First Comes Love?

by Mrs. Lori Palatnik

Real love grows after marriage.

Published: June 21, 2008

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Visitor Comments: 20

(20) Sarah, August 19, 2008 1:18 PM

It's great to hear from so many that still have a deep love for their spouses after so many years. I'm 30, have been pursued by several great guys, but it never felt right, so I'm still single. However, there's so much more to life than getting married, so I'm really enjoying life and the freedom I have from being single and care-free. And honestly, marriage scares me a bit, but if one day I do feel I've met a Mr. Right... it's nice to hear that a happily ever after might be possible. :)

(19) Anonymous, July 12, 2008 6:35 PM

Love is a lifetime pursuit

Every year you grow and your loves grows with your growth and the growth of your spouse. You share joy, sadness, chilren, family, activities. You become the person you are because of love and how your partner influences and affects you. It changes constantly but there is alway the best friend there for you no matter what. Unconditional, for as long as you work at it and hold on to it.

(18) Jessme, July 4, 2008 10:36 PM

THE REAL THING

I really have to agree with Lori because I've experienced the same revelation. I'm married for just 17yrs and it still feels like yesterday and yes there is still honey in the moon for us(lol). I remember after a couple of years of marital"bliss" coupled with its ups and downs, that I actually said to myself, "I thought I loved this guy back then but this that I feel right now, is far more than what I called love. I really love this guy!" Friends, it takes the years and all that comeS packaged with it to know that you know that you know that you possess the real thing... LOVE!

(17) marta, June 28, 2008 6:33 PM

I totally agree with you, Lori.
Love comes with the years. WeÂ´ve benn married for thirty one years, thanks GÂ´d and as time goes by you realize how strong your love gets.
Thanks for all we learn listening to you,Lori.

(16) Laura, June 27, 2008 5:40 PM

Thanks Lori...

First off, a little background on myself. I am 27 years old, and married to a wonderful man. We have only been married for a little over 2 years...and yet I can see sooo much truth in what Lori has talked about. My idea of what love is changes as I get older. I know that may sound odd at first, but it really is true. I say it changes because the idea of what love is to me continues to grow and expand in capacity with every day that I am married to my husband. Love is a wonderful treasure that is continuing to reveal itself to me more and more every day!!!

(15) Rosen, June 27, 2008 4:03 PM

prioritizing love

It's so true what Lori said about love after marriage - love itself doesn't conquer all, love can only conquer in a marriage after two people, a man and a woman really get to know each other over the natural course of time. I, myself, am hoping to find my bashert over the natural course of time. My priorities involve settling into a permanent and secure career that carries benefits, and then I can search for my bashert, possibly thru the friends I already have, or my family if they are willing to help me.

Thus, it is best to love smart and not love blindly. Sadly, many people fall in and out of love either because they married too young, intermarried, or planned more for the wedding than the actual marriage.

(14) Anonymous, June 27, 2008 1:23 AM

After being married for eight years I can agree with Lori. I wish I heard this speech when I was dating my husband. I was confused and unsure up until my wedding day, but after eight years I can say that our love is stronger than it ever has been and will continue to grow. Had I heard this speech then I would have been a much more relaxed bride!

(13) Daniela, June 26, 2008 9:08 AM

10% because of how they date

The idea that a divorce rate must be low because of fear from stigma is based 100% on assumption. There may be a little shame associated with divorce like with any failure, but because it was never disallowed by Judaism, we never had the kind of stigma and fear that other cultures have. There is no such thing in Orthodox communities as miserable people staying married for fear of community disapproval, Chassidic or not. The reason for the low divorce rate among Orthodox Jews has to do with the way they date, not with the way they stay married no matter what. They find out more before marriage that others find out when it's too late for fear of losing the person they have become prematurely attached to and feel obligated to marry out of pressure. And, as illustrated here, they have different ideas about love and how to know the match is right.

(12) Laura, June 26, 2008 4:18 AM

why 10%?

I'm not ruling out the idea that Chassidic or religious couples have more successful marriages than the 'rest of the world,' but do note than the 10% divorce rate has a lot to do with the stigma associated with a split marriage in those communities. Who knows how many couples are living unhappy marriages but refuse to get divorced because of fear?

(11) ruth housman, June 24, 2008 5:37 PM

what is love?

I loved my husband when I married him. I knew he was the one. We have been married thirty-eight years and I am still feeling that love. Yes, the quality and depth of our feeling for each other augments through shared experience, through shared, separate and connected journeys but only if we are OPEN to this. For some it happens differently. Some divorce in time, feeling they never really knew each other, or they do not bend towards each other, and turn away. There is something about love that needs to be nurtured, as you have so beautifully expressed, but it doesn't always happen this way. People do grow apart.

Love is an indefinable thing. I do believe my children truly felt love when they married and simply, glowed. I also knew that this love would be tested, burnished, bent and shaped, through the fire of experience. Sometimes that same fire burns and embitters people, drives them apart. It's not an easy equation. There are arranged marriages that do not start with this elusive word called love and grow love, like a plant grows with watering but there are also marriages that split, that dissolve, for reasons not within our control and we must move on.

(10) matt k, June 24, 2008 11:49 AM

love is a commitment

I do agree with the concept that the feeling of love grows and becomes more real after you get to live with a person and go through life together. So, if there is that "puppy love", and you get along and see eye to eye dont be afraid to make that commitment for marrige..
but for me love is a commitment for the good of the other person, its unconditional, and the feelings will come along with it...

(9) Anonymous, June 24, 2008 11:28 AM

You can't argue with success.

Chassidic couples have way more successful marriages than those in the outside world. The more emotionally involved the couple is, the less clear is their vision. They make the wrong choices based on infatuation, and the error ends in divorce. The less the couple is together before marriage, the more exciting married life is. "Shana Rishona" (first year of marriage) feels like dating, you're so new to each other and eager to find out everything about them. Personal details that other couples know inside out after extensive dating and are sometimetimes bored to death by, sound so interesting and fascinating to couples who barely know each other.
The secret is their system called "information". When a match is suggested, the parents ask around anyone and everyone who knows anything about the boy/girl until they get a fairly clear picture. If it sounds good, the couple meets one or several times to see if there is no repulsion or any other reason to say no. If everything seems OK the plate is broken and that's it - no more dating till the wedding. No fear of making mistakes, no stupid things to hear from each other that give you cause for second thoughts, no chance of hurting each other without the possibility of apologising with physical expressions love.
And their divorce rate is about 10%.

(8) yoram raanan, June 24, 2008 8:30 AM

i disagree

well lori, while you can brag about being married for 21 years and know it all, my wife and i have been married only 30 years and don't know it all, yet, feel we were very much in love when we got married and have worked and struggled and finally triumphed to continue to be growing in love more and more all the time.

(7) Sunny, June 24, 2008 8:19 AM

Love as a Verb

I liked Lori's acknowledgement of love changing thru the years. I feel we shouldn't need to disparage "Young Love" by saying this isn't REAL love. It is love, it is the new love required at the relationshiops earliest stage. Rather that spending too much time trying to decided what is "Real Love" I would rather work to recognize that LOVE grows, changes, passes through many stages whether this love is found with my spouse, children and other family members,even with friends. Thank you for a chance to look inside.

(6) geelaehrman, June 23, 2008 3:31 PM

I agree

This article is important for every person, young and old to read. Unfortunately, many people in our society mistakenly think that they have to fall in love with a person before marrying them. As the article put it, this thought is baseless, and untrue. Love comes overtime, and the more a person grows together with someone the more they can build on their appreciation, and love for them. Thanks again for disproving this baseless myth.

(5) Zissi, June 22, 2008 7:40 PM

Right on targe

Love comes after marriage, not vice versa. The couple barely knows one another before then. Once they see each other for who one really is and goes through life together, then love happens. If people say that they are in love beforehand, it is just infatuation.

(4) Yisroel Pollack, June 22, 2008 2:31 PM

Attraction First

Mrs. Palatnik tch"y,
Thank you again for a very timely and poignant piece. If only I can find someone with whom there'll be mutual attraction, love can be left to a later stage. I can only pray to the A-lmighty that it happens. Otherwise admirable prospects tend to disparage, or at least snub, me on account of how old I am. If only they would be a bit more open-minded. I for my part wish them all every success in coming upon someone through whom they will realize much happiness. But if just one of them saw good to take a little compassion on plain, simple me, it would be for a blessing. I think I'm getting a bit carried away here, but the topic is very evocative. Thanks again for the inspiration.

(3) s, June 22, 2008 11:44 AM

yep

very true, love grows overtime when the two spouses each work on the relationship to help make it grow

(2) barbara, June 22, 2008 7:42 AM

love comes from giving

What about the basic of Jewish philosophy that love comes from giving? this applies to love between spouses and to love between parent and child as well.
the giving of wife to husband, and husband to wife creates love between them. just seeing and being the recipient of the virtues of another doesn't necessarily create love.

(1) Alisa, June 22, 2008 6:44 AM

Great!

Lori did it again, a wonderful insightful short talk.

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About the Author

Mrs. Lori Palatnik

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Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio, and is the author of "Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-By-Step," "Remember My Soul - What to do in Memory of a Loved One," and co-author of "Gossip: 10 Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul." She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington D.C. area, with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik. Lori is the Founder of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings over 1,000 women to Israel each year from ten different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage. She is the busy mother of five children, ages 24 to 14; and her son, Zev, just finished serving as a sharpshooter in the IDF. Her weekly video blog, "Lori Almost Live" is a popular feature on aish.com, viewed by over 50,000 people each month.

Follow Lori on Twitter, @LoriAlmostLive

First Comes Love?

Real love grows after marriage.

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