to live happily but i guess that is not going to happen.

My boyfriend and I seem to get along very well, but occasionally I have these moments of doubt. He is devoted to his running and work - which is great for now but if we ever get married and have a family I want to be sure that he will support me and not leave completely everything to me in order to pursue his career and athletic ambitions. I've tried to look at the little things (he always cleans the dishes after I make dinner) to see an indicator, but he leave a lot to me so much so that I often feel like I'm the one chasing him instead of the other way around. I told me all this and he made me feel that he really wants to stay together. He is very special and being with him means a lot to me, but sometimes I feel this rift between us and then I start to feel very insecure.

I wish I'd read this sooner. I wish I'd checked with God first. But I can't get out now. We're not even married yet but I can't get out now. #2-9 all apply.

I`m is a relationship that is not working. i will never marry him as he cant support me in the most simple ways buy paying for me!!

#2 made me nervous. well, it isn't that i feel i know everything but i certainly do feel that i have a lot of knowledge when it comes to relationship psychology. i know the basic good and bad. anyway, the reason why #2 made me nervous is because i feel that people's characters is what make the chemistry happen. of course there are many other factors, but characters to start off. maybe the definition of "character" and "chemistry" is different for me and others. who knows. but i guess the most important thing to know is the answer is never out there or online, it's within your own heart.

Great observations with a deep understanding of the facts, thanks

From a Catholic who found this through Google - this is one of the best pieces I've found on making sure if he's Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong. Great advice for people of all faiths.

Verrry informative, a must read.Thanx

Nice summary about things we must consider in relationships. Many Thanks. KCJ

It took work to put this out; thanks. It's a good work, effectual and appreciated.

The good rabbi forgot that woman was created as "Ezer Kenekdo", i.e we seem oppositional, however marriage is the laboratory for the creation of two mature adults. If we waited till we found the "right person who meets all of Rabbi Dov's prererequisits, very few of us would ever get married. In addition while it might look initially that we might have found the "right" person, the part in each of us that needs "tikkun"-,and that is true of all of us, usually emerges after kids, financial concerns, acceptances of the other's family sets in. It is only when we set out consciously to learn the "Rituals of Connection", that we start on the road towards "Relational Maturity".

Wonderful article for single people.

VERY GOOD SUGGESTION...THANKS A LOT FOR THE TOPIC....yES ALL THE TOPICS AND POINTERS ARE TRUE...AND I VE LEARN A LOT FROM READING YOUR GUIDELINES....ANDTHAT I GOT SOME LESSONS FOR MYSELF TOO...THANK YOU.. MARIAH

Sorry Kira, I don't buy it. Akiva changed drastically, from being an ignoramus and someone who hated the Sages, to becoming a great Sage himself. Rochel saw his potential, yes. But then, so do all the women who marry men and hope to change them or that they will change.

Would Akiva and Rochel have had shalom bayit if Akiva didn't feel up to the challenge, if he tried learning alef-beis but gave up? Would Rochel have accepted him for the modest man he was and live happily ever after?

Yehudis - it's not that Akiva changed, it's that Rochel recognized him for what he really was.

If only I had this info in my youth! I see that I've done all right things to marry the wrong person.

This past week I went on date number 3 with someone I find to be dull and with whom I share nothing in common with. Many of my friends declared me picky and told me that I should give him some time and "educate" him. Basically the message was to try and change him.... It boggles my mind as to why anyone would waste their time trying to change someone instead fo spending that time trying to find someone who you are compatible with!!!!!!
Great Advice... IT should be taught in school and posted on billboards b/c apparently far too many people are unaware of these most basic concepts.

re #1 What about Rochel marrying Akiva, expecting him to change? He did. From an ignorant shepherd who didn't know the alef-beis at 40, to one of our greatest Sages.

I only wish I had learned these lessons sooner.

An excellent and practical article.

I really agree with your comments and i will send this to myh boyfriend as i think they i useful!!!! I am happy i found this site as i chose it searching something else and i saw dating and i pressed it and found the excellent advice!!!
Thank you very much for opening this site!!!

Truly
Vincenza

As A Social Worker I have saeen many relationships splutter out just because no one was given this very good, very basic advice. It should be a mandatory reading prior to anyone aommitting to marriage. Thanx.

This is a good article but I don't necessarily agree with all the points - they do not mean that you have married, or are going to marry, the wrong person.

point 1: Marriage is about growth and a person can change after marriage if they have the desire to do so and are willing to work hard at it.

point 3: Any man willing to understand what a woman wants, can do so if he truly wants to make her happy. She needs to clearly explain her needs, not whinge and whine that he doesn't fulfill them. If he doesn't know what they are, he can't do anything about them.

point 10: Triangles are difficult. My husband will never separate from his mother for many many reasons. This has caused untold problems in our marriage, but it does not mean that I married the wrong person. I have had to accomodate (do not read "submit") over the years and this has actually led to greater growth on my part and a more peaceful marriage.

Flash back to 1982/83. I was living on a kibbutz, happy, healthy, loving my independence. From the USA flies "the man of my dreams" begging me to return to the USA and be his. I fly back. We marry. The day after our honeymoon, he turns to me and says,"I hope that marriage will cure your wanderlust." Freeze Debra's heart, and count 7 years to divorce. Yes, now, at the age of 55, I am ever so wiser in hindsight.

This was brilliant and well-said, especially #10. The vast majority of women I know with seemingly hopeless marriages married a men involved in a "triangle". It's also important to be aware that even if one spouse weans the other from one kind of triangle, unless the other spouse gets his act together, he will simply click into another kind of triangle. Lots of women I know whose husbands are overattached to their mothers end up distancing from their mothers and overattaching to the Internet or to work, as the article's author says. Same goes for triangulated wives. By the way, people can triangulate onto activities that are mitzvahs. I see kiruv activists or teachers who other community service activists whose spouses feel like widows. When a mitzvah is done in such a way, it's already not a mitzvah.
Great article!

Getting married is always marrying the wrong person.. People only want to get married if they want something. Stay single...you are better off...

i thank you so much for sending me this article i really don't know how you got my email the truth is that it came right on time cos this exactly what i have suffered. the good Lord bless and reward you Amen thanks so much for the tips.

forward if needed

engagement that I experienced some years back. I was way too close to this guy on a physical level and did not pay attention that his lifesyle was never going to be compatible with mine both on Religious, and City Versus the Suburb lifestyle= he wanted the Burbs I did not! So those lifestyle issues is a definite deal breaker than any other issue!
Physical issues can blind one to the truth!

determining who to consider for a shidduch thanks for the info. maybe you can save others from divorce,like me who married my ex based more on chemistry than substance!

Then what do you do? Do you perservere hoping to make things better or do you cut your losses because there is no hope?

This needs a few reads because there's a lot to think about here.Good stuff.

You know, "sharing one cup of tea" is already complicated enough. Have really our ancestors needed to think so much about love as if it would be a bussiness?

In my opinion the problems' roots are elsewhere. Ppl are more exacting in their imaginations about marriage and let down then...

the most accurate, concise and comprehensive article on this subject. should be required reading for anyone thinking of marriage--and even those who are married. Thank you Rabbi Heller

This article was very intresting indeed. Very concise and gave me a good chance for more optimistic outlook for helping my daughters on finding their soul mates.

Shalom Rabbi Heller Dov,
Thank you for an article on very needed subject.
Hope you dont mind but I just forwarde it arround the globe
Toda

It's important to love smart as opposed to loving blind. When a relationship is mutual, it is fairly certain to work out. Jews marry other Jews they get to know, and non-Jews marry other non-Jews they get to know - all after a reasonable amount of time before the decision is made to walk down the altar and break the kiddish glass. Furthermore, marital status does not necessarily determine one's happiness - it all depends on his/her self-esteem and what he/she does in life.

By reading this...I know for sure that my relation is heading in the right direction. We score good points on every way described in this article. And I know what went wrong in my previous marriage. We hadn't the same goal in life and the same interests. That's very important.

Good ideas

Everybody should read this exceptional and very practical guide of how to consider selecting a life-partner before getting married. It would have certainly helped me to avoid big-time mistakes in the past, but it will definitely help me to avoid making one more in the future.

Very useful article. I will look for more on this topic.

read this :)

Distance relationships,does it really work? She is studying at the college and i am working and also studying part time. Sometimes i feel that i don't have time for her but i do care and love her. I still got 4 years to complete my studies.

This article was amazing. Very concise and gave me a more optimistic outlook on finding a soul mate.

Just what I needed to see. It feels good to have a realistic standard to go by. Thank you.

Keep it up.

I realy get lots of sense from your wtitings please keep it up

Simply wonderful and as far as my 25+ years as an adult looking, searching, questioning, getting bruised, and enjoying all of life's ups and downs. . . . excellent piece.

I have been married for nine years and the first five of those at least were quite difficult but we worked through our issues and are extremely happy. I think it's a big mistake to tell people that they picked the wrong person. G-d picked that person for them. Until the wedding day someone can say they made a mistake but once it's happened one should recognize that G-d chose that person for them for a reason; maybe not for eternal bliss but perhaps just to learn to work on themselves. An example of this is my now divorced brother who's wife pushed all of his buttons ( the worst ones that is ) and yet myself and my three sisters recognized how perfectly matched they were and were completely aware of how these were the very issues that he always had difficulty dealing with and G-d obviously wanted him to work on himself in these areas. Had they stayed married and worked on these issues I'm sure he'd be very happy today.

I've wasted so much time trying to convince myself the marriage would work despite its inherent flaws which doomed it to failure from the outset. Thanks for posting this gem!

Another very clear and well thought out description of important relationship issues.

Since I have been dating seriously (looking for a husband) I have always considered these 10 insights when I am in relationships, In particular although I really am very keen to get married soon and start a family I don't let myself behave desparetely and agree to marry someone who I feel is wrong for me when they want me to (and I have had this happen a few times). However when I end a relationship because I feel one of the above insights is wrong in the relationship I get accused by some people of being too picky and told I can't expect somebody to be perfect. I am beginning to wonder whether such a perfect person/ relationship can exist as you suggest we should be looking for. Can every happily married person honestly say that they didn't compromise on any of these insights when they got married? Am I setting myself unrealistic expectations?

These are some of the wisest words I've read on this subject; they are to the point. I already made these mistakes, and have done so again. I find these words too late; I honestly wish more find them sooner.

Since i know all these rules so well: I have given up two guys that i 'd been loved. That's why i am still single. Lady, please!!! Observing a guy for at least 3 to 5 years before you marry!

Sometimes i am challenged to explain why i divorced rather than "work it out". the point about would i want children like my spouse hit home. I married out of chemistry & also much mutual affection; there were problems evident before the wedding, notably his jealousy, but had it just been the two of us, i mught have stayed in. I do remember waking up the morning after my wedding thinking, "oh, *&^%, I married my boyfriend!" Chemistry can do that to you.

In short, had I not divorced, I would have stood no chance of raising my children. Their father's immaturity undermined my efforts to help them grow up into mentschen; he would "bail them out" of even tiny disappointments. But even this is a cop-out; I need to face the fact I also divorced for my own sake, to reclaim self-respect.

Thanks again for speaking truth - especially in such easy-to remember terms.

This is one of the best articles I read. I believe that this particular issue can be confusing and troubling, which makes guidance necessary. No therapist I have spoken to before was able to give me sound advice like this. All they were able to tell me was that being married isn't necessary because women's lib "changed all of that." They also made me feel that I am unmatchable and that I shouldn't even try; that I should stay away from things in which I am unskilled. Since when is a holy institution a skill, like bicycling?

Anyway, I want to thank you for the words of wisdom and guidance.

In this very fast paced, often superficial, two dimensional world we live in, it was with great relief that I came upon these suggestions for 'fleshing out the bones' in choosing a mate.

This is an important life skill, which, I believe, should be taught in a high school curriculum.

Toda Raba!

I loved ( or was it just chemistry !!) my girlfriend but I had to let her go just because of her triangle with parents and wanting to control me all the time. This is the best piece of marriage advice I have come across.
I wish I had read this piece before I got emotionally involved with her and would have saved me a lot of heartache.I left her because of the fact that I could not imagine my kids being like her.

I think this is the most fantastic website I have stumbled across in ages. I've read many of your articles and they offer brilliant advice.

Thank you

I've realized that many people who till now have an unhappy marriage and read this article end up even more devastated. Nobody is absolutely perfect for you before marriage. Marriage is a time to polish your character through your spouses opposite behavior. It is said that the reason for giving a diamond ring is to teach what can be learned from a diamond: Only one diamond can polish another diamond. And, how is it done? Only through friction of one diamond to the other does the diamond reach perfection. You can only be elavated through obstacles.
Perhaps there is a very good story in the book: "People Speak" of a lady who divorced her husband and could have had all the reason. He slept late, didn't work nor learn. He just had a "5 star hotel"... She divorced and was shocked to meet his 2nd wife all happy. In his new marriage his wife respected him and saw only the good in him showering him with compliments as opposed to the 1st one who always criticized. He ended up finding a stable job, a chavrusah every night, focusing on spirituality and best of all the most happy couple.
Most people's bad behavior is not intentionally but stem from a problem. Through working patientally and correcting the matter with a HUMOR and WISDOM a tough looking marriage can end up the happiest ever after.
P.S. Written with self experience.

If it's wrong, it's wrong. The second wife was the right one for him. She was either able to change him or he finally grew up. I lost respect for my husband long ago-he does the exact same things this man did. He will never change.

U r so right!,after 28 years living with my husband and during the last year trying to get a divorce from him, I can tell u that every word u wrote is true,but when u r young and a believer ,specially because I thought that if I behave correct the other person does it too,was my mistake. Everyone is a different person and even now I cannot understand how I let him lie to me so much. I gave him much more power than he was suppose to get from me,I felt I was in good hands by the time he used me in all possible way. Still now he doesn't want to recognize and put and end to this ,I pray

This article made me reflect on myself. It is the basis of me changing things about my life so that I can have a healthy and happy marriage one day in the future.
Tess

wish I had known all of this 23 years ago.

That's a cop-out repeatedly used by the weak in society because they aren't willing to sacrifice the "I want it NOW" syndrome for the method and ideals outlined in the article. Those "complications" mentioned are called LIFE and if you want to have any chance of being truly happy, cowering to those "complications" means settling for something less than what would be right for the individual. The only reason that much of GEN-X is waiting to be married is because they have chosen career/material possessions as a priority and source of happiness. When desperation sets in, they forgoe the items on the list and settle then blame it on "complications" instead of what it really is, THEIR OWN FAULT for being too lazy to do the right thing and not societies fault for failing to provide you with a "proper" forum to meet the person you're "entitled to". If this note sounds like it's been written by a product of an intact home (but in no way perfect)in which the two parents did it the right way and put their own wants and desires behind raising a responsible child,(a.k.a. the hard way), you're correct.

I could have saved myself many poor choices had I actually read and ACKNOWLEDGED an article like this years ago. I think, however, that I have found my good choice finally, at last! This list only confirms it. (Now all he needs to do is ask).

Now I must copy it and send to one of my friends who is going to be made completely miserable by the girl he intends to marry. At least if I share this with him and he follows through with his mistake, at least as a friend I will have done what I could.

I just wanted to say that the Rabbonim at Aish are doing a wonderful job.

There are pros and cons to taking this hardline approach to dating/marriage intangibles.

Pros--It is ideal to be a perfect fit with the person you are in a relationship with. Also, to be in a relationship for the right reasons.

CONS--Following the detailed criteria is this article, it sheds light on the fact that very few people are truly good matches re: a longterm relationship. Given all of the complications of our society--work, school, family, personal quirks--dating & introductions as is, aren't effective [see the higher than 50% divorce ratio]. If it sounds like this is written by someone who's a product of a broken family, that's because it is. What we need is a better way to start relationships, where people who are ready to add new additions to their lives can share themselves, and not in some contrived "singles" atmosphere. My generation [X] has already displayed a willingness to wait until later on to get married, which is a good start. Hopefully there'll be a new trend to further help romantic involvement.

What an important article for anyone involved in a relationship to read. I just recently ended a 2 1/2 year relationship because we had different values and morals. It was one of the hardest things I had to do because I do love him but I knew it just wasn't right and a marriage would never work. Reading this article reassured me that I am on the right path and my decisions were for the best. Thank you.

I am currently dating someone, and I ran into this site totally by accident. RIGHT IN THE NICK OF TIME!! I believe this page has just reassured what i was feelin'... And has saved me years of frusration and suffering. Thanks!

These are good suggestions, but i think it will be hard realistic world.

What a precious site, bursting with rare good advice.

Keep up the good work
May God bless your efforts

This should be required reading before being allowed to obtain a marriage license!! I would add only one thing:: Be VERY wary of a partner who, as an adult, still hates/blames his or her parents and siblings for whatever went wrong in life.Yes, some people have had bad childhoods, but if they are still railing against mommy and daddy , WATCH OUT!!!!!!

it has to be her way 90% of the time or it's not happen at all !

I followed every one of these guidelines--honest! Exacerbated hidden emotional problems surface after the inevitable bad times hit. I took them as a way to signal strength of the relationship and a balance to the good times. Two children(one 15 months old) and 16 years later (the last 3 a cold-war hell)he decided I was the source of all his problem. I was stunned--this wasn't even a remote thought. All the care in choosing and investment in this relationship amounted to zip. All the trust and friendship shared was betrayed--just like that! So what do you conclude? Careful though you may be, even if your values don't change, your mate's may, and fidelity and commitment are as allusive as air today, and luck and prayer seem just as effective as careful relationship planning.

Reading this article has let me know what path I was on. I have 2 failed marriages and 1 broken engagement. All 3 falls into this article. Thanks for the awakening.

Found the comments very interesting and very true. As I was reading through the article, I could some of where I had gone wrong before.
Thank you for this insight.

I am on my second marriage, and thought
I was ready unfortunely I wasn't.,I wish I had read your article before my marriage I might have saved my husband and myself alot of heartache. I realize my mistakes now (maybe not all of them but some). Where do I go from here.

The article is most interesting in my work. I minister to Jewish people from time to time as I serve as a chaplain at a very large jail system.

Thanks for the insight. The idea of triangulation as a barrier to relationship-forming really lit a lightbulb over my head as I puzzle things out.

Thank you Dr. Heller, after suffering through 15 years in a very unhappy mariage I agree 100% with all of your comments. What are your views on divorce? I didn't find any on your website?

Thank you,
Imelda

if one has skeletons in his closet,and he doest feel comfortable sharing them,does that mean he will have a bad marraige....and if not does he have to tell her,and how do you let her know while dating what type of tayvos you have,in order that she will understand that,that doesnt make me bad,just have issues with certain aspects.

You have concretized or put into words things that really matter in life. Keep up the good works...

Wish I had read this 25 years ago! I would have been wiser at a much younger age and not wasted my younger years with the wrong men!

Excellent!

Thank you for an excellent, balanced, and morally sound article.

Chock full of insight and practical advice.

Excellent article

It's all true what you say. Can one really find a relationship that passes the test?

Excellent article and excellent advice. 23 years ago I almost married the wrong person for all the reasons you mentioned in your article. Thank goodness we saw the light and broke it off. I have been married for the last 21 years to my best friend in the whole world. This is an article and advice that I'm passing on to all I care about.

Thank you for the ten great points. I enjoyed reading and learning from them.

Thank you for sharing these excellent points!

Thank you for your insightful article. I am currently involved in a relationship that needed to be evaluated by these 10 insights. I'm so glad that I've taken the time to read and print out the article. It's too easy to overlook these important points. This article is wonderful for all relationships. Thank you.

I made most of these mistakes in my first marriage, but not for my second. Best advice I've ever seen!

How does a woman know WHEN it is time to tell her boyfriend she is IN LOVE, without scaring him away, especially when both are divorced, and have already been disappointed or hurt.

THANKS AGAIN ON A WEALTH OF WISDOM

I enjoyed & e-mailed to friends, thanks

Wow! Recently, I've been thinking about marriage to someone I met on line (it's mutual), but I see I have a lot more to learn about myself than I thought. I guess I really should do that while I am still single so that I won't enter into this relationship lightly; that certainly wouldn't be the loving thing to do(for either sake). Thank you for this article!

I have just lost a long term relationship that I thought would
end in marriage and I was trying so
hard to make up. After reading this article, I see that my relationship had
the ten of these reasons not to be
married. It definitely would have not worked. I thought that his man was my
soul-mate!
Thank you, this has given me more insight and the strength to move on.
Shalom!

This helped me realize how wrong my last relationship was. I was holding on for the wrong reasons. It is so easy to be seduced by chemistry rather than character. Thanks for the reality check.

This is just want I needed.

I enjoyed what you had to say and gave me some insight to my own relationship.

Excellent advice. Thanks

Excellent, as a widow of 64, I have been thinking of companionship. This article gives excellent guidelines thankyou Shalom

Thank you for the article. I've printed it out and HOPE that my son (20) will read it. He is involved w/a gentile girl, whom he says is "loving and sensitive" but they have absolutely nothing else in common!!

Your article is very insightful and the ideas are very well put, however I disagree with the gist of #3. In a relationship it is equally important for BOTH to consider each other's needs. It is just as common, and no less out of tune with the natural propensities of men and women, for a relationship to go sour due to the wive's unreasonable expectations as it is due to the husband's. Jewish halacha and hashkafa are equally replete with statements about the husband taking the dominant role in the relationship and the wife aquiescing to her husband's needs as it is with statements about the husband acknowledging the wife's needs. (This is true even in the area of sexual intimacy - there is plenty about the wife considering her husband's need) It is a striking sign of the times that whereas fifty or one hundred years ago the former were more commonly referenced, today the latter are.

The bottom line is that in a relationship BOTH parties need to care about each other, strongly consider each other's needs and, most simply and importantly, just be a mentsch.

Feel free to email me with comments.

Why not just tell us to never marry because with all these conditions, it is almost impossible to find anyone.

Excellent article.should be required reading for all young adults.as a rosh yeshiva i find this article well organized and helpful as a springboard for vaadim/discussions.thanx.

Wish you had taught this to me 18 years ago, perhaps I can teach others before it is to late.

The part that so impressed me was to be "triangulated" this can happen to People. I never looked at it that way
Thank you,
Jeff

I have lost hope I will ever have a happy marriage. I have been guilty of making all ten mistakes you speak about. I see the wisdom in everything you have written; mostly number ten. If I could work through that maybe I wouold have a chance. I'm a manic depressive and a diagnosed bi-polar person. I have taken about every pill invented without success. I have been given 24 shock treatments because the pills didn't seem to work. The ECT treatments did a good job of distroying my short term memory; but it is the sins of a long time ago I can't forget or forgive. My sins I think were worse than murder in my mind. I believe only the power of hashem can help me. I do the best I can performing as many mitvot as possible but I still wait for help to arrive. At fifty years of age it's not easy to keep hoping. Enough of me! Thankyou for your insightful article. All the best.

Your article was informative, realistic, and insightful for me. I have made some of the mistakes asserted in my life, especially, becoming sexually involved too soon. In two situtations, which failed, I became sexually involved immediately. In retrospect, I would have preferred to become better acquainted with the person as a person so that my judgment would not have been clouded by sex. There shall not be a third time where I allow myself to have sex before I experience the person and know her character. More times than not, I feel not the same passion for sex as I once did feel. Sex is more of a hassle than a pleasure. I accept responsibility for having this perspective because I feel such is the disillusion that I feel caused by having had it before having know the person.

Thank you.

Rabbi Heller, I wish I had learned from you 10 years ago when I began my first destructive relationship. This lasted on and off for 7 years. I have experienced controlling and violent behaviors; mistaken 'physical attraction' for a genuine intimacy; and most recently a triangle (man hid behind family of origin's self-made problems to avoid dealing with his own). However, maybe the long-term experience of the first relationship was a blessing--I did not take nearly as long to discontinue the other relationships. I am now learning to be happy as a single woman and developing my own interests so that possibly I can be content in a God-centered partnership. Thank you for encourageing people to choose wisely their partners for life rather than lamenting on the number of singles, want for more children, divorces, etc.

Great article! It's so important to stay focused in a relationship- may these guidlines help all of us stay focused and choose our basherts - our destined one for the right reasons and most of all be truthful to ourselves!

excellent article. should be read by all people who plan to get married!

Thank you for a timely article on this subject. My daughter is seeking and I sent this to her to resolve, hopefully, some of her questions about relationship. Thank you, Ruth Norris

EXCELLENT article, but I disagree with R. Heller's "Never marry potential." Potential is a very different entity than the expectation that someone will change (and I agree with R. Heller that it is unrealistic to expect people to change, as though marriage is some sort of Magic Pill).
In the Orthodox community, it isn't unusual for young men ages 21 - 23 to start their quest for a wife. The fact is, most young women at this age are far more mature than the young men who pursue them. As a mother who has brought several children B"H to the chuppa, I can tell you that in most cases, we evaluate the young men who appear at our daughters' doors by their POTENTIAL, because it is very clear that they are not "there" yet. Of course, as R. Heller has so astutely written, other factors come into play, such as kindness, happiness, responsibility, commonality of life goals, etc. But did the young men who married our daughters look like future heads of households, husbands, and fathers? You've got to be kidding! They looked like overgrown bar mitzvah boys! Fortunately for all concerned, we were able to see their tremendous potential, and they haven't disappointed us!

Dear Rabbi Heller:

i did enjoy your point of view, yet I want to share with you a book ( Please understand me 2, David Keirsey)I read after taking the test Myers-Brigg Type indicator. It has open my eyes to see that everybody sees the world differently, reacts to it differently, and looks into life differently.
I hope you will also enjoy it as much as I did....
Sincerely


Ruth

Dear Rabbi, I am a gentile who reads all your daily material with much interests. It helps me to understand what I believe and why. I also had a destructive relationship early in life. I wish I had your counsel at 23. Now, at 43 I am still single waiting on G-d to show me the right person. I am applying your shared wisdom to my life. I will not try to change a person. I will try more to understand the woman's point of view and desires. I think we all should do short self-evaluations daily to make sure we are doing what is moral and right. Thank you!

Dear Rabbi Dov Heller

thank you so much for this wonderful article
I do not know why you are not back in Israel?
But I especially appreciated the portion of this advice that said "if you are unhappy single - you'll probably be unhappy as a married man or woman."
Thanks again
from a happy single
that would love to be found or to find
my other half.
This spare rib is lonely

This is a tough call. I disagree with the guy being the one to constantly give his wife pleasure. I'd like my wife to be a tomboy. She'll be tougher and I won't always need to kiss up to her.

When I've been on dates with girls I have seen that they are almost brainwashed to what they should look for rather than what they really need. This is a big cause of wrong marriages. Rabbis and fathers trying to enforce what the ideal mate for their daughter would be. Ofcourse another cause is Television and the media subconsciously create ideals in our minds of what the perfect mate should be.(ie film and pop stars) . This causes disatisfaction in the spouses appearance and effects their sex life.

i THINK THAT THIS INFORMATION IS SO HELPFUL, THAT IT SHOULD BE AVAILABLE TO ALL TO BENEFIT FROM!!! THANK YOU FOR PUTTING IT ON THE INTERNET, SO THAT ALL SINGLES WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR LIFE!!!

Great article! I immediately sent it to my son (23) who just ended a disastrous relationship.

Thank you for a very insightful article. You've asserted my views on premarital sex being a bad idea. I wish everyone could read this article before deciding on an eternal mate. So many people marry based soley on feelings of blind love. Thank you and keep the great advice coming!

Rabbi,
I fully agree with everything you have stated. However, I do have one issue and that is that LIFE is not perfect. Every human being has some issue. Some greater then others. So when you state that you can't marry someone emotionally unstable, that would make me come to the conclusion that you can't love, help or possibly end up with someone who has issues. So anotherwards I take that as we as human being will all have problems finding the "perfect mate". Can you possibly give me a response to that?
Thank you.

Rabbi,

Good article. However, stating that 'The husband needs to give her (his wife) consistent, quality attention', without stating that the wife should have the same responsibilites (And, in the real world, many wives will not reciprocate even if the husband does so), along with the fact that the husband must satisfy her sexually, financially, etc.., can create a situation in which women's expectations of men can easily be disappointed (Both in the dating stages and in marriage).

Imagine if, in Jewish business philosophy, the employer's responsibility was to (i) Pay
decent wages on time (ii) Treat the worker fairly, etc.., with no (or little) responsibility placed on the employee.

The statement 'When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen' is simply not true in real marriages a lot of the time. It also implies that the male is at fault when marital tensions occur.

Perhaps the idea is to conteract the stereotype that Judaism is sexist, but the subtle male bashing in this article is simply unwarranted.

This is the best piece of practical advice I have ever read on the subject. I have bookmarked the page. I am unfortunately not concerned anymore, as I have probably done six of the ten mistakes that are listed, but that was for the best, as Barou'h haShem, my boys are the best gift I could get from my wrong partner in life. HaShem knows better.

I'd love Rabbi Dov Heller give me such good advice so as how to go on with my impossible separation from the wrong person...