Getting Married

by Mrs. Lori Palatnik

Two important insights about marriage.

Published: December 27, 2008

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Visitor Comments: 22

(22) Mindy, January 4, 2009 1:29 PM

Response to the Toilet Seat question

Putting down the seat is not a PC issue. It is about safety, then caring and then love. If the seat is up, and a woman uses the facility in the middle of the night and falls in, she can hurt herself. Not to mention making enough noise to wake you. Putting down the seat shows that you care about the women you live with and their comfort and safety. It's not much to ask really. And if you are married to someone you love, you will want to do things that make her happy. This is one small thing, and the returns will be tenfold. Try thinking about this in terms of chesed instead of a someone with a psycho agenda.

(21) Anonymous, January 3, 2009 12:00 PM

Toilet Seat

What is so important about the guy putting the toilet seat down? It whould be that if it a must to put the seat down, then the lid should be put down too. Why is it the man has to always be put out and the woman doesn't? This is our PC society and the degrading of men in general.

(20) A., January 1, 2009 4:21 PM

2 minute video vs lecture

Come on! this is just a quicky video, and yes it does do a great blanket job in general terms, most of you under difficult but no abusive circumstances know that our realtionship with G-d is weaker than we care to admit, however, if you need Lori's help in your marriage I'm sure she would take much much more than 2 minutes with 'just you' From my own experience, my relationship with G-d developed quicker over the last 20 years and did and does make a difference in our home life. We spend an incredible amount of time practicing the game of life 'my way' for the first 30 to 50 years, then are we to expect a 2 minute video to change us? US?! give yourselves time... but extreme cases require extreme measures, so if there is abuse GET SOME HELP not now, but RIGHT NOW! As someone taught me: 'just grow yourself'

(19) M. Minor, January 1, 2009 12:02 PM

Lori, well spoken! I remember reading, "Respect your husband". How could I when he seemed in a world to himself. In my prayers I asked God, how I could respect this man that didn't seem to see things to do around the house. The quiet response came to my heart -"Accept him as he is." When I did, my love for him grew and our marriage was enhanced. Thank you for your words of advice. Maryella Minor

(18) Anonymous, December 31, 2008 11:55 PM

Response to Ronni

Ronni- You make a good point, and I agree with you that there are two people in any abusive relationship and both are contributing to its dysfunction, albeit usually in greater and lesser amounts. However, I don't think that any of us, looking in from the outside, can really judge a woman in an abusive relationship. It is a hard position to be in, it is very confusing, and who knows if getting divorced is really and truly the right thing for the children? It's not a decision anyone on the outside can make, for sure. There's a lot of anger and pain and sadness and depression, all of which can lead people to do illogical and ultimately unhelpful things, but can we really judge them? You speak the truth and you make a good point. Blame is not completely on either side of a two-person relationship. And we could all use a lesson in taking responsibility for as much as we can. But I too often see people thinking they know more than they really do about what goes on inside someone else's home. We can never judge.

(17) Jake Gold, December 31, 2008 5:26 PM

agree with Ronni

I totally agree with Ronni. Every person has the right to be treated fairly. And if someone is not treating you properly, you need to do something to stop it. Either try to correct their behavior or leave the environment. Well Said Ronni. -Jake

(16) Anonymous, December 31, 2008 4:23 PM

He may change, but not to what you want

Your assumption seemed to be that if your husband changes, it will be for the better. This is not always the case. I have known men who were considerate, caring and responsible before they got married, and then became total slugs after they were comfortable in their marrage relationship.

(15) Anonymous, December 31, 2008 7:58 AM

Alot of hope

Lori, you have added hope to many.

(14) ruth housman, December 30, 2008 3:16 PM

metaphoric connects

Certainly it's an interesting thought, to look at one's spousal difficulties and see whether this is somehow reflected in one's relationship with God. Is there something to let go of, or something to learn in all of this? or maybe it's the fact we both need to learn the art of compromise better. Yes, the idea of marriage is not to think we're going to change the other person but to grow old together gracefully. Sometimes, however, there is a bit of a learning curve and that's what compromise and love is also about. We do, after all, affect each other in deep ways, and love might be learning to buy flowers even if one never understood the value of this, or of doing some things differently. I hope we ALL do change, and that in a relationship we change in ways that makes spending time a pleasure as opposed to a constant battle of wills. Interesting, as an aside, that change and spend, are also monetary terms. I am so hooked into language! Someone wrote below about spousal abuse, and I would have to agree that there are certain problems among people that don't seem so clearly related to a relationship with God, and certainly abuse of this kind should not be tolerated. Are you saying that our petty irritations in life are somehow metaphorically connected with God and that relationship? My husband is much less concerned about order than I am, meaning messiness. Now does this mean he has a better relationship with the almighty and that I have a problem needing more order in my life. I do realize a Divine order. I am thinking about how we are different and about areas of conflict. I usually say to myself that I need to pick my battles, that he does so much for us all, and that I should hold back on some of these battles, because I too, have my foibles and areas that could use some ironing out with respect to our relationship. I feel deeply that life is about metaphor and I usually do see profound metaphoric connects in the events of my life. In this case, I am not sure. Something to think about.

(13) Leah, December 30, 2008 12:22 PM

it sounds good in theory

Lori- I think that the first lesson is true and a good one for all of us to hear again, however about the second lesson- although it made sense in your relatonship and in that specific scenario it really doesn't seem to be a blanketed statement for all situations and I feel that it should be clarified.

(12) Ronni, December 30, 2008 12:15 PM

Abuse?

It amazes me constantly to see how many women claim to be abused by their husbands and yet every woman that I know of in an abusive relationship completely enables her husband. Those kind of women choose these types of men because they are too weak to stand up to them, they seem to care more about their comfort than their childrens' emotional and physical well-being. They never make their husbands face the consequences for treating them badly so of course his negative behavior just becomes more reinforced util it's just habitual. At this point even though at times he regrets his behavior it becomes so hard to change because she'll never withold intimacy (just love which fills him with rage), will never say I'm too tired to make dinner, will never leave the packages for him to carry, will go to the mikvah even though she has to shovel out the snow to get there etc. For once I would like women to admit that because they have done nothing to end the abuse other than cry or get divorced after years and years they are enablers and so yes they ought to research their relationship with G-d. They ought to ask is this how G-d wants them to live. Is this the way they should be bringing up their children?

(11) SusanE, December 30, 2008 9:32 AM

This is Glum - Marriage should be Fun

Spouses treat each other exactly how each allows it. If she allows him to be rude or controling, or he allows her to be a shrew and controling, then what do we expect? There are men I know who respect their dogs more than their wife and children. There is a reason for that but I don't know exactly what it is. It has something to do with being fun to be around.

My friend (a man) sent this to me: It is true. Sad but true!

"A dog is truly man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try this little experiment: Put both your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and leave them there for one hour. When you open the trunk, which one do you think will be happy to see you? "

(10) Mark Meller, December 30, 2008 5:42 AM

NO _ I cannot agree!!!!

I love Lori's pieces but this time I must disagree with her 2nd comment. Lori doesn't look at whether husband/wife is abusive! That's where her parable falls down! G-d doesn't act in an abusive manner.

(9) HR, December 29, 2008 1:24 PM

perferct timing -

Hashgacha Pratit. Devine intervention

(8) Anonymous, December 29, 2008 8:52 AM

Query

"If your having a problem with your husband, look to your relationship with G-d" - does this hold true even when the husband is abusive?

(7) michelle, December 28, 2008 8:51 PM

When I got married my kallah teacher told us the same thing. Don't expect to change your husband. She said men look at their wives and hope they never change and women look at their husbands and have an agenda. It's important to know that our job as wives is not to mold our husbands into to what we think they should be, instead we must support them and help them to achieve their full potential with the talents and gifts they were given.

(6) miri, December 28, 2008 4:33 PM

firstly, thanx for the advice, its so true. secondly, in response to "as is", the relationship that was compared was not from hashem to you but from you to hashem. when having issues, check the way you relate to HAshem. the way your spouse relates to you is a different issue

(5) SusanE, December 28, 2008 1:04 PM

Thank You Lori - Good Advice

That's good advice to someone looking toward marriage. Don't expect him or her to change their character traits or their habits that you see as annoying. If we are looking to the brighter side, they could change. But remember, not only can they change for the better, but they can go the other way and the habit or habits can get worse. Even if your partner stays the same after marriage, small annoyances are magnified when you are together all the time. Take care of your attitude toward these feelings you are having BEFORE the marriage. Then give it a lot of thought again and see if it is something you can live with.

I understand the new husband now wanting take a leadership position and taking charge of certain things in his marriage. That is very good if you can trust in G-d to do what is best for the marriage. But..... and this is a big but, if I am good, at handling money and bills and managing a home, and my husband is not very good at managing money, a household, managing time, or car repairs, should he do it anyway? If G-d is in charge, surely He will see that my husband does well when I hand over control of my life. Won't He?

(4) Anonymous, December 28, 2008 8:49 AM

AS IS

Yes, I always tell my friends that you get a guy "as is". What you see is what you get!!!! And as you said, it's a bonous if they "change", but assume they won't. However I do not agree with #2 of your comments. My relationship with Hashem is pretty OK......I daven to Him at least once a day...I thank Him during the day for letting me do my own errands, having laundry to do bc that means I have a family, having dishes to wash bc it means my family is healthy & I am able to cook for them...I do not need women in the community to cook for us!!! I thank Him for letting me have a car & the pleasure of doing carpool, bc it means I have children, etc. But I would never compare Hashem with the problems people have with their husbands (spouses) ....maybe your "problem" can compare.....but when you talk about verbal abuse & things of the like...there is definately no comparison...Thank G-d!!! My G-d is good, He doesn't yell at me, hit me, be verbally abusive to me...he might teach me a few lessons, but the end is always good. You Lori , are very lucky....with some it's not so easy. Marriage is mazel!!! I know many women out there who have it so rough!!! G-d is never that harsh. Yes, we must make a huge effort in our relationships with our husbands & Hashem.....but I would never, ever compare the two!!!

(3) Moshe Rosen, December 28, 2008 7:50 AM

changes vs. improvement

There certainly is a significant difference between changes and improvement. Having the expectation that someone can or will change should be scrapped from our mindset. This can be especially difficult in intermarriage, because people shouldn't convert to a corresponding religion just to marry their partner off. In the least, one can learn from many different candidates of who their bashert may be, and one can learn from them, but learning is not necessarily a change - it's improvement to our spiritual growth...As for love, many people rush into it thinking they got to marry this person off before they die, Jew or non-Jew. Even though we tend to have a relatively short time on Earth, that doesn't mean we don't have to take our time into a relationship for a possible marriage. As for me, I hope I will find my bashert within the next 5-10 years or so, where it will be a more mutual relationship (as opposed to unrequited). I try to do my best to be presentable to Jewish women, however, they tend to either get distracted by something else or another man, and it doesn't seem like they usually would want to pursue a relationship with me, and I don't quite know why. In the least, I can sit down to lunch with them, and those are typically the best, good-starting get-together situations. However, I kind of feel in a rut where it usually goes as far as lunch followed by some affection before we leave. Would anybody have advice on taking friendships and relationships to the next level? I still have about 2/3 of my life left to go, and there is so much more I feel I can do including finding a permanent, secure job, and then finding my bashert. I just want to take things one step at a time. Again, does anyone have any advice for me on what I ought to do first with either finding a permanent job so that I am not underemployed, and seeking my bashert under the right circumstances and situation?

(2) Shaindel, December 28, 2008 7:07 AM

Wow...I guess I have a lot of work to do with my relationship with g-d...

(1) Anonymous, December 28, 2008 5:02 AM

PLease G-d help us!

Thanks for this! Although it sounds a bit funny - last time you said "Marriage is for life divorce is like an amputation you don't divorce" now you say "if you marriage isn't working he/she won't change and you have a problem with G-d!" Then you say "try and make more shidduchim", like every skirt is ok for every trousers. It sounds like we need G-d's help and why are so many marriages so difficult nowadays????

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About the Author

Mrs. Lori Palatnik

More by this Author >

Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio, and is the author of "Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-By-Step," "Remember My Soul - What to do in Memory of a Loved One," and co-author of "Gossip: 10 Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul." She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington D.C. area, with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik. Lori is the Founder of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings over 1,000 women to Israel each year from ten different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage. She is the busy mother of five children, ages 24 to 14; and her son, Zev, just finished serving as a sharpshooter in the IDF. Her weekly video blog, "Lori Almost Live" is a popular feature on aish.com, viewed by over 50,000 people each month.

Follow Lori on Twitter, @LoriAlmostLive

Getting Married

Two important insights about marriage.

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