(1) Malka 4/9/2008 11:53:00 AM
A Happy mom is a better mom
Shira,

Thanks for this insight. I was thinking along the same lines.

-Malka


(2) anonymous 1/25/2008 8:38:00 AM
public forum where people discuss important issues
"I'm so sorry that Stacey does not realize that her place at home" is not a "discussion" of important issues. It's a cheap shot and was correctly pointed out as such in previous posts.


(3) Shirah 1/24/2008 7:57:00 PM
A Happy mom is a better mom
Stacey, your story resonates with me. I am 29 years old, have just celebrated my 4th wedding anniversary and have an incredible 3 year old daughter. I work in the non-profit fundraising world and love my job. I am a happier parent for doing something that fulfills me as a person. I tried to stay home full time but realized that it truly is quality time versus the quantity of time you spend with your family that counts. So we rely on the kibbutz theory ( as mentioned above) and include other wonderful Jewish people in the raising of our daughter and my husband and I both agree we are a better family for it. Yashar Koach to you!

(4) Anonymous 1/24/2008 3:35:00 PM
Kibbutzim failed our children.
That's why there are almost no kibbutzim left - certainly not the kind that communally raise their children away from their parents' warmth.

It's pretty obvious that children of all ages need their parents, and it's equally obvious that many (most?) parents have no choice but to work outside the home. The only debate here is among those people (why is it always women?) who WANT to work - for whom it's optional. It's a legitimate topic. To the poster who decried these "mean-spirited" comments about author Stacey, this is a public forum where people discuss important issues. It's not so surprising that we're sharing our opinions, and I'm sure that's what Aish HaTorah intended when posting this article.

Most women I know would love to work from home or part-time, but that's rarely possible. What do we do when faced with our children's need for mommy, and also our own need to earn money, not to mention use our brains and talk about something other than Thomas the Tank Engine for a little while?


(5) Anonymous 1/24/2008 4:58:00 AM
Would you call a Kibutz a Modern invention too?
Seriously Judith, have you been stuck at home too long to remember that collective child raising environments are as much of our history as anything else? Stop being so judgmental and realize, with the exception of a very few, we all want what is best for our children. If we chose to rely on our Jewish Community to help us while we do our piece of Tikun Olam, than I would say we are pretty job raising our children.


(6) Judith 1/23/2008 1:33:00 PM
he's 16 months!
Erin Silverman - a 16 month old baby has no need for school. He has a need for Mommy. How many hours a day/week does the baby spend in school?

Sending a baby to school is a modern-day invention to accomodate mothers who are not raising their babies themselves.



(7) Dvirah 1/23/2008 9:32:00 AM
Working is not Always Optional
In my family I am the principle - often the only - breadwinner, so working is not an option but a necessity. When chided for not being enough at home with the kids, I point out that my "love and warmth" may not be so perceptible to a child who says "I'm hungry" only to be answered "we have no food"; "I'm cold" only to be told "we have no power" (to warm the house). Someone must provide these things too. If that someone is me, then so be it.


(8) Anonymous 1/22/2008 3:28:00 PM
Unbelievable
I have read the comments to this article and cannot believe some of the mean spirited responses to the life aspirations shared by Mrs. Steinberg. Clearly, these people are so interested in justifying their own decisions in life that they have lost all common sense when reading about how someone else has chosen to successfully make her own career and family decisions.
It is clear to me that Ms. Steinberg was not seeking advice when she wrote this article, she was merely sharing her story. For all of you people who thought it was your place to tell her how to live her life...get one of your own.


(9) Chava 1/22/2008 2:34:00 PM
More power to you, Stacey!
Stacey, I think you are doing wonderful! It's great to see how a woman combines a socially important job with having a family. So what if you have to make shortcuts sometimes with your baby or your job......also fulltime mothers are not necessarily perfect mothers and sometimes raising a family only leaves women with a great amount of intellectual frustration and emotionally overwrought. I really think young women should muster the courage to take up a meaningful career and also raise a family. And yes, at the same time!


(10) Debby 1/22/2008 2:15:00 PM
honest and truthful
i applaud Stacey for her honest and truthful protrayal of what many women feel about their dual roles in our society. Ultimately it is up to each of us to make the decisions that work best for our lives. Being a preschool director, i watch mothers and fathers all day long struggle with the constant balancing act. Truth be told, having a 17 year old and 9 year old, i continue to struggle with these issues myself. It is hard work, it is always a work in progress and some days it comes easier than others. One thing i have learned though from watching parents with all different stories all day long is that as long as you feel good about your decisions, everything else will fall into place and the answer doesn't have to always be the same either. If you are feeling too off center, then take a day off or a week or have a cup of coffee and reflect on what feels different now that was okay a few days ago. Stacey is right, you can have it all but maybe it may not look exactly as you pictured it. Be flexible and at the end of the day, trust your instincts, you'll probably make the right decisions for you.


(11) Erin SIlverman 1/22/2008 1:51:00 PM
Don't feel sorry for Mason.
Mason spends every minute of every day of his life surrounded by people who love him dearly and place his best interest as paramount. Mason spent his entire first year in the care of family members and, ever since becoming a toddler, has benefitted from the rich educational and social offerings of a top-rated Jewish dayschool. I personally feel sorry for Stacey, and for every other mom who chooses to continue working, thereby subjecting herself to the "holier than thou" rantings of ignorant individuals.


(12) nechami 1/22/2008 8:30:00 AM
sorry for mason
I'm so sorry that stacey does not realize that her place at home and especially her place as Mason's mom can not be replaced by anyone. The love, level of care and affection that only a mother can give can never be replaced nor retrieved ever again. once the time has past the time is gone. There is always another attorney or judge to prosecute and put away bad people, but the time that mason is missing out with his mother is irreplaceable. No other woman can give the kind of love that a mother can. It is so sad to see that today woman so easily give up this special bond and opportunity to nurture their children. and what for? some more materialistic things or the feeling of "power" oy vay! The most caring day care in the world will not provide the bond and love that a mother can give. I got married young and raised my childeren. We spent days at the park, library and at home playing. I felt confident that I was providing a warm, loving environment for my children to become functional adults. Now that they are grown I have gone back to school to pursue my career. I will never regret not spending time with my children or being there for them, or having to choose between them and work. Women today just do not see the great position they hold as nurturers and loving moms. I hope for Mason's sake stacey will reconsider staying at home with mason while he is still young, because very soon that time will be lost, and all she will have is an empty house, and empty heart and a job.


(13) Esther 1/21/2008 9:40:00 PM
I'm jealous!
I always thought that you can't have it all, too, and when I had kids, I made the decision to leave the workforce. (I'm a decade older than the author and considerably less bubbly these days.)

I've thrown myself into having children and raising them in an observant lifestyle, and it's very rewading and wonderful. I don't think I'd do it differently.

But at the same time I'm aware of having permanently ruined my resume. I have advanced degrees from prestigious universities, and was on a great career path several years ago when I quit my job. Today, I've applied for much lower-level part-time jobs (because we need the money) and been told that I've been out of the workforce too long to get even those.

I've always comforted myself by saying there's a trade-off, and I chose children over career. But then I read an article like this, and wonder if I was wrong. Most of my friends are conflicted; many of them have ruined their resumes (believe me, once you're out of the workforce a decade, nobody wants to touch you). Other friends still work, but the fact is they don't spend all day with their children the way I can. Maybe I'm deluding myself that you can't have it all, but I'll still cling to my belief that there is a trade-off. Perhaps if Ms. Steinberg has a larger family she'll alter her definition of balance. Good luck to her, though, and congratulations on "having it all" - or seeming to - at the tender age of 27. I just wish I could fast-forward ahead and hear if she's still this upbeat at 37, too.


(14) Devorah 1/21/2008 4:54:00 PM

Thanks for the article. It hit home. I am also a working full time mother. I had to leave my baby at 7 weeks old to go back to work. Now thank g-d she is 8 months old. Yes I still leave her in tears and full of guilt on many days, but I have no other choice. When I come home to her and on weekends I give her my 100%. I think she feels that and one day soon, when she's old enough, she will thank me. Now days many women don't have the option of staying home, so if we have to work, we have to try to make the best out of it. It's not quantity of hour with the child it's also the quality of time spent with them as well. PRAY. That's what I do to help me go through the week. Good luck to all the mothers!


(15) Anonymous 1/21/2008 1:35:00 PM
Nice article
I read this article with interest, as I too am an attorney and rarely read of observant lawyer-moms. However, I didn't get married at 23 like the author and have no children yet, so I felt a twang of jealously reading about her perfect husband and child. Advice to #16, get out of the firm and into an in-house corporate or government position, which is far less demanding and more flexible.


(16) Batsheva 1/21/2008 8:34:00 AM
Been there, done that
Mazal tov on all your accomplishments. I am two decades older than you, observant, have two teenagers and one in elementary. I also have a master's degree, and until my middle one was two, commuted to a fast-track job in corporate communications. Today, in order to have it all, I work as many hours as I can as a consultant. I choose my clients and projects to accommodate my children's busy schedules and Shabbat. I have carved out my own territory, and you can too. It isn't always easy, but it's worth it. Just remember, your neshama isn't about your law degree or how many children you have and how accomplished they are. It's about what you quietly accomplish to make the world a better place. I wish you the strength and the courage to use your blessings -- your strong family ties, your education, your youthful passion -- to make a kiddush Hashem in this world.


(17) Anonymous 1/21/2008 7:05:00 AM
Helping others
Stacey's profession is the ultimate in serving others. She is using her law degree not to make lots of money, but to stand up for weak and vulnerable women and children. I think we should commend her for her mitzvot, not criticize her for working outside the home.

I think most comments are missing the point with what Stacey was getting at in her article. Motherhood is the most cherished and most important part of her life. But, like so many other young women today, our society never prepared her for the ultimate contrast that exists when a woman spends years in school perfecting her craft or getting an education.

Once again, I commend Stacey for the work she does on behalf of the most vulnerable in our communities.



(18) Anonymous 1/21/2008 2:00:00 AM
boasting is not pretty
Having it all is one thing, but dreaming of showing it off to your friends at you ten-year H.S. anniversary is both ugly and unwise. Each person makes the choices that are hopefully right for oneself. Judging and comparing is useless. Obviously a career minded mother (as opposed to a working mom) is limited in the time she can devote to her family, but I'm sure you'll find the balance that suits your priorities. Realize that none of your achievements would be possible without G-d's blessings; that might curtail your boastfulness.


(19) Scc 1/20/2008 8:53:00 PM
Having It All...
My mother stayed home to raise us, but we were so poor! Today mothers are forced to work to survive. I think it's great. I loved this article!


(20) Devorah 1/20/2008 8:38:00 PM
naive
Hannah,
Believe me, I understand the desire to "have it all," but I think this article painted a bit too rosy a picture.
Look, it isn't easy to be a stay-at-home mom. It's much more glamorous to put on the suit and get a paycheck than to clean up spilled milk, kiss scraped knees and change one more diaper. But wanting your child to "see and respect my ambition" sounds a bit selfish to me. What about teaching kids that having children isn't just about conception and delivery, but also about being there and raising them into fine human beings? Lastly, since you don't yet have children, you don't know the feeling of your heart being ripped open when you leave your baby to go to work. Perhaps you'll feel differently when the time comes.



(21) karen 1/20/2008 7:44:00 PM
comment to stacey and Hannah (number 3)
dear stacey i really enjoyed reading your article and your honesty in potraying the hard balance of motherhood and career. being a mother of two, and finishing up my masters was hard as well. i always doubted those women who said that their house is running perfectly and they are all into their school work as well. I believe that something is always being compromised on. now i chose to stay at home for a while before continuing on. i had a comment to make about the previous commentor "My mother did not indulge my selfish desires to have her all the time and I am grateful for that." i don't think it is selfish to have amother at home. you mentioned that in your country ladies worked usually. okay if it is a cultural norm and if a lady feels like she needs to get out and get a career thats 100% okay, but i would not say that it is ideal! there has to be some place at home that you are cutting corners. it is not a selfish desire of a little girl ( and teenagers)to miss their mom, it is their rightful duty. yes, a mom can be a career woman but at the same time she has to realise that being a super mom aint going to work 100% in all areas! being 100% there for the kids, having all the patience when you walk in to the door and starting bedtime and dinner routine is not the same when you were home the whole day and when you were out in work. children need to have a mother/father figure at home with them and the sense of security that mommy/daddy is their for ANYTHING i need. this will raise healthy children in a society filled with many mental disorders. this is not an impossible task for one that is working however, it is a very hard balance that be constantly evaluated if the kids are the ones bwing neglected or my new assignment at work. all the best! thanks.


(22) Anonymous 1/20/2008 6:21:00 PM
you CAN have it all but NOT all at once
how true - i'm in my late 40s, with a successful career and husband and 5 children. i'm not sorry about my career path, but yes, there definately is a sacrifice in terms of relationship time with the children. of course there is always 'quality time' - just never enough.


(23) Sar 1/20/2008 3:27:00 PM
Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this article! I was just accepted into law school and I would like a career similar to yours, but I've also always wanted a family. Thank you for sharing that I can do both!


(24) Eleanor Gibson 1/20/2008 2:24:00 PM
choice
Through most of human history women did not have a choice about working or mothering. We did both or didn't eat. The farmers wife worked just as hard and long as he did, often in the fields. Read the Women of Valor again, sounds like a working mother to me.


(25) Anonymous 1/20/2008 1:56:00 PM
Having it all can only be done if a husband is
willing to help his wife run the house. If one spouse is doing everything than it is not only unfair, but a burden on the wife, and the burn out causes the family to suffer a great deal. Marriage is a 2 way street, and both spouses should support one another in all areas. This is the only way carreers and family can be maintained by both genders.
Thanks for a very informative dialogue here.


(26) Chanah 1/20/2008 12:52:00 PM
Excellent!
I'm thrilled to see an article posted on a website representing observant Judaism which illustrates a woman having a meaningful career - providing her talents and mind beyond the home.

I can envision a world where many more fathers are on the playground, driving carpool, and taking their children to swim class than there have been in the past.

It's time for society and workplaces to provide flexibility for both men and women to be able to take responsibility and joy in both community life and family life.



(27) Hannah 1/20/2008 11:57:00 AM
no regrets
Hi, Stacey, thanks for sharing with others your thoughts and feelings. I am a product of a marriage just as yours. My parents had careers and even now, in their 60's they don't want to even think of retirement. They were workaholic. I grew up in a different country where working women were a normal way of living. Only 1 of my friends' mother stayed home. I missed my mom. I wished she spent more time with me. This was a selfish desire of a little girl. But now I appreciate the lesson she taught me - you can have both, motherhood and career and have fun with both of them at the same time. You can raise a great child or children and teach them to value themselves, to strive for higher goals in life. And her love for her work was a n example for me. Now I will not settle for a job that just gives me security. I want and have an interesting and secure job, thank God and thank my parents. My mother did not indulge my selfish desires to have her all the time and I am grateful for that. Otherwise I would grow up a spoiled brat. Today I have respect for people's ambitions. I am not a mother yet. But I hope to become soon. But I will not give up what fills my heart with pleasure to be a 100% stay home mother. I want my child to see and respect my ambition. I want to be an example of a woman who can be all she wants to be: a mother, a professional, and a person who loves life.


(28) ES 1/20/2008 11:55:00 AM
Having it all
Stacey, your words are unbelievably inspiring to me and were the final step in finally pushing me "over the edge" to follow my dream of starting my own gluten-free dog biscuit company so I can be home with my darling daughter Malka Ruth (almost exactly the same age as your Mason)! Mazel Tov on finding your balance! It's wonderful to know that we're not all lost on this island alone!


(29) Elana 1/20/2008 11:50:00 AM
Motherhood unique
Having Baruch Hashem been blessed with a child a few months ago, I see each day that while I had thought I could look to work again some time soon after, I wouldn't want to miss any of the precious moments and developments that come every day..or those little eyes looking up at me for love and comfort and of course the smile which melts a mother's heart..a baby is only a baby once and I think provides more joy and satisfaction than anything else can. There'a always an internal feeling - what would it be like if I did this or that...but the key is to try feel the joy from what we've chosen if it seems the best decision.


(30) Jennifer 1/20/2008 11:01:00 AM
Sooner or later, we all have to choose
I think every woman eventually has to choose, because I don't think a woman can be the best mother possible while diverting her attention to other time-consuming things like work. Children are a blessing from G-d. To care for them as they deserve we, as mothers, must focus every drop of our attention, energy, love, and passion upon them. Anything that prevents us from doing so necessarily detracts from G-d's blessing, and we run the risk of telling G-d that we have no need of his blessings. This would be unacceptable.

I am happy for you because you have a career you like. But it can't possibly fulfill you like being a mother and servant of G-d's blessing. Unless you have grown so accustomed to the worldly luxuries of life that you cannot live without the money your career provides, I urge you to focus yourself on your beautiful son.




(31) Anonymous 1/20/2008 10:52:00 AM
Attorney/Mom Balance
i was a stay-at-home-mom for 4 years until I could no longer afford to do it. The problem is that I could not find a part-time attorney position ANYWHERE. now I am working full-time and full of anxiety about the effect this will have on my children. I also have a hard time at work b/c I can't bill the hours that everyone else can. Between the kids and Shabbat, all of my time is booked. I am on my 3rd nanny, with the previous ones calling in sick so much that my husband and I were both missing work constantly. Is this just the life of a mommy attorney? Can anyone offer any advice?


(32) Rosen 1/20/2008 8:40:00 AM
Resourcefulness and crossroads
Thanks for sharing that article on whether one can have it all. It makes sense that you can have it all, but not at the same time, since the glass is always half-empty/half-full. It takes balance and patience...With me, I am currently at a crossroads between post-college graduation and finding permanent full-time work. In the middle of this, I have been resourceful with balancing my time with applying to jobs online and thru the mail, spending time with friends and family, working part-time as needed, and trying to make ends meet financially, all while I still live at home with my folks - the job market is quite competitive for full-time, permanent work and the housing market is lagging due to the high cost of rent and mortgage, as well as the subprime meltdown which won't allow people any longer to get home loans without good credit (not that my credit score is bad necessarily). All in all, I can have it all by being resourceful and balancing my time with my lifestyle activities.


(33) mike 1/20/2008 7:48:00 AM
having it all
At some point everyone realizes that they cannot "have it all". You can give just so many activities your 100%, but there is a limit. I find many people jealous when someone wants to cut back in one or more activity (i.e. work) to try to give more time to something else. But honestly, you cannot "have it all", rather you can have portions of multiple things. mike