The House Always Wins

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your sympathy. Knowing that this was you 10 years ago gives me tremendous hope that things can improve and look up. (I'm so happy to be optimistic). It helps to know that others have been through it and have persevered. It also makes me grateful for all of the things that my husband does (probably some of them because of me) like eating in Kosher restaurants with me and the kids (traif when we're not around), going to shule, making Kiddush and singing zmirot on Shabbos. If we could only master Taharat Ha Mishpacha we would be set!!! I guess it's baby steps. It's a bit tricky because it really involves both of us and I so much don't want to cause him to do aveirot. It's funny because I also have tried to strengthen myself with the Chofetz Chaim's one lesson a day. I've also enjoyed making Challah which was something I took on that was special. Thank you for your brachas and well wishes. I am going to use them as a source of inspiration to be the VERY BEST wife I can be. I am going to try to be extra nice to his parents (which isn't always easy). I also have to focus on the positive and all of the wonderful things about my husband...plus I have to trust in Hashem. I do believe that this is for my benefit and I look forward to doing whatever I can to rise to the challenge. There are some days we feel like we are worlds apart. I cherish the days that we are so close. My Baba used to tell me it was important to marry someone Jewish because "we would understand eachother". I'm so sad because we are at a point when we really don't understand eachother. It's not even my husband's fault...it's me who has changed so much. In the meantime I want to focus and build on our similarities and our common goals (like being great parents, raising our kids to be torah observant...thank goodness they don't have to know about Taharat Ha Mishpacha yet, being positive contributors to the community, etc.) There is so much to build on. I am not going to give up on my wonderful husband. Thank you for the strength and courage to carry on.

living by example and not pushing on anyone else is so true. May women all over the world light shabbat candles! thank you for your encouraging words. shalom

After visiting with my newly married children , we talked about g-d and I was shocked to hear they were not sure about g-d, but after listening to you lori I know what to do ...just keep setting a good example, don't push it, and hashem will take care of the rest. I felt so relieved I cried!

I have such tremendous sympathy for u because what u describe was my marriage 10 years ago. In short, I cannot belive that my husband & I are in such a completely different place today. It literally blows my mind to read your comment & remember those feelings of fear of my husband discovering me doing something he was so uncomfortable with (I would pull off my scarf before meeting him or walking into our apartment!) Our saving grace, in addition to Hashem was having a rabbi we both trusted & admired. He is a VERY learned yeshivish man, but would tell my husband he didn't have to go to shul, he could daven in a park. He told me to wear jeans when we were on vacation. These are just two of the most simplistic examples of where he helped us find middle ground. Most importantly, I felt Hashem must be giving me this challenge for a reason, for my own benefit. So I tried desperately to search for ways I could grow as an individual, ways that wouldn't adversely affect my husband (because eating in kosher restaurants was one of the things that wasn't working for him, & this was VERY hard for me). The one tangible I came up with was improving my speech thru the study of the Chofetz Chaim's works. 10 years later, I know that however painful that time was, this was my path & my husband's. May Hashem bless you with the clarity to move your family, with your husband's full and loving support, to your next phase of life.

This is a great video. Peace in the home (Shalom Bayis) is of the utmost importance. If anyone is interested, another good resource on the issue is the Beyond Baal Teshuva website. The comment here won't allow links, but google "Beyond BT" and the website will come up. Once on the main page, you can scroll down, and on the right-side column towards the bottom, there is a list of topics discussed, one of them is "Shalom Bayis".

Lori, I loved this week's chat. The one thing I might add, or another way to say some of the same thing: Do what you know is right and true, regardless of the thoughts of others. I hope the woman who commented about her marriage is able to do that, and pass that along to her children. Just because their father has a problem with observant Judaism doesn't mean there is a problem with observant Judaism! Thanks for your good work.

Lori, that was beautifully said. My husband has deep commitment to, and knowledge of, being Jewish, though not always in daily mitzvot and practices. As I started to include brachot in daily life, or felt the impulse to make Shabbat, I felt self conscious. But I'd also see positive response from him when I shared these desires and actions. Your viewpoint showed me how important this is and what strength I can be to us both. I can see myself nurturing his Jewish impulses rather than feeling alone. Thank you.

you implied that it's easier if the woman takes the lead, as a husband and father i wholly agree. the wife runs the "house" and frequently the house rules. if the wife wants to eat treif in a restaurant i have little choice

How do the children handle it as well? From my own personal experience, I grew up in a Modern Orthodox community until my family decided to move into a more charedei enclosed neighboorhood. Needless to say, it wasn't such a pleasant transition for me. I went frm going to coed schools and wearing slacks and tee-shirts to a more BY leaned school and having to conform to the stringent religious standards of the community I now live in. I kinda missed my old life and being able to do things that my neighboorhood frowns upon.I don't want to have to merge into someone I'm not. I have a problem with outsiders pointing their fingers at me and meddling into my personal affairs and then ostracizing me b/c my religiousity level doesn't meet their satisfaction. I know of a BT couple thats been married for quite some time until the wife decided she was no longer interested in Judiasm. Unfortunately, their marriage concluded with a nasty divorce. I've also heard of an Orthodox couple where the husband wanted to live a kollel lifestyle whereas the wife wasn't too thrilled about the idea. In such situations, either the woman reluctantly goes along with it or it may ensue a conflict. Lori, I appreciate your insight but what advice to you have to offer for women and children, regardless or religousity level and observance, whose husbands/parents want to incorporate higher religious standards in their family? I hope you'll address this topic in your next video.

Thank you for this...you hit the nail right on the head...i needed that. Baruch

My husband and I started out in the same way from very similar secular yet cultural families who were "very Jewish" but not necessarily mitzvah observant. We decided to grow together and keep Shabbat. That was something that evolved slowly and we did it together. In the meantime...I kept growing (he says at astronomical rates...too fast for him) and this has been so hard for him. He says he can't really catch up and now he is quite turned off and upset with me. If he sees me davening...I'm in BIG trouble. I have to face anger and hostility and it's not fair to the kids. So I try to daven while he is out. I would hate to be "caught". The worst is Taharat Ha Mishpacha because that really involves us both as a team and I don't know that we'll ever reach a compromise. There is truly NO middle ground. Either he is satisfied and happy and I'm so sad because it's not what I want. or I am "happy" and he is just so angry and upset. I guess I just have to remember what Lori says...to try my best to bring out the best of the Torah and try my best to do it in a very very pleasant and beautiful way and to try to observe as many mitzvahs as I can. I hope I can do it without causing him too much anger and resentment. He really is a mench and a good guy and anger and resentment isn't really part of his character...wish we could see eye to eye. He thinks I'm crazy and have gone off the deep end!

Lori, I was so glad to see the subject of this weeks column. Several months ago Rabbi Salomon asked the question about why so many young Jewish men are turning away from their Judaism and intermarrying once out of college. Your video today is exactly right on. How the wife, or girlfriend goes, so goes the man. The woman is usually the sole decider in how observant the family or the man is. And it's not just in Judiaism observance. The woman influences the entire family's interaction. If it is a happy mealtime, the harmony in the home between her and her husband, how the money is spent and saved, and how the children are raised. It is she who leads the way in other relilgions also. How she goes, so goes the House. Young Jewish men should ALWAYS consider that if they marry outside Judiaism, or marry a non-observant woman. It's isn't he who will influence her. It is she who will influence him and their family.

Thank you, Mrs. Palatnik, that was so nice. And it’s so true. A woman exercises such an enormous influence on a man. If I had a woman of my own, I don’t doubt for a second that she could have me in the palm of her hand, wielding total control over my actions. That’s the power of a woman! That’s why it’s so crucial that, with the A-lmighty’s help, I get a good one, one who won’t be disposed to setting me on the wrong path and bringing us both down together. I hope I find a good one.

Dear Lori, This Shabbat, my husband and I had a huge fight about our different levels of observance. This issue has caused us problems in the past, but nothing we couldn't solve. Yesterday I had reached my limit and exploaded at him and said very terrible things that I never said before. Now although we kind of settled the issue, I really did not know what do to about it anymore. I felt that I should give up on trying to make him more religious because it leads to so much pain. This morning when I watched your video, I really knew that H-Shem was watching over me because it came at exactly the right time. Thank you for helping put everything into perspective:) You are an amazing and inspirational woman! with love, Rachel

Lori brings up another good reason why Jews should marry Jewish, even if they are not so committed or observant of their Jewish faith. Every Jew has a Jewish soul that is always there which guides our Jewish convictions. I'm getting closer to 30 years old, and am still waiting to find the right Jewish woman who shares the same or similar Jewish values as I do. Understandably, relationships are almost never in lock-step between two people, and Hashem guides the house, which always wins. Thus, things do work out as long as you see light at the end of the tunnel and/or trust in Hashem knowing the right circumstances.