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My reply to a person considering intermarriage.


Dear Jennifer,

As you know, I regard you highly and always consider your opinions very seriously. I am engaging in this exchange of letters not to badger you, but to help sharpen both your and my perception of this very vital issue.

I know you love Paul very dearly. And everything I have heard about him indicates that he is a wonderful person. I truly believe you when you write that you must marry him because you love him, because he's your "soul mate" and because he fulfills you. The fact that he happens to be a non-Jew is terribly disappointing. That notwithstanding, I am prepared to acknowledge that you and Paul can probably live together and be deliriously happy in marriage, despite your different faiths.

I think you might be surprised by my last sentence. Allow me to explain. The truth of the matter is that most Jews today are very much like the average American non-Jew. That is because, while we might not realize it, 99 44/100 percent of our daily stimuli are non-Jewish. The average Jew in America knows who the mother of Jesus was, but has no clue as to who was the mother of Moses. (No it wasn't Miriam [his sister]; it was Yocheved.) The average Jewish child in America can sing the words to Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly, but doesn't have an idea of what Maoz Tzur (The Chanukah hymn) is. In effect, the differences between Jew and gentile have really diminished to the point of them being inconsequential.

Related Article: The Revolutionary Revelation

That is why I believe that for many Jews today there is really no truly compelling reason why both Jews and non-Jews shouldn't seek out the most socially acceptable soul mate for themselves, irrespective of faith. Furthermore, I don't believe that the slightly higher rate of divorces that intermarried couples experience makes a big difference; after all, 3 out of 5 marriages in America end in divorce anyway.

The melting pot that our grandparents prayed for in America has turned into a meltdown for Jewish life.

Neither do I feel that because six million Jews died in the Holocaust you or anyone else has an obligation to marry Jewish in order to perpetuate the Jewish people. If one is positively moved to perpetuate the Jewish people in light of the Holocaust, fine. Otherwise, it's important for every person to do what's best for oneself.

Yes, it's true that the melting pot that our grandparents prayed for in America has turned into a meltdown for Jewish life. But, those are cosmic issues of Jewish continuity and Jewish survival, and it's unreasonable for anyone to expect that those issues play a decisive role in our choice of individual mates. We have to live our lives as best we can, and let the cosmic powers work out the cosmic issues.

Related Article: Why Not Intermarry

However, I do believe that there is one compelling reason why a Jew might choose not to intermarry. You see, throughout human history, the Jewish people have been at the forefront of working toward what we Jews call Tikkun Olam (perfection of the world). Our Torah introduced revolutionary ideas into the world, and we, the Jewish people, are "chosen" to be a "light unto the nations" to bring these ideas into the broad marketplace of human civilization.

It is our Torah that first introduced the revolutionary concepts of "Love thy neighbor as thyself," care for the orphan, the widow, the infirm, the stranger. Our Torah mentions "love of the stranger" 36 times, more than any other mitzvah mentioned in the Torah!

It was our Torah that introduced to the world the concept of not causing undue pain to animals, and yes even the concept of conservation. It's our Torah that says that a person must "work" the land and "guard" the land, that the land must lay fallow one year in seven to regenerate itself. It's our Torah that says that even in times of war, one may not cut down a fruit-bearing tree, even when Jewish soldiers' lives are at stake, or divert the waterworks of the city under siege.

It's our Torah that says that even in times of battle, soldiers must get rid of their bodily wastes properly. In effect, we were the first members of the Sierra club; we were the first movers and shakers to save the whales and preserve the Darter Snail.

It is this beautiful and revolutionary tradition which we have successfully transmitted to the nations of the world, through modeling and osmosis. In fact, it was our Torah that proclaimed for the first time "Thou shalt not murder." And although Hammurabi recorded the exact same words 300 years earlier in his Canaanite code, its meaning for the ancient Canaanites was entirely different. According to Hammurabi's code, if I killed my neighbor's son, my neighbor could come and kill my son. If I raped my neighbor's daughter, my neighbor could rape my daughter, or take my daughter as a concubine. If I killed my neighbor's slave, I could give my neighbor 15 camels and we=d be even. For Hammurabi, human life was simply chattel, property. Therefore, if I caused someone to suffer a loss of property, then I had to restore it, or suffer a similar loss.

Three hundred years later the Torah said "Thou shalt not murder" -- the words were exactly the same, but the intention was light years apart. Our Torah posits that every person is responsible for his/her own actions, for his/her own crime. The Torah insists that one can not punish the innocent son of a murderer for a crime that his father committed.

We can look upon Jewish history proudly as one unending series of ethical and moral triumphs and accomplishments.

In fact, our Torah enlightened the world with the idea of the concept of the sanctity of human life -- that when you take a human life, you have committed a crime against what the ancients called "God," what philosophers today have renamed "society." That's why murder indictments today are usually in the form of the "State of California vs John Doe," because the whole world has adopted our view of what "Thou shall not murder" means, and subscribes to the Jewish idea of the sanctity of human life.

I could go on and on and cite hundreds, perhaps thousands, of revolutionary ideas that Jewish tradition introduced into this world, that Western society has adopted. The Jewish people have worked assiduously for the perfection of the world, and while the world is not yet perfect, we can look upon Jewish history proudly as one unending series of ethical and moral triumphs and accomplishments.

And perhaps even more remarkably, the Jews did not enlighten the world by forcing their beliefs on others through crusades and holy wars. Jews did not say "Kiss the Jewish star or else we'll chop off your head!" We did it by modeling. And, while we still have a way to go, we can be extremely proud of what we've accomplished.

Yes, Jennifer you can live happily ever after with Paul. But if you choose to marry him, you will no longer be part of that incredible legacy which has worked toward spiritually purifying and enlightening the world. You might say "big deal," that is your choice. I and my fellow Jews feel that it is a big deal. In fact it's the most important thing that we can do with our lives – "to enlighten the world under the rule of the Almighty."

We know that even when Jews marry Jews, it is very difficult to live the kind of committed life which will bring honor to the Jewish people and to God. There are plenty of in-married Jews who have no idea of what our Divine mission is. They might remain Jews, but their impact will be negligible. It is very likely that only a small number of Jews who devote their lives to preserving and transmitting this Divine message are going to continue to make a difference in this world. Unfortunately, for those who are not married to Jews, the chances of promoting those ideas and ideals, no matter how noble their intentions, are virtually nil.

The choice is to be a part of an unbroken legacy to keep the chain of this Divine mission alive.

And so in the final analysis, you need to realize that the choice you are making is not only a decision to live your life with a particular man, who happens not to be Jewish. The choice you are making now is the choice of being part of a legacy, an unbroken legacy, of 150 generations of Jews who preceded you, who fought with their values, ideals and in many instances, their lives, to keep the chain of this Divine mission alive. It is this determination that has allowed us the privilege of seeing an enlightened environment that has adopted so many of those traditions and incorporated them in to their own value system.

I want you to know that I will always love you. But if you choose to marry Paul and he does not convert, you will have effectively cut yourself off from 3,300 years of the most glorious and enlightened tradition, a tradition which is single-mindedly dedicated to the sacred mission of teaching the world the idea of the sanctity of human life and "perfecting the world under the rule of the Almighty."

All I can ask now is that you consider my words and make an intelligent decision.

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The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 53

(25) Robert, June 11, 2011 5:55 PM

What a roll model

Unfortunatley I am not Jewish.I am Christian ,however I study Jewish tradition and follow ,,Where possible ,,Jewish teaching on daily life .This letter is a wonderfull description the rules for life as handed to us by God ..If only the world would see the value in this way of life ...Thank you ,,So well written ...

(24) Anonymous, June 10, 2011 5:14 PM

Every Jew has a tremendous amount of spiritual potential, however, it is nearly impossible for one to even begin to comprehend the enormity of this potential without having had some exposure to Torah Judaism and taking at least a first few steps realizing one’s own potential. I was very fortunate to have been in touch with a wonderful community at the time I was dating a non-Jew. Had somebody just “told” me that I would missing out, I would not have believed them. It wasn’t until I saw Torah Judaism in action, experienced Shabbos, and learned with people in the community that I began to get a tiny glimpse of my potential living a committed Jewish life. I am very happy that I married Jewish. However, I understand how someone without exposure to Torah Judaism could easily marry a non-Jew and have a seemingly satisfying relationship for many years without ever knowing what he or she is missing.

(23) Andy, June 10, 2011 5:39 AM

Is intermarriage a communal loss or a personal loss

Without a viable Torah community living and teaching God's laws the societal advances Rabbi Buchwald rightfully attributes to the Jews can easily be reversed .It has happened often in history . It seems to me that the pattern was established even before the giving of Torah at Mt Sinai. In the commentaries on the bible in Genesis we learn Abraham and Sarah spent much of their lives teaching monotheism to the pagan world, but only one family of 70 souls went down to Egypt. The rest of the world they influenced seemingly reverted back to paganism. If Jews today were to cease to exist as a Torah based community it seems to me likely that the same thing would happen. Many isms already have appeared that have threatened mankind's advance from might equals right, to a society dedicated to the principles that all men are created equal in God's image . That answers why the world needs Jews but does not answer why all Jews need only marry Jews. Maybe the author or someone can elaborate on The Jewish idea of kiddushim/holiness in marriage. As I understand it that is only possible in a marriage between a Jewish man and Jewish woman.

(22) Izzie, June 9, 2011 6:57 PM

It can work if...

I am a Jewish woman, raised in an Orthodox home. I married my non-Jewish husband 27 years ago. He has never converted. Before we married, we came to the agreement that we would have a Jewish home and raise our children with ONLY Judaism. It was important to me that I not only maintained my very strong Jewish identity and practices, but that I pass that on to my children as well. My husband was willing to not only accept that, but work hard with me to make it a reality. Of course, this didn't fly so well with my husband's family, but we stood firm, together, against their criticism and overt attempts to introduce Christianity (and non-kosher food!) to our children. We simply wouldn't allow it. My family, over time, realized that my husband was unwavering in his support of our having a Jewish home and family, and accepted him graciously. While marriage has not always been easy (and the hard parts have had nothing to do with being intermarried), it has always been worth the commitments we made to each other. I firmly believe it's ALL about having deep respect for one another, for what we have built together and constant open and honest communication. We have raised our five amazing children to be caring, responsible adults, all Torah observant Jews. We could not be more proud of them. And yes, we are still crazy about each other, too.

(21) Anonymous, June 9, 2011 1:48 PM

Jews treatment of other Jews - No Third Temple

I live in Brooklyn, New York. I am a Jew. I am as observant a Jew as those who attend the Orthodox Synagogue Across the street from me. My issue is the behaviour of my neighbors, and this is not limited to me. I have heard stories from others. The wives and mothers won't talk to people other that those who are dressed like them. They hurry their children away so as not to have them contaminate them with people not from their particular sect. In one situation, this has gone to the point were they have written on the walls of their apartment house that others (Jews) are not welcome. This is based upon attire. I am currently reading Ezekiel, and I have no worries about the coming of the Third Temple, just based upon our treatment of each other

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