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May 5, 2013 8:51 PM
The soul itself does the choosing
According to the Zohar and other kabbalistic texts, it is not God that chooses the parents. It is the soul him/herself that chooses the parents. Likewise, the soul chooses the unique body it will enter upon descending to olam hazeh.
May 2, 2013 3:08 PM
Loved this - words to remember when tempers rise
This really touched me - it will be a real mind-changer to remember the main messsage, that my children were chosen specifically for me, and me for them, when we are frustrated with each other. I am an eldest child myself, and I take the comment about the eldest being the experiment semi-humorously, as I am sure it was intended. My mother always said "you should have your first child second". The truth is we don't know how to parent until we do it the first time and each new stage is like a new first time, so we need to do our best, with the best intentions, and hope for the best.
Esther G. SpielmanPollak,
May 1, 2013 3:25 AM
Lori, my favorite line, you keep getting better at it.
I feel if G-d doesn't bless you with many, but the three that I was blessed with, nevertheless I feel that even though parenting is challenging, nevertheless, you really DO get better at it. It's a process that one must do patiently and calmly even though at times we're ready to pull our hair out!
April 30, 2013 7:51 PM
What do you mean?
thank you, lori. i understand two of the tips, but what do you mean by "keep doing it?" it doesn't sound very nice to say that first children are experiments. can you clarify?
April 30, 2013 7:13 PM
I have allways enjoyed your videos, they all have been such a blessing to me. But, this one, I have to say, has been the most impactful one! I couldnt stop crying! I am raising a grandson,and I have ask The Lord so many times, if it is His Will that I am raising this child(he has so many behavior problems.Your words"God gave you this child"send shivers all threw my body,and I couldnt stop crying. Thank you, so much. God bless you.
April 19, 2013 12:16 PM
I am a first born of 3 children. My mother, z"l used to tell people: "We made our mistakes on you." What a horrible thing to say! We are not lab rats. I grew up feeling like one of Cinderella's stepsisters. The best part of this video was when you said to really listen to your children and go beneath the surface of their words. I was not happy with the rest of the video.
April 19, 2013 10:20 AM
My Teacher Hates ME
I am both a teacher and a parent. I think the example "My teacher hates me = I didn't prepare, my teacher was disappointed, he hates me" is problematic. (1) A teacher shouldn't show "disappointment" in such a way that makes the child feel he hates him. (2) Unfortuantely, there are some teachers in the system (who should not be teachers) who do pick on pupils. IT is definately important to listen to your child, and not to make light of a statement "my teacher hates me". Ask the child to express specifically what happened to make him feel that way. If there is indeed a problem call the teacher (without attacking) and listen to him. IF there is still a problem, express the issue respctfully to the teacher. If this doesn't help go higher. I decided to teach at my son's school many years ago because he would come home day after day saying the teachers all hated his class. I was determined that the boys would know there was a teacher who loved them. I succeeded. It was a particularly challenging class, I haven't had one like it in all the years since. My positive reinforcement and success had an influence on some of the other teachers.Kids shouldn't feel that a teacher hates them. A teacher's behaviour should in no way send such a message.
April 18, 2013 6:30 PM
Lori, you brought tears to my eyes.
After just "losing it" with my 13-year-old, I was once again feeling like a failure and wondering how I can be so impatient and angry with my miracle child. Then you said that G-d chose me to be this child's parent. Wow. This child is so different in personality from me, so different in style. Quiet, pessimistic, not-emotional. I struggle daily with this one. Thanks for reminding me that I need to step up.
April 18, 2013 5:25 PM
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
How did you know what I needed to here JUST NOW?!
April 19, 2013 4:59 PM
Hashem has a way of guiding us to what we need. :) This video was just what I needed!
April 18, 2013 4:15 PM
Have more kids?
You may have more experience by the 4th, 5th and 6th (and beyond) child, but you're also more jaded, tired and unaffected by the parenting experience. I surely see this more often than parents who have morphed into "experts"--parents who just no longer take parenting seriously, either because they're emotionally spent or less concerned and convinced that their negligence will have an impact. At least at the outset, parents tend to be more invested. In a line, or two: I'm not sure the advice to have more kids as a solution to parenting deficiencies is correct.
April 18, 2013 2:16 PM
thank you lori for such an inspiring video, it truly couldnt have arrived at a better time.
April 17, 2013 6:29 PM
HaShem Makes the Shidduch
Your first two (excellent!) tips are wonderfully condensed versions of ideas presented by Rabbi Dovid Weinberger from Beit Knesset Aish Kodesh of NY. As for the third tip - about our firstborns - it has often been cited that many of the world's most famous heads of governement, business, etc. were/are firstborns. Often, firstborns are trailblazers, leaders, and high achievers. (A. Einstein, W. Churchill, O. Winfrey, for example)
April 18, 2013 6:56 PM
Oldest are less often the trailblazers
In fact, studies show that the 1st born tend to be more conservative and less likely to take chances. This may be because the parents tend to be more (over)protective of the 1st one. Whatever the reason, listing 3 exceptions to the trend does not make it so.
April 16, 2013 8:51 AM
Lori, I think you are missing an important part of raising a child - the child's own nature. If the first child has a calm and easy-going personality, it's easy to be a great mother, doing all the right things. But a subsequent child who has a strong nature can challenge her mothering skills as she didn't deal with that before. I think a big part of our success has to do with the child's nature. Child #5 can be the *most* difficult to raise even after our experience with 4 other children.
April 14, 2013 11:31 AM
Thank G-d you're still on Aish!
I panicked when I didn't see youre video blog right away! (Literally!) Thank you for these encouraging thoughts! (I don't know if I love what y ou said about oldests, though! Yours might feel bad!) (Although a friend of mine with 14 kids told me maybe that's why oldests get double inheritance, to make up for the boo-boos!)
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