How To Be a Good Shabbat Guest

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Every family loves having sleep-over Shabbat guests.

But there is a reality you should be aware of: Families with children can entail a lot of juggling. Between laundry, Shabbat cooking, taking kids to the doctor… by the time Shabbat rolls around, everyone (especially the parents!) is looking forward to a bit of a break.

That's where you, the Shabbat guest, come in. How can you be a good guest, while making your visit even more pleasurable? Try following these basic guidelines:

1) Beforehand: Be sure to inform your hosts ahead of time of any dietary requirements -- allergies, vegetarianism, etc. Most hosts would prefer going to the extra effort to prepare what you will eat, rather than have you sit there and go hungry in their home!

2) What to Bring: Bring a gift. The safest thing is flowers, or wine if you're familiar with your hosts standards of kashrut. You could also bring something to help keep the kids entertained -- a ball or card game. Just make sure it is something the kids can play with on Shabbat (i.e. it's not muktzah), and also be sensitive that it's in the spirit of a Torah home (i.e. no Ninja Mutant Turtle toys).

3) When to Arrive: Do not arrive three minutes before candle-lighting. One of your host's many Shabbat preparations is to make sure their guests are settled in and taken care of with sheets, towels, etc. If you arrive at the last minute, you're adding to the rush and tension. But don't come too early, either -- parents and children may be taking a nap, or washing the floor. The best time to arrive is 45-60 minutes before candle-lighting. This gives you enough time to get settled, and you can use the spare minutes to offer to help -- setting the table, holding a baby, playing with the kids, etc.

4) At the Table: The Mishne Brura says it's a mitzvah to invite students for Shabbat because they add Divrei Torah to the Shabbat table. So don't disappoint: Have one or two Divrei Torah prepared. Don't worry -- it doesn't have to be a genius innovation. Just share something you learned about the parsha, or a personal experience that you found inspiring. And don't wait to be asked; you can simply chime in.

A corollary to this is: Don't talk about sports, movies, or politics (unless your host brings it up). Many families try to keep their Shabbat conversation to words of Torah. Be sensitive to the atmosphere!

5) Help around the house: Though it may seem like everything in the house is under control, families (particularly with small children) need all the help they can get. In other words, don't sit back the entire meal while your host does everything. After the meal, help clear the dishes. (Be careful to first ask on which countertop they belong, as not to mix milk and meat.) Also, avoid throwaway phrases like, "Do you need help"; people will politely say, "No, thanks," when in fact they do need the help.

6) Davening: Whether you are aware of it or not, the children of the house look at adults -- you included -- as a "role model." It is discouraging for the hosts, and not the best example for the kids, when you go late to davening… or skip it altogether. You may want to bring your own personal siddur, since the family (or shul) may not have the kind you're used to.

7) After Shabbat: Havdalah is not your signal to race home. Havdalah means that your hosts have to give baths, prepare school lunches, wash the floor, and, you guessed it: wash piles and piles of dishes. Volunteering 20 minutes to wash dishes makes a big difference and shows your appreciation. And offer to take the sheets off your bed and put them in the laundry bin.

8) Follow-up: Saying "thank you" as you head out the door is nice. But much nicer is to articulate your appreciation for the accommodations, delicious food, and even how adorable the children are! And the next time you see your host, be sure to again express how much you enjoyed Shabbat. Want to be a really big tzaddik? Take one minute to call (or email) and say thank you.

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Published: May 15, 2004

Visitor Comments: 14

(14) Anonymous, May 11, 2011 12:40 AM

Your information is helping me a lot with my new relationship. I appreciate all the information given. Even though I read this after the fact, I did most of the rituals as I was supposed to, Thank G_d. I wish I would have read this information beforehand and I would have been a little bit more prepared on what to expect. The hosts(specially) his little girl made me feel very comfortable because she took me in and took me through the motions, prayers in hebrew etc. It was a beautiful, fenomenal, interesting and wonderful experience as well as evening. It is absolutely beautiful! I enjoyed it tremendously. It is true that one will never go to sleep without having learned something new every day.

(13) Gary, April 4, 2010 2:03 PM

I wish i had found this article sooner. I will try to remind myself to look again at this article before my next time as a Shabbat guest

(12) rachel leah, December 23, 2009 9:01 PM

Thanks for guidelines to help nervous guests!

i well remember the many mistakes i made as i began staying overnight at peoples homes for Shabbos! this is a helpful guide i wish i'd had. another suggestion would be to ask your host if you can pick anything up at the bakery or grocery store for them. i also ask brought my own bencher because i'm not fluent in Hebrew.

(11) yisroel, February 2, 2009 12:56 AM

please spread

Try this: when asked by your relatives and friends what you want for your birthday answer them that you want them to not work on Shabbat or eat pork(if they are Jewish) it could be any good deed and ask them to it for eleven months for example, for afterwards they won’t want to go back. Imagine if each person who reads this tries this act for their birthday from all his friends and relatives, then there will be so many more people doing mitzvahs. Pass this on, please!

(10) Anonymous, July 13, 2008 11:55 AM

What happens at the home stays there....

As a convert-to-be, I spent many, many weekends as a Shabbos guest while I studied for my conversion. It was invaluable for many of us who did not grow up or live in an observant home to be able to learn how to 'do' Shabbos. As important as how to handle various things like cooking beforehand and juggling dishes, was how to deal with the unexpected... the light that burned out in the bathroom in the middle of the night, the Shabbos day that was unexpectedly too warm for the heat setting or the gift given during the Shabbos by an unknowledgable guest without causing the guest discomfort or embarassment (I was the guest... there were SO many things I didn't know at first.) The other guideline I would add is that it is always a good idea to NOT discuss your stay or anything that occurred with any other hostess, whether good or bad. As a non-Jew, we were not schooled in the laws of Lashon Hora, but the principle remains the same. Speaking about a prior experience, with any identifying detail, is not a good idea. Even praising the prior experience can be taken as criticism by your current hostess.

Overall, I was very grateful for all the wonderful households who hosted me over that time. I gained invaluable insight into running my own Shabbos home, as well as forming lasting friendships in the Jewish community.

(9) Marcy, October 19, 2006 1:25 PM

agreed upon

As a regular guest at various homes I see all points mentioned valid. Every host/hostess appreciates the extra hand. On top of that, by lending a hand one brings pleasure to their soul. SO if you're in the same boat as I, feel free to view these Shabbosim as a time of bliss. since it's a free opportunity plundge deeper and deeper in performing acts of kindness. Wishing one & all only the best.

Sincerely,

Marcy

(8) Yisrael, July 21, 2006 12:00 AM

Some Modesty consideratations

This is an over all great article but some additional comments.For Men: Don't call the woman of the house by her fisrt name, in some homes this is too informal, to be safe call her Mrs. So and So until she asks you to use her first name. Also, some people have the custom that the men sing while the women are preparing the next course, if you don't see the husband get up, stay put, it might not be apropriate to be alone in the kitchen with his wife.Women: Modest dress. Besure that you dress modestly, if you don't know what your host expects, ask them. Also follow the example of the woman of the house, for what they might expect of you. If you get there and you think you might not be modest enough, ask to borrow some clothing, your host will apreciate it.All: Wait for your host to seat you, different families have their own customs as to where people should sit.

(7) Eliana, July 5, 2006 12:00 AM

Shabbat guest

Wonderful advice and very helpful. Thank you for sharing.

(6) Jewishmom, March 29, 2006 12:00 AM

Afternoon naps

One gratefully accepted help on shabbos is to watch the kids for an hour or so. they often sit a bit on the sidelines while the guests and their parents are socializing, etc, with each other and cherish their own "guest time". it doesn't hurt the parents or guest any either!

(5) Anonymous, February 19, 2005 12:00 AM

one more thing

One more thing not mentioned in this article, but very much appreciated, is for the sleep over guests (especially seminary/yeshiva students) to bring their own bed linen. It's not a big deal to them to bring their own sheets, they can keep using them when they get back to Yeshiva, and it makes such a tremendous difference to the family with little children, that is already swimming in, and overwhelmed with laundry. A very considerate gesture to tell your hosts not to make the bed, that you will just bring with your own sheets, and not cause them any more laundry to do...

(4) Cheryl, February 9, 2005 12:00 AM

Preparing for Shabbat

When I read your simplified,but very direct instructions pertaining to shabbat, my heart leaped with joy and much enthusiasm.You answered many questions that I needed very much to be not only aswered and calarified. Thank very much

(3) Pamela, January 9, 2005 12:00 AM

Social skills need to be taught

As a teacher of special education students,I have learned thatnot only people with special needs lack social skills but that all people need to be instructed in courtesy of social skills. Not all families teach or model such niceties. Thank you for providing this article. I have a daugther that will soon be going away to college and hope she will be invited to a home for Shabbat dinner or that she will be able to be involved in Hillel or other Jewish Youth organization where she will need to be reminded of such things.

(2) Chana Levin, December 19, 2004 12:00 AM

Shabbas guests

One particularly great idea is for the guest/s to offer to watch the kids on Shabbas afternoon so the parents can take a well-earned rest. They can play a quiet game, read stories or take them for a walk. We've had many guests over the years but only a few ever offered to watch our kids this way. But those who did we still remember fondly!

(1) Bonnie, November 28, 2004 12:00 AM

Fantastic Web Site!

Wow, I'm so impressed with the improvements you've made on this site. It's fantastic! I especially like the Shabbat section.

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Rabbi Shraga Simmons

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Rabbi Shraga Simmons spent his childhood trekking through snow in Buffalo, New York. He holds a degree in journalism from the University of Texas at Austin, and rabbinic ordination from the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. He is the senior editor of Aish.com and the director of JewishPathways.com.

An expert on media bias, he was the founding editor of HonestReporting.com, and is the author of David & Goliath: The Explosive Inside Story of Media Bias in the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict (2012). With drama and a biting edge, David & Goliath is a definitive treatment, fully resourced with over 2,000 footnotes. Readers are privy to secret negotiations with CNN executives, and how a grassroots campaign was cited by the New York Times as effecting sweeping changes in Mideast media coverage.

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Rabbi Simmons lives with his wife and children in the Modi'in region of Israel.